Ugh, I really need some help understanding this girl!?

Question

I've been dating this girl for five months. I have done so much for her, because I'm head over heels. I spend entire weekends at her place. Cook for her. Take her out. We sleep in the same bed. Naked. We kiss. A lot. We haven't had sex yet. I'm ready, she's not. She tells me she loves me. The first time I told her, she cried. She tells me she's confused, but says I'm perfect. Tells me that the girl who wins my heart will be the luckiest girl on earth, but that the thought of me in someone else's arms makes her physically sick. I want to move this forward, be with her, but this is too hard! Should I really be chasing after someone who has to think this hard about being with me? And no, neither one of us are in our teens.

Let me clarify: by "being with me," I mean being in a relationship with me, not forcing her into sex (which I would NEVER do). The problem is, I already think of this girl as my girlfriend, right or wrong, and I will be as patient (and persistant) as I feel I need to be - she's that important to me. This weekend, we got into our situation a bit before turning in. As usual, she slept naked (which I find SO hot because she's so beautiful). She didn't notice that I slep in my clothes until the next morning, which I explained away by saying "I didn't trust myself." We're supposed to be going away this weekend and now I'm the one who's totally confused...

Answer 1

She sounds slightly wacked to me. Seems like she has a morbid fear of an intimate physical relationship, and I bet if you probe deeper you will find that as a child of 8 or 10 she was groped or raped by her father, uncle, brother, or some other relative. Not much you can do in a case like that because it has NOTHING to do with you at all.

I know. I'm married to one. It's hopeless.

Answer 2

i've always heard that nything worth having is worth fighting and waiting for. so far you're doing great, but there's some kind of a hangup on her part. odds are, she probably wants to tell you about it but is worried, afraid, whatever. this problem is probably of a sexual nature since that is the symptom.
my advice is, get to the bottom of it. don't make it about sex. create a place, a mood, where she can feel safe and ask her what it is that she is so confused about. tell her she is the girl who has won your heart and that you don't want to be in anyone else's arms. ask her why she doesn't seem to see that as a real permanent possibility. don't push her out of her safe zone, but show her that this is bothering you and that you want to know so you can help her get over this hangup.
give her some time to come to terms with that. if you're still in the same position a few days after this talk, i'd say talk to her best friend, her mother, somebody who knows her well. don't go into too many details, just say you love each other and you're worried about her. she has some kind of problem she's not sharing. don't ask them to betray secrets, just ask them if they can help. they might be able to help you, or they may go to her and help her figure it out.

i wish you luck. sounds like you have something special going here. don't give up on it.

Answer 3

When you say she is thinking hard about "being with me", do you mean "having sex with me" or "being in a relationship with me"? Either way, I think you need to have a serious conversation with her and ask what is holding her back. Don't be nasty about it, just say something like "I love you and would like to move this relationship to the next level but I sense you are not ready to take that step. Help me understand what is holding you back". Maybe she has made some sort of chastity vow (albeit a lenient one, since she rolls around naked in bed with you) or maybe she thinks you are a good guy, but just isn't attracted to you and is trying to trick herself into feeling something she doesn't, or maybe she is just stringing you along until someone she likes better shows up. Who knows? You'll never know until you ask. But after you ask, make sure you get a reasonable answer. If she can't give you one, I would say move on.

Answer 4

Have you ever heard the saying 'no ring no ting'? Your girlfriend is just contemplating the point of no return. Once she gives herself to you that's it she can never erase that truth from her mind and if she's a virgin well she wont be able to replace her seal you'll be the only one to have broken it. SHE LOVES YOU man but she's just conditioning her mind first as to whether or not she can live with herself if she goes all the way with you and then you dump her - well you're not married and probably never brought it up with her - so from that stand point she probably thinks that she has everything to loose.

Besides don't worry yourself; there's this movie called 'Adam & Eve' and the guy was in your exact position - he held out for 9 months until he and his girlfriend had sex. I recommend you watch the movie it's set on a college capmus and I got to understand how guys think - he interacted with his peers a lot in the movie - but dont take my word for it go see the movie. He lived through his blue balls and so can you but you need to masturbate every once in a while or ask your girl to give you a hand job every once in a while or else the excess sperm that builds up in your pe_is can give you a UTI (urinary tract infection).

Answer 5

How strange it must feel to not comprehend that she thinks so highly of you as not to be worthy of you.She has some confidence issues but she also has some kind of emotional background history as well.If you can learn from her why she feels so unworthy of you then perhaps it would give the answers to her and how to understand why she feels the way she does.
At the same time that she see's you as such a great catch you need to point out to her that she isn't a bad catch herself.Teach her through actions that you aren't a prize to be won among women but instead a person.In order for her to understand and accept that she deserves you she needs to learn and accept that you deserve her as well.
Teach her its 50/50 in this relationship.One step at a time and a whole lot of patience hun.And you'll see that it'll be worth it even if you 2 don't make it in the long run at least you'll have been the one to teach her how to accept herself and the power she herself holds.

Good Luck & Loads of Patience to You,
M.Gard

Answer 6

Maybe you should just take a step back from the situation. Not totally ending it with her, but don't be so readily available for her. Cut back the naked sleeping and lots of kissing. In this time see what other fish are out there, and who knows~ maybe you'll find the right girl for you, and this may give her the time to decide if you're the right guy for her. But just make sure that she doesn't play games with you.

Answer 7

Maybe she was hoping to be a virgin when she married and is scared by her intense feelings for you. You could tell her that she is the luckiest girl on earth because she's already won your heart (but only if its true). Just because she isn't in her teens doesn't mean that she is automatically ready for a full on sexual relationship - she could be frightened about pregnancy, just insecure etc.

Talk to her.

Answer 8

You are a wonderful and a patient man Robert. We both know what love it and physical love happens to be a huge part of any adult relationship. My instinct tells me she's not the one for you. There is someone else out there who will equally respond to all of your generosity, passion and love. And you will know exactly and without doubt that she's the one.

-P

Answer 9

You sound like the absolutely perfect guy. I am sorry that things are not working out for you and this girl. Is she in love with someone else? Something major has to be up for her to act like this with you and still not want to move your relationship forward.

Good luck!

Answer 10

Sounds like she may be confused as to how she "loves" you- maybe she can't imagine you more than just a very good friend-if she can't cross the line to sleeping w/you. But I don't see how you can fall in love in only 5 mos.?? What does she mean the girl who wins your heart- doesn't she want to win it??