can kids be disciplined WITHOUT parental unity?

Question

My wife and I get into fights when i try to discipline my kids( like bedtrime...contribution to family being proactiv..responsible etc etc to the extent i feel that my wife's relation(approach to discipline) with our kids is affecting my relation with her.We are almost separated.Is there a solution for parents like us. i feel lonely isolated and unloved when i try to discipline them...someone in similar situation as me?...any solutions?

Answer 1

I know whatyou mean! i believe that the best way to raise children is by being together, mother and father should be one before children because they can notice when you figth about that and they use it.
Is not about being mean, but children are much more inteligent than we think.
Maybe your wife feel as isolated as you, you should try to talk about this, and get to agreements before this continue, maybe you should even try some councelor advice.
She migth believe in talking and being confident, talk with your kids more than be thougth parents, and you migth be thinking about making rules, giving prizes or punishment to the faults, etc.
And maybe you are both rigth in some of your ideas, but should try to find the point were you are both satisied, that is so important for you, for the relation betwen you and your wife, and for your children as well, since they use this to get what they want making you figth, and this migth be funny while they are kids.
But you and your wife, can raise persons with big problems and very confused about what is correct in the life, confused about important values and you migth make their lifes so dificult.
Remember you migth change some things as much as your wife migth do it, you have to try to get along with the solution.

Answer 2

Yes, children can be disciplined without parental unity, however it can not be done sucessfully. The children will turn to your wife when they want something or when they do wrong, because they know that she will not discipline them.

I feel that this is more than just about sucessful parenting, but I see it also as a cry for help in your relationship. I am guessing that this is one of the biggest problems your wife and you are having in your relationship.

One thing you can do is to sit down with your wife, and explain that you know that she does not agree with your discipline techniques, and ask her to help you come up with a plan that she feels is acceptable. Do not continue with the "this is the right way and she doesn't agree with it", because parenting should be something that parents can agree on. If you do not agree with her methods, or her with your methods, try to figure out a compromise to the disciplining.

You haven't really said what her and your approaches to discipline are, so it is hard to advise on what would or would not work or what compromises could be made.

But to answer the overall question- yes, children can be disciplined without parental unity, but not successfully. When there are two adults in the home, the adults need to be on the same page, because otherwise it causes confusion to the children and it also causes the children to not see the parents as equals.

Hope that helps some.

Answer 3

Have you tried adhering to a discipline? Mostly, a kid needs to develop. Sometimes, the "naughty" moments aren't the "bad" activities. You can discipline for better organization and time use. Try helping your kid organize his/her room, and be under their employ. If chic means hanging a corner of the bed from the ceiling with fishing line [well, that's rediculous]-- would be unsafe. What's wrong with sticking your hand in a can of latex paint and slapping the wall (old cans of paint are easy to come by). One of the good things about the material world: most things are toys, and toys are replaceable.

The final response to your question is 'yes.' Although, it's never smart to presume that there is only [one way>, other than the safe way. Physical methods and convolutions are usually a temporary fix for a problem unknown to the child, but experienced all-the-same.

Answer 4

It's pretty hard if you don't agree, not to mention that your kids are not getting the stability and consistency they need, which is damaging to their own sense of well being. I agree with the other guy - this sounds like a bigger problem within your relationship that is being played out through the kids. My best advice is to seek marriage counseling. It would be great for your kids to see you work out your own differences in a peaceful way but you need someone neutral to help you find common ground. One of the most effective ways to guarantee that your kids will have difficulty being in a healthy relationship when they are grown is to fight in front of them, so if you're doing that it needs to stop right away. See if counseling will help. Even if you do get separated, you still have to raise the kids by working together so you have nothing to lose but a lot to gain.

Answer 5

Sure its possible but its a lot harder..u dont want ur kids to think "oooh daddy said no but I know if I ask mommy shell say yes" and vice versa plus you should never fight about disciplin in fron of them..because then they will think that you guys are weak therefore all they will have to do is get you guys to fight then youll forget about what the did...you and your wife need to compromise on things and be consistent!!!!!!!!!! be a united front..you guys are the parents so you need to have your wife get on board with you and figure out what meets in the middle for u

Answer 6

Yes!!! I have dealt with this. I was raised in a very strict , extra conservative background..like you don't talk back to your parents and if you do you'll have a sore bottom. My boyfriend was raised in a VERY liberal household ...basically do what you want just try not to break the furniture. When I moved in over 2 years ago and was asked to assume a more mother figure roll to his two kids we started to have problems. The four year old would not want to go to bed at 9 and I would lay down the law. I truly do not believe in negotiating with a four year old. He would say "ah, just let him stay up." So I would feel as if he constantly contridicted everything I said. It went from issues with bed time, to throwing toys at us because they were mad. That is when I put my foot down. I asked him (calmly) to talk and that I wanted to discuss some of my concerns. I told him that when he contridicted me in front of the kids and did not listen to what I had to say, I felt unloved and I also felt that he bellitled my authority in front of his children. It really turned things around.

I would say to try and talk with her. Let her know (lovingly) how you feel. You might even benifit form relationship counseling (that is what we did to bring this topic up and finally fix it).

Good luck to you.

Answer 7

well sorry for my frankness here, but you both should grow up.
I mean the kids are more important than anything.
they should come first.
The two of you need to pull together for the sake of those precious kids Even if the two of you don't stay together, you owe it to those kids to get your **** together, and support them together.
you both need to be on the same page, or you will confuse you kids.
Their future is at stake. so what the two of you don't get along, but pertaining to those kids you should agree.
Just make sure the consequence fits the crime, and is age appropriate. ex: you wouldn't ground a 4 year old for a week cos he had a tantrum, he?she is too young they wouldn't understand.
You would ground a 11 year old for coming in late, for a week.
just use common sense.
Every thing will be just fine.

Answer 8

You can't parent as effectively without parental unity. Perhaps you should go to counseling with one another to work out your communication problems.

Answer 9

It is really hard to do it if you guys don't agree on guidelines for them and disipline for them they won't know what do expect are you the stricter of the 2 of you or is she.

Answer 10

my ex and i had completely diff. ideas on how to raise our 2 girls we were never on the same page . now he does it his way at his house and i do it my way at our house. the girls know we have diff. rules and when their home or at his house they obey those rules.