whats the best joke you've ever heard?

Answer 1

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is hot down here!!!!!

Answer 2

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this BS. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

Answer 3

yo momma is so fat when i drove around her I ran out of gas.yo momma is so short she can do push-ups under the door.yo momma is so short she can do back-flips under the bed.yo momma is so bald when she takes a shower she gets brain washed.yo momma teeth are so yellow i cant believe its not butter.yo momma is so bald you can see her mind.y momma is so short she uses a ladder to pick up a dime.yo momma is so tall when she tripped on a rock she hit her head on the moon.yo momma is so fat when she went to the beach everyone yelled "free willy."i hope you like them.the best joke i have ever heard would be yo momma teeth so yellow i cant believe its not butter.

Answer 4

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart ....Nice children you've got there, are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? ..........Do you really think they look alike?" "No", replied the greeter, " I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

Answer 5

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

Answer 6

"four blanda and a brown haird, are hanging unto a air plain thats about to fall off a cliff. but it one girl lets go the others will be able to climb up and live. the brown haird girl makes a big speech about how she's going to let go and fall to save the other blandes, the four blandes start claping!"

Answer 7

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

If it had 4, it would be a chicken sedan.

When is the best time to go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty.

Answer 8

imreallymean you joke is one of my favorite ones of all time...
but heres another one:
WOMEN'S RIGHTS

The following took place at an international conference for women's rights.

The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our
husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

(The crowd cheered).

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing,
but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well.

(The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, a Jamaican lady, stood up and said," After lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.
(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).

She continued........................



"Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing.

Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing,



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>but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye

Answer 9

yesterday was little sarahs bday. her, her mom, and dad were going to dinner. her mom was taking a bath. sarah asked can i take a bath wit u. the mom said no. she said but its my bday. the mom said ok but dont look up or down. she did look up and down and she said what is that and what are those. the mom said headlights and grass. next her dad was takin a shower and she asked if she could get in. same thing the mom said. then he said justdont look down. she did. she said what is that? he said a snake. after dinner the mom and dad were in the bed. sarah was in her room when she heard ahhhs and wows. she walked in and said can i get in they said no. sarah said but its still my bday. they said ok as long as she doesn't look down. she did and said. mom u better turn on yo healights because the snake is in the grass.
(very funnY. friend told my)

Answer 10

Heres one i heard a couple yrs back. Not 4 kids 2 read?
The parents of a boy bout 8 yrs old were always fitin' callin' each other "b*tch" and "bastard", the boy asked his dad what "b*tch" meant, his dad said it means a woman, the boy asked his mom what "bastard" meant, she said it means a man. On Thanksgivin', the boy heard his dad say "sh*t" while shavin', the boy asked him what it meant and his dad replied "shavin' cream". He then walked in2 the kitchen when he heard his mom say "f***", he asked her what it meant and she replied "cook", so that nite at the dinner, the kid said "Good evenin', b*tches and bastards, my dads puttin' sh*t on his face and my moms f***ing the turkey. "