Do you treat people differently if you know they are sick?

Question

This question is just of personal interest to me. At age 24, I was diagnosed with cancer (Hodgkin's Disease) and I just found out over Christmas that I've relapsed. I lost my hair during chemotherapy but almost always wore hats and hair pieces. Many people didn't know I was sick unless I told them. After my stem cell/bone marrow transplant I looked sickly for awhile but recovered quickly.

I've been in many situation where people were really nice and friendly, talkative until we got to the subject of my illness. Suddenly, they were uncomfortable. Which I can understand.

People in my family often treat me like I can't do things on my own (physically) and it irritates me, because I don't FEEL sick. I'm confident that I can beat it again and live a healthy life (I'm only 25!)

Is it just that non-sick people have pity for us? Do they just not know HOW to react? I try to hide it from people so I don't make THEM uncomfortable. lol

Answer 1

Dear Kaillita,
I am sorry you have had to deal with the illness you have had. But, in answer to your question, I would not treat you any differently than I would if you were my friend and you were sick. That's not how friends work. I have had a similar problem. At the age of 28 (I am 32 now) I broke my spine. I had a spinal disease as a child which made my spine more susceptible to problems such as fractures, arthritis, and degenerative disc disease. I actually lost friends because of it. I think they were either afraid that what I had was 'catchy' or they did not know what to say to me about my disease and felt like they couldn't talk to me about it...ask questions, etc. I also spent a lot of time in the hospital and I think it made people feel uncomfortable. My mother also sometimes (still) treats me like I can't do a lot of things and I have friends who do this as well. Like last week, I wanted to go ice skating and everyone freaked out because they thought I'd get hurt. I understand their concern...but like you I am confident that I can handle whatever is going to happen to me and so I called my orthopedic doctor...asked for his opinion about going skating...he said go for it and I did and it was great. I am not going to...I refuse to live my life in a glass bubble. I have a lot of life to live and I plan to enjoy it. I honestly believe that people just do not always know the right way to react to people who have health issues. Some of it may be pity. Some may feel guilty that it is happening to you and not them. My mom cried and wanted it to be her instead of me. That could be some of what your family is feeling. They might feel hopeless. Scared. My advice to you is to tell you family and friends what you need. If they get too pushy, annoying...whatever you want to call it...just tell them you appreciate the concern and that you love them but you are a strong person and are not going to let Hodgkins dictate how you live your life. I applaud your willingness to fight. You attitude is an inspiration to others...even me and I have so been there. If you want to talk further email me at [e-mail] I'd love to get to know you some more. You sound like and amazingly strong, intelligent and determined individual. That is going to help you continue to fight and win your battle. You sound like a beautiful woman and your family and friends should feel blessed to have you in their lives.
Take care of yourself. I will keep you in my thoughts for an improved and speedy recovery...but don't forget to take time for yourself and ask for help if you need it.

Answer 2

I don't treat anyone differently unless there a holes. There are people that are or have been sick that I hang with. This one guy had cancer in his face,he's in remission aging, but lost 1/3 of his face. I knew before it started and he is still a great guy.The loss of eye,ear and cheek bone many people look the other way or cross the street when they see him.Others treat him like he can't do things like drive or talk loud as if he's deaf. And most are uncomfortable around him. Same thing with my blind friend. Most people just don't know how to deal with this situation. I too have some handicaps from surgeries not that you can see it other than walking with a cane. Even with just that some people treat me different. We just forget about it and go on.Your much younger than my friends and I am, I think your last paragraph pretty much answers it all. Just don't let it get you down as time goes by they will adjust to you. Reading your question, I think that you have the spunk and a good out look to beat it aging, and have a long healthy and happy lifetime ahead of you. Best of luck!!

Answer 3

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. You sound like a person who wishes to avoid conflict. That is rather idealistic but is unavoidable as you so aptly have pointed out. Try speaking up and giving your opinion but be kind and non-threatening. I'm assuming when you say "fight" you actually mean a disagreement. Good friends can and should disagree . . . it is rather healthy and stimulates the mind. If you can't do this with your friends, they're not what most of us would call friends. My best friend and I can have a heated debate then end it and go have lunch with never a thought about what was said. We have been like that since the 3rd grade. And my age is old. Really old to you. So gently think through your responses and jump right in. Best of Luck!

Answer 4

I am so sorry to hear of your cancer and like you said you are a fighter!!

I have a councilor I go to for managing my pain and other things. Normal peeps do not understand what being sick or in pain does to ones mental health! I got up from my chair my last appointment and I could not stand. Mr. helped me like he does and to us this is not a big deal. The councilor said to me after she herd my bones popping and how I needed help so you are really hurting. This to me was surprising, what do you think we were talking about.....

People do act differently when they find out it is not that one is fat but because of the braces and clothing one has on, or one is cranky from the meds or like in your instance you have cancer and there is side effects. I wear warm gloves while shopping and can not walk as fast as Mr. and at time I am in a lot of pain. I get the strangest looks from people! With my disabled son we get many rude comments, people just do not know what to do.....

I came home to where I grew up to take care of my dying father. My family was shocked that I was treating him like normal, like I have done all my life. This made my father feel normal, like he was when he was healthy. I also talked to him a lot like I had always done. The rest of my family were horrified and quite mean to me because of this.
I am sure in the hospital you have over herd conversations of sick kids and there parents? I herd one where the child was just flat out mean to the parents. The parents treating the child as if the child was sick and not a normal child. People who are sick just want to be treated like a normal person. Not cruel but not sick, or at least this is the way I feel. Also those who are disabled deformities in wheelchairs etc.

Anyhoo these are my thoughts on this. Feel better and keep up the fight :0)

Answer 5

Well, most people don't have to deal with serious illnesses either in themselves or anyone they know, so yes, it does make them uncomfortable if they're confronted with it. It's certainly not your fault, but it's not really theirs either, it's just a situation that they're not prepared to deal with, I would imagine that your family and friends after time will get used to it and realize that when you're fine that you're really fine and they don't have to treat you like you're made of glass. In the meantime, you may have to gently educate people that although what you have can be serious and debilitating, while it's not, you just want to be treated like everybody else (which is pretty much what everybody wants I suppose).
As for whether I personally treat people differently if they're sick, really only if they're my patients ^_^. Otherwise I figure they feel bad enough with the disease itself without being made to feel like a leper for it.

Answer 6

Myself I treat people the same sick or not.The only way I would not cut up if they feel really bad. Alto of people are scared for themselves not the sick because they know that one day they might be in your shoes also they think if they treat you like you need to be bed ridden you might live longer or help make the cancer go away.keep eating and doing what you are doing. I will pray for you good luck and take care.

Answer 7

A great deal of people don't understand cancer enough to treat them the same. My mother was that way. I really did not know how much she worked until I saw her in her last two weeks on earth. She was a very strong woman. Her strength is now my strength. Act strong and God bless. People don't know you yet if they treat you differently they don't know your strength.

Answer 8

You GO! You BEAT that cancer AGAIN!
You can do it!
People just don't know what to do or say, but they mean well. Look at their hearts.
You hang in there and win the fight! I'm rooting for you!
Best wishes.

Answer 9

well those people more than likely love you and know you they just care . you'd be the same way to them dont let it bug ya to much. they will bounce back and treat ya like they did before that takes time. Just like if you break your arm everyone wants to do stuff for ya but take the cast off and look what happens.lol

Answer 10

I think it can bring out the best in people becuase they dont know what to do. My mom was just diagnosed with lung cancer and it changed her so much, it also changed me to feel more human and reach out to people. Most people are uncomfortable with things they are unfamiliar with.