When you have to choose between being controlled by your family or losing them... what do you do when...?

Question

you miss them and want to go running back, even now in my 30's?

I have set bounderies, but they couldn't risk losing control of me. I have to choose between myself and them. My kids also are put in a position to choose between their mommy and them. Being straight forward doesnt' work... they can't handle losing control... So I have to lose my family, but I really miss them????

Answer 1

Who wants a controlling relationship when you're the puppet? Thats not respect. Do what you need to do for you and your family to live peacefully. I have the same situation- controlling family, I broke ties and even though I would like the "family" I don't want THAT family. It's quality not quantity.

Answer 2

Many of us have family members like this, so don't feel alone. Sometimes you can back off for awhile and this will help. However there is occasion you will have to put a lot of distance and miles in between you and the controlling family members. However, before you do this try to let them know that you are not under their control and they should back up. I hope this will work for you, as i had to result to the more extreme measures. More miles, less visits and sometimes no communication at all. You have to find a way to keep your sanity and let them know that you are your own person.

Answer 3

At the age 30 you no longer need the approval of your family to do anything. And you most assuredly don't need to be controlled by them.

How do they control you? Are they trying to tell you how to run your life....what women you can see.....where you should live?

For the most part all of this is none of their business.

Regardless of what it is remember this:

They can only control you with your permission. You must give your okay for them to do it. Sure they may try but what makes you think you need to follow what they say? If they don't consider you to be an independent adult by now they never will.

You don't have to alienate them. Just tell them thanks for their advise and then do what is right for you. Don't get mad and don't say anything that makes them mad. Just listen and then live your life. Sooner or later they will get it.

Answer 4

I really wish you had said a little bit more about what they do, i have a son that was so controlled by his wife that she would put ideas in his head that he was being controlled, one day he finely knew that it was her that was trying to control him and he came back and asked me to forgive him. She wanted him to go to her families events before our family events and she would tell him that i was just tiring to control him. I would tell him that i just wanted him to come to our family events and put us first some times too not just her family. When he finally but his foot down and he stated telling her that his family mattered too and that he was going to treat her family as she would treat us and low and behold he did just that and she started to feel what he was feeling.Things have changed since then it did take a little bit of time But, .she even told me that it was her mother that made a big deal about her getting close to our family. Things are good now but it took some time. Know she tells me she loves me and wishes her mom had never came between us. It is not big deal to me anymore, all i wanted was not to lose my son or her or the kids.

Answer 5

Call them! See how they are doing. At least knowing that they are OK will relieve your worries. If they give you a hard time, then ignore them. You already did your part on checking up on them. It's nothing wrong with checking up on them and at the same time putting your foot down. They have to appreciate you at some point. They can't control you forever. After trying so long and can't, believe me, they will come to their senses and give up trying to control you.

Answer 6

i was controlled by may family and im in my 30s too tell them its your life and you will learn by your own mistakes talk to them on the phone dont go over thier to let them take control of you take control of your own life and stick up for yourself if you need to talk just email [e-mail] when you find yourself getting down talk to a friend . good luck chin up you can do it alone for a while then they will see what they are doing and know they cant control you anymore.

Answer 7

You need to recognize that those are not your only 2 choices. Going back to them doesn't mean you have to be controlled. Show them and make it very clear that you love them and want them in your life... but of your own life, you must maintain control.

Answer 8

you need to live your life for yourself and not allow your family to intervene! You can call once in a while but let them know that you are not going to put up with their crap!!! You can always make up your own family thru close friends...being family does not require blood relation! Your kids will understand that you are taking up for yourself and for them...they will follow your footsteps and not others control them!!!

Answer 9

Being with your family is good but, You need to stand up for yourself and be in control of your own life.

Answer 10

I take it you left because they were so controlling of you and now you want to go back and be a part of their lives. In this case, I think the best thing for you to do is to do one of two things. Either call them and explain what you wish to do and that you miss them and really love them and want them to be a part of your life and ask them if you could come home and visit with them, or just go and see them and talk to them and tell them how you feel. Tell them you love them and want them in your life and again tell them why you left and explain it as fully as you can. Be calm and reasonable with them even if they get emotional and angry with you. Show them you are a better person and that you have patience. When I wanted to get married, my father hit the roof. I was 22 at the time with a college degree. He kept telling me, NO! There was no discussion. He had ruled my life from the outset. I got engaged without telling him or my mother. Then my wife at the time and I visited my parents and told them when we were going to get married (the exact date). Again my father went into a fit of rage. He hollered and screamed and yelled and stomped around like a crazed child while I sat in a chair in his study hearing and watching all this. After he ran out of breath so to speak, I just calmly told him, we were going to get married and he could come or not but that I loved him and wanted him to come with mother. He again went into a fit of rage and after a while I just got up and opened the door and started walking down to the kitchen to get my fiancee who was talking to my mother at the time. By the waym, my mother was very understanding. As my fiancee and I exited the house and went toward the car, my father just kept yelling and screaming and finally yelled, "If you go through with this, I'll disown you!" I told him calmly and while I was now in tears, "I'm sorry you feel that way Dad, but we ARE going to get married when I said we were." I took a chance that he wouldn't disown me. The next few years were hard for my wife and me because of my father but slowly, very slowly he came to love my wife and accept her and love me too. Sometimes you must do what you feel is best but whatever you do try your best to keep your family a part of your life.