My kids don't like their grandpa (my dad). What should I do?

Question

My dad will sometimes want to come over so he can see the boys and then when he gets here all he does is watch TV, play tetris, go on the internet or read something. Then when it's time to go he wants the boys to hug and kiss him goodbye. They rarely want to do it on their own initiative. It's something I almost have to force them to do. I know that my older son (4) says he doesn't like it when grandpa tickles him when he gives hugs. I remember when I was little my dad always had to get in a tickle when he hugged me or a whisker rub. I hated both. Now he's doing it to my kids and they don't like it either. Even though my son has told him he doesn't like it when he tickles him, while he hugs him he still does it sometimes. And at my parents house my dad is a little more interactive with them but not much. It probably doesn't help that their other granpa is wonderful with them. Should I force my kids to hug their grandpa? How can I get them to like him more?

I need to clarify something. I don't mind being tickled and my kids like to be tickled too but when your arms are around someones neck and they are pinning you to them so you can't get away or tickle them in return it's very frustrating, almost a control issue.

Answer 1

your kids are young yet
Your father doesn't seem to want much interaction with your kids. My dad is the same way with my niece and three Nephews.
You might want to sit your kids down and tell them that their grandfather loves them very much but . . .(fill in the gap) You know your dad the best and hopefully knows why he's watching TV and playing computer games while he's at your place.
Tell them that in hugging and tickling that's the way he shows how much he loves them.
DO NOT FORCE YOUR KIDS TO KISS OR HUG THEIR GRANDPA. For one important reason! They may resent you and your father! The best thing to do is like I said sit em down and talk to them about it. Those who are old enough to understand. 4+ should understand. If they don't want to hug him than have them say " I love you" or blow him kisses. If you force them they will grow to resent it.
I hated my aunt D. since I was twelve but was forced to act like I liked her. Same with my two older brothers. We all hate Aunt D and disliked our parents for trying to be nice to someone who seemed to dislike us soo much. Good luck!

Answer 2

How about instead of your 4 year old telling him that he dont like it, why dont you sit hm down and explain that they dont like it. Maybe that will have a better impact knowing that you are stepping in. I dont think that you should force them to hug him if they dont want to but also dont let them hate him either. Just explain to them that although they dont like when grandpa hugs and tickles them, that they should still hug him a little. You yourself said that he did you the same way and you didnt like it so its pretty clear that this is something that he do and probably always will until he finds someone who likes it.
Also try this... the next time he comes over let them make up a secret hand shake or something that only they know and they will use that to greet one another instead of the hugs and tickles. Not only will this gives them some times to bond it will stop the tickling.
Good luck

Answer 3

Sometimes being straight forward is the best way to handle matters. Tell your dad you really appreciate him wanting to have a warm relationship with your boys, but you think they would like him a lot more if he would skip the tickling and the whisker rub. If he continues to do it tell him you can't help it if the boys don't want to hug him. Relationships have to be built on mutual respect. But tell the boys if grandpa agrees not give whisker rubs or tickles to hug him and that giving grandpa a hug is the polite thing to do. Tell your dad that forcing them to hug him isn't going to make them like him more. Suggest to grandpa that he spend a little of his time playing a game the boys like or all going together to a ball game or something everyone enjoys.

Answer 4

This is a difficult question but I wouldn't force your children to hug someone they don't want to. Kids should be able to feel free to initiate personal contact with who they choose, this is what protects them from falling prey to some perv, and forcing them to hug someone who they don't want to can confuse them (especially when you're talking about kids this young). Also, how would you as an adult feel if you were being forced to hug someone when you didn't want to?

Instead of trying to force contact, try to help them bond. If your father is coming over, switch the TV/computer off and make him play with the kids. If he's not interacting with them then why should they want to hug him? They probably feel like they barely know him. Speak to him about how he never spends time just playing or talking to the children and how doing so might help him enjoy a closer relationship with his grandchildren. Only by spending time with the kids can a closer, warmer and more affectionate relationship develop. He can't expect hugs and kisses if the kids feel it's all on his terms.

