Should I forgive my husband because he was bipolar and not on treatment?

Question

He lied not about an affair but about small things that happened in his day, large things to prevent me from getting upset now he says he and his doctor can explain his erratic behavior because he is bipolar and I should forgive and forget, focus on his new treatment and be supportive.....I believe he is trying I see it everyday, he is not even totally stable on meds yet but he is so good but I have trouble letting go of the past and I always end up tearing into him about his past behavior....he appologizes and a couple days later I am down his throat again about the past. I believe he is sorry but I cant let go and am unsure I by this bipolar excuse...help!!!

Answer 1

Been there and done that from the other side...

I'm the bipolar husband, and I know from my own experience what suddenly having an 'off the shelf excuse' for my past behaviour can do to a relationship. My wife was furious and frustrated all at the same time.

Right now, you need to work on yourself - he's just going to have to deal with his own problems coming to terms with a very serious mental condition. He WILL need your support, but you have to be in a position to give it first. He'll be OK on his own for a while.

You need to decide if there is enough of a relationship left to carry on, or if the one you had was worth resurrecting. If the answer to that is yes, then you need to forgive. The best you should aim for in the first instance is not dragging up the past: he will have to win your trust back through his behaviour and continued (relative) stability.

It won't be quick: I'm 20 months into this and it's still hard going.

Best of luck whatever you decide. (Feel free to email me, BTW)

Answer 2

I hate to say this, but when is your life - WHEN ARE YOUR FEELINGS, and STATE OF MIND GOING TO BE ON THE TOP OF THE LIST. It should be now. You are like a person who is in a prisoner of war campl to close to see the situtation for what it really is. Dou you have children? Cause if yiu do, you are teaching them how a woman is supposed to behave and be-what kind of example are you showing your kids?
I am not saying that you are a bad person, I am sayiing that you are good person that is very pissed off.

I suggest that you get some therapy or counseling for yourself. You've been through alot having to react to to all of that erratic bi-polar behavior. Get some mental and emotional healing for yourself, don't beat him up so much verbally, give yourself some time to heal, before you make any hasty decisions and give him some space. I wouldn't suggesting leave him or anything that drastic.
Not yet, not until you resolve your anger and feel like yourself again, then you can decide if you even want to deal with him in your life anymore - cause you are important too.
He's not more important or valuable than you just cause he's a man.

You;re very angry because of what you've been through and you've got your own "fixing" to do because of what you've experienced.
I think yu'll be ok - if you get some counseling and stop jumping all over him about what he did in the past, he's sick. \
You wouldn't want someone to tell you off and yell at you about somethtng that you couldnt help and something that you did in the past - right? Its like spanking a child about sothing they did wrong two weeks ago - they kid forgot and he starts to resent you for not being consistant and for holding a grudge.
Take care of yourself first.

Answer 3

That is a very tough situation but I would be thinking of one thing....even as a person with bipolar who experiences severe mood swings, they are still aware of their actions and know the difference of right and wrong. Therefore, he knows that an affair was wrong.

I cannot tell you to have sympathy or not. To believe him or not. What I will say is simple.....Once a spouse has had an affair, there will never again be 100% trust. There will always be suspicion and suspicion, not proof, is enough to destroy a relationship. Even as an excuse of bipolar, there may be times when he is not taking his meds and if so, he could always use that excuse to have another affair and continuously seek forgiveness while using his disorder as the excuse.

Only you can determine if this is the life you choose to live. But let me add, if you choose this life to forgive and forget.....you must NEVER AGAIN bring about his past of infidelity. If you do, you will only add another tear into your marriage. Acceptance is for all the marbles and forgetting the mistakes.

Answer 4

One of the symptoms of bipolar disorder is hypersexuality. As a result, people who are bp and unmedicated act-out, even though they understand that it is "wrong". The primary question is whether YOU want to remain in the relationship, or if you see this as an opportunity to move on. You sound as if you have many unresolved issues about his past behavior and the ways that he has impacted your relationship. No one can tell you whether to remain or not--it is, after all, YOUR life. But I truly think that discussing your relationship and your options for staying or leaving should be done in the context of psychotherapy. Sounds as if you have not weighed out all of your options about the relationship and what you want for your life, and the best place to resolve all of these issues is not online with a group of well-intentioned but not necessarily professional counselors, but with a professional counselor. An LMFT, LCSW, or psychologist can best help you to answer your question for yourself.

