I am struggling with my fiance's 3 spoiled, disrespctful adult children. They are coming between us. Help?

Question

They all 3 lived with us at one time- one was asked to leave (daughter 23) and now she absolutely hates me- called me the nastiest names she could in front of my three young daughters- the oldest boy (24) is being asked to leave this Friday because he just mooches off of us for free living and food- is very disrespectful, too. The youngest (18) just has attitude and we can not have him leave because of his schooling-I am tired of dealing with these kids and do not know what to do anymore.
It is making my daily life miserable and ruining my beautiful relationship with their father.

Thier Dad is feeling guilty because they are all mad at him and I see him questioning the decisions he has made- I am scared the kids will win and we will end. I have been very very good and kind to all of these kids and still lose...

Answer 1

Either way you look at it they are his children. If you are feeling you may lose him because of his children you need to get involved. You need to put every effort on reconciling your relationship with his children. You should have a family meeting with everyone in the room.. (maybe not your small three daughters) but just between your fiance and his 3 children. Let them all say what they have to say in-front of their father. If you get it all out on the table good or bad then you can work on the problems. If that doesn't work after all that and the kids are still disrespectful well at least you tried and you are the good step-mother to be. If you tell your fiance you want to try to fix the relationship he may respect you for that and not care what happens because if you love him you have to love his kids.... good luck to you..

Answer 2

Spoiled Adult Children

Answer 3

They are likely going through their own issues in relation to the changes in the family dynamics, but you cannot allow yourself to bear the brunt of this abuse. You need your future husband to take a stand, a real serious stand and put his foot down concerning what kind of behaviors will not be tolerated. He needs to forget about the "guilt feelings" and think about why he made the decisions he did in the first place. Any weakness or wishy- washyness on his part is jeopardizing the relationship between you and him as well as with the children. Also when they see him vacillate back and forth it reinforces their behavior. It would do them good to know ,very firmly, that you are his mate, and he loves you and that that is the priority. You'd be surprised at how they might come to respect this, once they accept it. One other thing, don't get too crazy about the "respect" issue. Of course you should not tolerate blatant dis-respectfulness, but don't take everything that personally that you let it tear you apart. Consider the source, then sit back and think it over in your mind before you get too riled. And don't be a victim! In fact show him this question and the answers!!! Good Luck and God Bless!!

Answer 4

Once the 24 yr old is thrown out. Things may tend to calm down. I'd not allow yourself to be drawn into any conversation with these disrespectful spoiled rotten suppose to be adult children.

My suggestion is just talk your husband, reassure him, that you are trying your best to do the right thing for all involved. Tell him your fears and see what he has to say.

If he truly loves you, he'll stand by you.

I've been through much the same situation. I know of other parents experiencing the same situation, yet they let on that nothing is wrong in their homes.
This has become a common problem today. Adult children disrespecting their parents, mooching off of us as if they think we owe them everything.
You and your husband need to stand your ground and not allow these adult brats to destroy your marriage.

Answer 5

This situation sounds very complex and difficult. However, you are fortunately in that you are seeing it now, before you marry your fiance. Your choice now is to decide whether you can accept this and live with it, because it is not going to change. A pattern that is entrenched in children who are 23, 24, and 18 is not going to resolve itself.

Quite frankly, I wouldn't call a relationship "beautiful" where a man allows a woman to be called "the nastiest names" by his daughter. Also, you must think very long and carefully about whether you want to expose your own young daughters to this complicated mess. I would let the guy and his nasty children go, and focus on raising your own kids in a happy, safe, environment where there is respect and love. Good luck, and God bless!

Answer 6

Wow! That is hard to answer. I am sorry your life is turned upside down. Talk openly to all his children with him present. Tell them the reasons of why you feel the way you do. They are old enough to handle themselves as adults. Their father should talk to them as well. Where is their mom? Are they just angry dad has someone new? Try family counseling. Good luck. I hope everything works out for you and your own children.

Answer 7

are you asking them to leave or is it a mutual decision? It sounds like you want to get rid of them so that you can have all the attention of their father. If the kids see it this way, they feel that you are trying to monopolize his time. I would try to get along with them, they are all adults with their own minds and this is their father after all. It won't be easy, it will take time, but try to speak to each of them individually to ensure that your relationship is separate from their relationship with their father and there is no reason to feel threatened on both parts. Best of luck- you'll need a lot of patience and love to get through this time.

Answer 8

Well, I can relate to you on this one. I have a step son who is now 16yrs old.I have helped raise him since he was 7. She spoiled him horrible and he was always disrespectful of her and me.I wanted to straighten him out years ago but was never allowed to intervene much.Now he is a little s--t head who is always in trouble.Just recently my wife was crying and saying "all I have ever done was love him and try to give him the best and look how I am repaid for it."She asked me to take over and try and straighten him out.I said no way! I told her I tried to tell you this would happen and you woudnt listen.I said he no longer walks on me cause I will not stand for it but I also cant undo what you did in all these years.
I told her, You cant go through life wiping his butt everytime the world teaches him a lesson.You cant just give and never expect respect in return or it will never be given.
You see what your husband has to learn that my wife is finally trying to do is you got to eventually cut the purse strings and let them find out for themselfs what the world is like.Its got no room for spoiled brats that think they know it all.The world is not going to wipe their butts and pick them up when they fall. But it will give them the school of hard knocks which is the best class of all.
If I was you I would make it clear to your husband that you are through putting up with their butts and until they show you both respect are no longer allowed in your home or to talk to you unless its with respect.If he turns on you girl, Your better off without him and his drama demons.Look you can love someone all you want but love dont fix everything.And if thats something he is not willing to learn now,Just hope he does before they get you both into something that cant be undone.
Good luck and stay strong.Persiverence always prevales

Answer 9

you are the mom.....their real "parent" right now.

well they are "adults"...meaning they are over 18, meaning its time to leave the nest, PERIOD.

it doesn't matter if they don't have a job, it doesn't matter if they are in school, it doesn't matter if they have a car payment, nothing matters.......except their butts to the curb.

the college boy should be living on campus, if he can't afford the dorms then shack up with 4 other guys in a house for under $200 a month with all utilities paid. any part time job on campus would produce this paycheck. living on campus one does not need a car so that can be sold if he has one.

the others.....kick them out....23, 24...that is mooching....life is tuff....time for them to get dirty and to become adults like everyone else.

to let them stay at home only makes them more spoiled, harder to control, etc as they don't understand what real life is, what real life takes, what it takes to pay bills, what responsibility is, etc.

KICK THEM OUT....you did you job as a mom...you got them to 18...now its up to them. now its your time and demand that they respect that its your time now.

Answer 10

Your husband needs to put his foot down, under no circumstances are they allowed to talk to you (or him) disrespectfully. If they disagree with something, they need to be able to talk about it calmly without using names, that's just childish. On the other hand, you need to be really honest with yourself about the role you play in their lives. Are you sure you aren't secretly waiting to push them out? Can you honestly say that the reason the two older ones are out is tough love? A man should never have to chose between his kids and wife, but he should expect them to behave well regardless of who they are speaking to. Maybe you need to have a talk with him first, get on the same page, and then have a talk with the five of you. Let the kids air out their frustrations (without name calling) and then the two of you outline REAL reasons for your decisions. Best of Luck to you!