Don't know what to think. Should I be upset or not?

Question

I had a baby in 2000 and the father and I lived together. When she was 10 months old, he took off and moved states away. The birth father moved on to be with another girl and talked to our daughter sometimes. We have not hindered them from a relationship, but the father signed over parental rights to my husband in 2005.
He doesnt pay childsupport and for now is just a weekly phone call. The calls are always initiated on our side. 2 months ago he stopped answering his calls and I just found out that his gf is 10 weeks pregnant.

He couldn't be bothered to take care of his own child and now his gf is trying to get my daughter all excited about being a "Big Sister" I don't want to impede on my daughter's relationship with her birth father but this makes me feel wierd. My husband has been a father to my daugher in every sense of the word.
Do you think I should keep my daughter away from them or should I just keep quiet and let her find the truth out when she is older? Any advice

Answer 1

I'm not a mother but as a daughter I can give my 2 pennies worth...

I would be honest with your daughter about everything. She may be young, but kids these days are so perceptive - I have 2 little sisters.

I would let her know who her father is, and if she chooses to, let her be a part of her birth fathers life, and her new sibling's life.
Also, if she is completely in the know about her birth father, there's no anxiety about when she gets older, telling her, she might feel she missed out growing up, this way she will know the score.

I bet she is completely fulfilled father-wise, with your husband. The one who does the best job parenting a child doesn't always have to be the biological parent.

I'd say as long as your little girl is happy, you should be happy. Don't fret or try to work out how a situation will work out, just go with the flow, it'll all work itself out.

Answer 2

First, I congradulate you on trying to keep your daughters interest first and foremost in this situation. I think, if it were me, I would stop initiating the call and let them know that if he wants to talk to the little girl, he will have to do the calling from now on. I would also be sueing him for childsupport for the last 6 years. Why doesn't he pay? Because you let it slide all of this time, maybe hoping he would stay out of your life. Go to court and get a judgement on him; have his check garnished. Then put the money aside for your daughter. Later on, you can tell her that her Daddy saved that money for her. As far as the new baby goes, she can't be a Big Sister if the baby isn't close to her. Ask the gf to stop mentioning that to her unless they plan on visiting. It's almost like making a promise that they don't intend to keep. And it's going to make your daughter feel bad when she can't participate. I would also get some adoption proceedings going so your husband can be the "father" of this little girl, then you can stop playing nice-nice with her Dad. At any rate, the child is loved and in a stable environment. You're trying to keep it that way for her sake. She has a good and loving family. Godloveya.

Answer 3

I wouldn't stop her from having a relationship with her birth father but I would stop initiating all the phone calls.....It sounds like your daughter has a wonderful daddy and she unfortunately will realize the truth about her birth father without you having to tell her anything.....and you appearing neutral will help her in the long run....if you need to vent then vent away but out of earshot of your daughter......a leopard never changes his spots. You have a beautiful daughter and a supportive husband and father for her.....

Answer 4

Don't call him. Let him call her. Also don't allow visits, unless
they are supervised by you or your husband.
This may sound harsh, but its for the best. Sit down and explain to your daughter in very simple terms that her biological father
loves her, but that he is very busy with his own life and that
he'll call when he's not so busy.
When her father doesn't call (he won't), she'll ask about him.
Just tell her that he still loves her and he'll call when he can
and for her not to worry about it.
Eventually, she'll stop asking about him.
During this process, it would help if your husband bonded closer
to your daughter. Have him take her out to lunch to McDonald's
(just her) or take her to a movie, or to the park. A few special outings.
Eventually your husband will be "DAD" in all senses of the word.
She won't even think about her real dad.
When she gets older, she may want to try and get in touch with him to express her anger at him being such a jerk. (Encourage that if she wants to.)
But, in the end she'll have a rewarding relationship with your husband which will matter more.
Trust me, I know. My biological father stopped calling or visiting when I was 6. My stepfather became my real dad in every sense of the word.

Answer 5

Neither of what you propose! (keep daughter away nor keep quiet).

Our emotions and our maturity sometimes lead us to believe that we can predict the future and its consequences but it is a short step from that belief to actually controlling the outcome. Even if we can see what is coming accurately there is a difference between knowing it and enticing it. You should inform your daughter in a very matter of fact manner when any untruths appear but don't try to set the scene. Do not keep quiet and do not enforce no contact or a certain perspective. Your daughter will surprisingly draw an accurate conclusion if she has accurate facts even as a youngster. She should not have to bare the burden of her father's shortcomings, nor the weight of your conscious. She can be excited to have a sister AND know that her father didn't do the things that he should have done as a father.

Answer 6

The best thing you can do is stop initiating contact, but foster a strong relationship between your daughter and yourself and her new father. If he is a good father then her need will be filled, and you will be in a better situation to handle this when she's older. If she has a father then you kept nothing from her.

Answer 7

well if her birth father signed his rights over then technically he doesnt have to pay child support...but also if he signed his rights over then you dont have to let him see her....he has no rights to that child so why even confuse her more?? I mean in all reality your husband is your daughters father...he definatly has more rights to her then her birth father....I look at it like this if he was willing to sign over all rights of his daughter to ur husband then he dosnt deserve to see or talk to her....he had his chance

Answer 8

If Ur husband has been loving her as his own, genuinely, then, U dint need to bother bout the biological father. But u must tell her the truth now, not later.

Answer 9

if isnt man enough to take care of your daughter he dont need to have anything to do with it now that hes got another and he probably wont take care of that one. but give him one more chance for your daughters sake and if he bails out again the asshole daont need to have anymore kids from any body

Answer 10

Don't call him anymore. Let him call her. This sounds like a set up for her feelings to get really hurt.

She may need a little therapy in the future to get over it.