A friend of mine is getting married next month and has invited me to the evening reception. I told him that I can't go as, much as I like his fiancée, I think he's making a mistake. He is gay but hasn't found the courage to come out. I am one of only a handful of people who know. I know that his isn't an unheard of situation and many such marriages do work, but it upsets me that he's settling for what he feels is socially respectable rather than holding out for his soulmate.
Anyway, I do sincerely wish them well (he knows this) and would like to give them a wedding gift. His fiancée knows I'm not coming but I don't know if he's told her why, or why I think he's making a mistake. In the circumstances would it be two faced of me, inappropriate, to give them a gift?
Thanks for any input.
2007-01-02 12:06:30 · 18 answers · asked by pompeii 4 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
Telling her that he's gay is not an option; he'd just deny it and I have no proof. He is also a million miles from a stereotypical gay, with a child and an ex-wife!!
I've not been invited to the wedding, just the party in the evening, which is a fair journey away. Also, I've already sent my regrets to her parents. I feel really bad about not going but given what he's told me about himself and their relationship I just can't be hypocritical and go there and celebrate a lie, a sham, with their family and friends...
2007-01-02 12:19:53 · update #1
I think you're doing the right thing, just to clear that up. Their situation is their's to deal with, you told him about your concerns, and that's the extent of your responsibility. Going to her would only put you into a position that might fracture relationships because no one knows the entire story of their relationship.
Giving a gift is a courtesy and a gesture of well-wishing, so go ahead and get him a little something if it's what you want to do, that's very thoughtful of you. Best wishes!
2007-01-02 12:18:27 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you should be the one telling her fiancee about it. If he denies it, you'll look bad, seem like a jealous person or worse, a liar. Besides, like you say, there's no proof. Let it be her problem, it's her own mistake for not knowing her own future spouse, it's not your responsibility to baby sit anyone, nor telling anyone what's right and what's not.
I respect you for not willing to participate at the fake wedding because you know the truth. You don't even have to give him a present at all because you're already told him what's in your mind--- he knows he doesn't have your approval.
2007-01-02 13:05:30 · answer #2 · answered by Speck Schnuck 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The key word you used was "friend". A friend might make their objections known, but they would still "be there "for a friend. Since accepting a wedding invitation entails bringing the traditional wedding gift, then that's what you should. You are then letting your friend know that, although you do not support his decision to marry, you do, however, support him as your friend.
2007-01-02 12:16:26 · answer #3 · answered by mokermaker 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should have a heart to heart with your friend and encourage him to be honest with his future wife, what kind of relationship are they going to have if they aren't going to be honest from the start. I'm sure she will be more understanding if he comes clean ahead of time instead of to late.
I think you should still buy a gift and show your support even if you don't agree on whom he is marrying. The day may come that they don't agree whom you choose to marry but you would still appreciate their support just the same.
2007-01-02 12:33:32 · answer #4 · answered by froggi6106 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would get them a gift if I were in your situation. If he wants to proceed with the wedding, I would just let him do what he wants and let him learn the hard way. He's making his own bed here, he's the one who's going to have to lie in it.
2007-01-02 12:15:44 · answer #5 · answered by Veridian 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
when you are invited to the wedding
you has to give a gift even if you do not attend
yet write a notes to encourage the success of the marry
2007-01-02 12:21:21 · answer #6 · answered by kimht 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I personally think you should. Whilst he may be making a mistake, he is still your friend and you need to show that you care about him, and as you said wish him well. Present or no present, it sounds as though it isn't going to change anything. You may as well show your friendship :)
2007-01-02 22:04:57 · answer #7 · answered by okay 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your gift to them should be that you tell her the truth, it's easy to break off a engagement but it's very expensive and much more trying to dissolve a marriage. All the best.
2007-01-02 12:15:02 · answer #8 · answered by Paul D 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
i think you should respect your friend's wishes and DON'T tell her, that's his job, not yours, but i would recommend advising your friend to tell her. And yes, get them a gift, and go to the wedding, be the bigger person.
2007-01-02 12:17:18 · answer #9 · answered by kate 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He knows your objections. And knows you are still his friend. By going, you're supporting his decision, whether or not you agree with it. You still accept him as a friend, and respect his decision on how to live his life.
His relationship with his fiancee is between him and her. His relationship with you is between him and you.
2007-01-02 15:17:25 · answer #10 · answered by DavID 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