Answer 5

Hum... this is a tough one. My daughter is the same with my husbands dad. He lived two hours away and we only go visit on holidays and a couple times during the year, so she doesn't know him that well. But after a while she become comfortable, but when we leave she doesn't want to say goodbye. Of course she's only 3, but she's old enough to know that she doesn't want to hug him.

I think in your situation you should talk about your dad more often. Of course you say you didn't like it when it did that to you to, but i'm sure you have other good memories. This year, get the boys to put a calloge of your dad, their grandfather, and give it to him when he next comes over or you go visit, or for his birthday! And like I said, tell them stories, good ones! And show them pictures, and just talk about how much you love them even though he can be not so nice or annoying sometimes!! Tell them also some embarassing moments. Have the boys call him about twice a month. Find something that they each have in common with their grandfather, now, or when your dad was a boy as well. Have your dad give them advice one girls, sports, YOU!, and other family stuff!!

GOOD LUCK!

Answer 6

I think you have a legitimate uneasy feeling. You hit the nail on the head when you used the words "control issue". I had a controlling father, and this sort of thing just turns me off. I read somewhere that tickling is abusive. And I'm not talking about a little tickle that makes you giggle. Google it and see what you find. I have a memory of being tickled beyond laughter and hated it. Please don't force them. Men don't have to be tiptoed around, just tell him how it is. You may find that your father really understands. Good luck.

Answer 7

If you force your kids to hug their grandpa and be tickled by him, they will learn that you care more about his feelings than theirs. They will grow to resent him and possibly you also.

I think everyone would be better served if you talked with your father about building his relationship with them. Have him stop the forced tickling and tell him to ask for hugs, not take them. If he wants their genuine affection, he'll have to earn it. Family is inclined to be close, but relationships take work and must be formed.

If he doesn't agree, tell him you won't force the kids to be affectionate with him and his relationship with them is his own responsibility. Wouldn't he rather the kids were eager for his visits instead of sighing resignedly? Well, he's got to make that happen. The kids would probably love to have fun with him, even for a little bit, like a trip to the park or the zoo or playing Candy Land or making cookies. He needs to focus on them more.

Answer 8

I know it's hard when you want them to like him so much. Just tell them that it would be nice if you gave grandpa a hug. If they refuse I wouldn't force them. Just say to grandpa, well he's not the hugging type. When they get older and he tries to tickle or rub them with his beard and they still don't like it they will tell him themselves. I wouldn't say anything to your dad about it. Let the boys do it when they do. God bless!

Answer 9

Never force them to do anything.

But keep reinforcing in them that their grandpa loves them very much, he is just shows it in a different way. And that it makes hiim happy to be hugged/kissed good-bye and we like for people we love to be happy. (If it doesn't seem like too much of a guilt trip, you could also say it makes him sad when they don't and you don't want to make him sad).

I'm in a similar boat - I've had to engineer ways for my dad to interact with my kids in a way that they think is cool. I have to come up with stuff for my dad to do with my kids so they have some positive "memories" to build upon. Things like my dad & I took the kids to the movies, fishing, etc.

(PS - If I talked to my dad as some other's suggested, he would feel very self-conscious and I'm afraid he'd shut down and not interact with them at all. You have to weigh all the options. Sometimes it's better to be "happy" than right.)

Answer 10

Hugging and tickling is a form of affection -- exactly why did you not like being tickled? It sounds like your dad doesn't know how to interact with your boys. I could not survive without hugging and tickling my grandbabies. They all love it, so forgive me, your statements are foreign to me, I cannot relate - sorry. My oldest granddaughter even nicknamed me "Tickle Grandma" because I was the only grandma that would actually get on the ground and play with her - and hug and tickle. You might need to explain to your boys that it is just grandpa's way of showing his love. I would not interact with them either if they kept complaining about what I did. Because if they don't start to compromise, they will end up loosing ALL connection with him.