I had an argument with with my mum and seems we think diffferently, how do you suggest i avoid arguments?

Question

She controls me and my brothers like a dictator and tells us it's for our own good. We got into an argument after i told her she is too controlling. At first she tried to cut me off by walking away or saying that she's busy but then it got heated and she started saying things about like what she could do instead of caring for us, but it was ridiculous because i know that she wont / dislikes / cant ever do those things (eg gambling and stuff). I told her that's crazy and stuff, and that it was possible for her but she's just confined to society's norms and its because of the way she was brought up. I've been feeling like this since i was in primary school, that i came this far with my own effort. I wasnt made to believe this, i didnt get encouragement when i needed it, i didnt get the emotional support needed, only tears. To me my parents are the people who feed me and house me, but that's about as far as it goes. I do have respect for them, i do wish them well, i do appreciate them,

but i dont feel a love / bond that people describe about their parents. The way they were used to make me cry when i was younger, but it seems as though that emotion has created a gap between us so that i can avoid the emotional pain. I think that ever since i begun to work, since i turned 18, since i begun to drive, i've embraced every footstep towards freedom and breaking free of their control. So arguments happen when they try to control me when i'm frustrated (i got a bit stressed at work today). They sense it as well and try to discourage me out of things (eg. i said wanted to buy a car but they did a lot to discourage me and certainly wont support me). I'm not sure why but when i argue with my parents (more my mum than my dad because my dad's scary when he's angry), i get this feeling that they are inferior. It's going to be a while before i can financially support myself so is there any way to avoid arguments over nothing? Why do i feel like this? Is it because i'm stressed out?

Its not because i was a bad child or anything, i was always on best behaviour in front of everyone, something i learnt to do ages ago

I never asked for their help, i always dug myself back out and they throw money on useless things that make it worse

Answer 1

As long as you are not financialy independent then there is no way for you to go against the people who are supporting you. This is fate and you have to endure it. All the best.

Answer 2

A two bedroom seven story walk up apartment with three roommates sounds like heaven if I were in your shoes. Or forget buying the car and buy an RV...no one likes to sleep in their car with no shower, cooking and sleeping amenities.
Your folks sound like two people that did not want and should not have had children and although they want to control you I think they also would not shed a tear if you moved out.
If you are working and not paying room and board offer it. This would show them you are a responsible person and able to manage your own life. Start doing your homework on cost, availability and etc for your own place. If you are continuing your education look for financial help and live in the dorm.
Or learn to bite your tongue and live with it...it is her house.

Answer 3

Ask her for a time to speak to her one on one. Focus on the relationship between yourself and her. You are absolutely an intelligent and valued adult, and need to approach this situation with that mindset. You have a right to speak respectfully to her, and attempt to let her know how you feel, but understand that her behavior is learned, and known as co dependence. It is easy for us to exemplify the very same behavior we do not like in someone when we do not realize the cycle. You have the power within yourself to break the cycle. You matter, and obviously this situation is very frustrating. Write down your thoughts, and ask to speak with her one on one perhaps over lunch or dinner. If she will not do that, please know this is no longer your responsibility to take on this burden, and get on with your life leaving the option open that if she ever wants to have the conversation with you that you will be there for her. Let her know she is loved, but her behavior is hurtful and abusive and can no longer be tolerated. That will show her that you are a respectful person, but moreover, you need to have respect for and take care of yourself. This relationship with your mother is toxic and may never change because this is the language your mother learned to speak a long time ago. It is not your fault. But dont spend your life trying to fix this behavior. That is wasted energy that you should be spending doing nice things for yourself. If she does not respond, then walk away. It sometimes takes a very long time for someone to realize they are hurting others. If she does respond, remember: you are an adult, and can have an adult conversation with her explaining that you would like to have a better relationship and ways to do it. But if she refuses, you did the best you could. Then go and live your life, and take care of you. If you are under age, go and get counseling. If not, take care of your soul - It is the key to your happiness, and it may be time to move on. Good luck!

Answer 4

Try to understand their feelings for you.
Every parent in this world cares for their children ver much. Same to your mum too. She nag because she cares if she does not that means u gonna be very worried about that. You get what I mean do you? I dont need to say it so clear for the public to see. Think again. Sit down and have a really good talk with your parents. Good luck!

Answer 5

Parents do not want to see their kids make the same mistakes we did, so we tend to dictate, in hopes are kids wont screw up and cost us a bunch of money digging them out of the ditch they dug themselves trying to be all grown up before their time,

I will tell you what I told each of my 5 children, if you dont like my house and my rules then by all means, find a job and a place to live and good luck to you,,,

I gave each of them one time to move back,, after that good luck,,

Answer 6

Don't be so worried. Same situation here. I think this is part of life. I talked to my closest cousing who is married already and she says that's part of growing up. Parents can't help being so bossy and controling.

Just ignore all the awful things she might say and just live your life!! Think about it this way: Parents don't have any sense of fun!!

Answer 7

honey I know it seems like a long way off but it isn't and the day will come and you will be own your own and you parents house will be just that.... just go with the flow it want be long now.... all the other stuff you mentioned you will find a man who will love you like you deserve someday but for now love your self be you self cuz this will all pass soon enough...

Answer 8

simple: move out....... far away............... very very far away