Good luck!

Answer 5

I feel your pain my husband is bi polar and does not take treatment but your answer is simple If you said you forgive him then do it sweetie living in the past is not healthy for you. Give him the chance you said you would and see where it goes. If he does not change then you need to decide what you want to do. There is another side to this do not let use this as an excuse to be bad or do things unexpectal to you. Good luck to you I know how you feel.

Answer 6

sounds like the fella is really trying. give him a chance. someone with mental illness their brain just doesn't function very well. when meds are right his brain will function better -- he will reason better. it is hard for someone to really understand mental illness when they haven't experienced it. i have a major depressive disorder. some people would say snap out of it and when they do they are showing their ignorance. i grew up in a home where their was abuse--i still have trouble sometimes with that. i have had cancer but nothing even comes close to the despair of mental health. as long as he stays on his meds--please forgive him--and stay by his side--things will get better.

Answer 7

If he recognizes his problem and is getting help and doing everything he can to get well, if you love him, you must accept the past for what it is and move on. I can relate to your situation. I am a recovering alcoholic and what I put my wife through was terrible. But when I faced my situation, realized that I was dealing with a disease, we got help together, because my disease had made her almost if not as sick as I was. Sound familiar? "Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now an make a brand new end".

Answer 8

If you really love somebody, accept them for who they are now. what happened in the past may hurt, but if they are truly sorry now and you feel they won't hurt you ever again, i would say forgive him

Answer 9

Once a warrior asked a monk: "What is the difference between heaven and hell?" The monk replied: "You ignorant brute, you are nothing but a savage. Why would I waste my time on you?"

Filled with anger and hatred, the warrior started beating the monk. After a few minutes, the warrior realised what a heinous act he was committing and stopped.

The monk smiled and said: "That fit of anger is hell". The warrior was so ashamed of his violent act that he begged the monk to forgive him.

The monk again smiled and said: "Your asking for forgiveness is heaven".

The parents of a child who was killed spent every waking hour to see that the person responsible was punished.

It was found that the criminal was barely 18 years of age. Then, one day, they realised that they had spent many years in this state of anger.

Not only had they lost their child but their lives were also being lost to anger and hatred. One day, they did the unthinkable.

They decided to forgive the person who had committed the crime. They went to prison where the boy was incarcerated and told him they had forgiven him.

They also met his parents and realised that they too were suffering because of what their son had done. Instead of feeling anger, they felt compassion for the boy's parents, who, in a way, had also lost their son.

By forgiving the boy and his family, the parents experienced a tremendous release from their pain. A great burden had lifted from their hearts....

Transformed by their love >>

The person who committed the crime was also moved by their forgiveness and was transformed by their love. The parents realised through forgiveness, they had saved their own lives from further deterioration.

Their health improved, they were able to function again, and they felt the love of God flow through them. Forgiving others can benefit us physically, mentally and spiritually.

First of all feelings of anger, hatred and vengeance cause damage to the physical body. Secondly, there is a karmic price one must pay when one is filled with anger and hatred.

If we know this, we may think twice before sending out the boomerang of anger.

Thirdly, when we act out of anger, we may set in motion a chain of violence from which we find it hard to escape, resulting in an even worse situation than the original injury.

The password to God's abode is love. God is love and only love can reside in God's domain. Thus, for us to be fit to re-enter our eternal home, we must become all love. Anger and hatred are alien to the land of God.

Forgiveness is the remedy for anger and this will help us re-enter the domain of the Lord. There are many spiritual benefits to practising forgiveness.

First, we experience improvement in our meditation. We know how difficult it is to still the mind, we can maintain a calm mind by forgiving others as it brings spiritual benefits.

Forgiveness decreases our karmic load. Because anger and hatred increase our karmic load; each day that we control our negative qualities is a day that we are lessening that load.

Forgiveness is a good detergent to purify ourselves of karmic debts. Finally, one of the greatest benefits of forgiveness is that we become examples for others.

Love and forgiveness inspire others to love and make the world a peaceful place. If we learn the art of forgiveness, we can transform our life and achieve our goal of self-knowledge and God-realisation.

Answer 10

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Run do not walk,to the lawyer