tell me a joke somone? I.m so sad xmas and new year have passed xxxxx?

Question

give 10 points for the first one to make me wet my pants. thanks x

Answer 1

go to google.com, then click on google video and type in panda sneezes. I saw it on new years eve and just roared with laughter, you'll love it!

Answer 2

Hi there,
If you click here on the link you can download for free Broken Sword Return of the Templars: http://bit.ly/1ub0sJe

it's completely free and it's very fast to install
Despite being an unofficial version, Broken Sword: The Return of the Templars got enough notoriety among the fans of the series, to the extent that their legal creators gave their full support.
I love it!

Answer 3

there are two muffins in the oven. one muffin says to the other muffin, "woah its getting hot in here". the other muffin says"holy sh*t a talking muffin!"

what did snow white say when she sat on pinnochios face?
TELL A LIE!!

one guy walks into a bar and notices a jar full of money.
man: what is that for
bartender: its a bet you have to put $20 inside and try to make this horse laugh...as you can see no one has won.
man: heres $20
the man walks to the horse and whispers something in his ear and the horse starts laughing. everyone looks in astonishment he takes the jar and leaves. two weeks later the man comes in and sees a jar of money.
man: what's it for this time?
bartender: this time you have to make the horse cry
man: heres $20
the man walks up the horse and whispers something in his ear and next thing you know the horse starts crying.
bartender: okay tell me what you did
man: ok ill tell you. the first time i told him i had a bigger penis then him...the second time i showed him!

there was three guys an italian guy, a white guy, and a mexican guy. they had been stranded for a week when they finally passed a stored. they all ran with excitement and started eating food. the owner of the store came out with a rifle and all three men stopped eating, scared, the italian guy quickly explained the situation. the owner sympathsized and said he would let them leave if they can all successfully put 100 of one type of fruit up their but. so the italian guy went first. he was on his 96th grape when he burst out laughing and they all fell out. the owner shot him. then was the white guy, he was on his 98th cherry when he burst out laughing and they all fell out. the owner shot him. while in heaven an angel approached both of them and asked," why did you guys laugh you could have made it?" they both replied,"because we saw the mexican guy with watermelons!"

Answer 4

when girl is age of 20,
she is like Africa
half unexplored.

when she is 30,
she is like India
warm, Luxuriant, Magnifying.

when she is 40,
she is like America
technically perfect.

when she is 50,
she is like Europe
all of a ruin.

when she is 60
she is like Siberia
everybody knows where it is
nobody like's to go there

********
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load
of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,
which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder
again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again
he asks the little old lady,
" why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,
"We just love the chocolate around them."

********
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and s o on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey , what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"

(you'll just love this!)

...James, for the FIFTH time I've said, "CHICKEN!"

Answer 5

A kid was taking a shower with his mom and asks, "what are those things on your chest?" Not wanting to answer she changed the subject. The next day the boy went up to his dad and asked "What are those things on Mommy's chest?" he replied "They are balloons so when Mommy dies they will inflate and she will float to heaven. A couple weeks later the father comes home early and his son runs out and says "Daddy, Daddy, Mom is dying" the father ask "what are you talking about?" "Well, Uncle Harry is blowing up her balloons and she's yelling 'Oh God I'm coming'"
i know i told this one in a question before but the crackheads at yahoo deleted it.
xx

Answer 6

A Polaroid is something an Eskimo gets on his bottom

Answer 7

a woman looked out of her hotel window and saw her hubby bonking a dolphin, she ran down to the beach and shouted" did you just bonk that dolphin" "I 'm sorry darlin" he said i couldn't help it. " well "she said "thats it we are through i want a divorce"." Thats ok "he said" i'm not bothered,

"there are plenty more fish in the sea.

Answer 8

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

Answer 9

Two drunks walking home,,One finds a mirror looks in it and says "Ive seen this bloke somewhere before but I can't remember who he is" the other drunk takes a look and says " I know that face it's me"

Answer 10

What do you call a brunette between 2 blondes?

A translator.