How do I get my husband to understand that his mother especially is very overbearing when it comes to our life

Question

My mother in law is very over bearing, especially now that we have a son. My son will be one next week and my mother in law is obssesed with seeing him. i understand that my son is her first grandchild but, it is not normal the way she acts over him. This past weekend, she came to our house, UNANNOUCED by the way, which is overbearing in and of itself, and got mad because my son was down for a nap. Now she has been around long before he was born and knows he always takes an afternoon nap. ALWAYS, no exceptions. She came into my house unannounced and got mad, asked, when did he go down, as if it was her business, I explained I had just come out of his room, that very moment. She said uh, and turned and went out the front door and back to the truck to leave. Rude! to say the least. I am really having a hard time with this because I have asked my husband to speak with his parents and let them know we need our space, and privacy as a family, but it always turns into an arguement.

Answer 1

if your hubby hasn't cut the umbilical cord himself, you won't be able to do it for him. be happy you put up with that once a week - i had to put up with it numerous times a DAY, from being criticised about the types of diapers i used, the food i cooked, to finding new curtains in the house, until i got a divorce. of course i was the one at fault who appreciated nothing - know what i mean? all i can say is good luck, and next time make sure there are only two adults in your marriage, not three or more.

Answer 2

Here's what I recommend:

1. Try talking to your husband again. I don't know how your conversations begin, but they shouldn't happen after a run-in with the mil. It should be when you're both calm and relaxed. I'd approach it like this:

- "Honey, I want to talk to you about how we should handle your Mom's unannounced visits. I know she means well, and I want her to have a good relationship with our son and with us. We seem to argue when this subject comes up, and that's not what I want. I really want us to come up with a solution, and want to hear your thoughts"

- Then listen to what he has to say; take notes if you have to. When he's done, restate his concerns to make sure you understand what they are. You may have two different perspectives on what's going on.

- If you have common concerns, work with these first. The other items you can't agree on may be minor in comparisson.

- Tell him that you both have to agree on how you're to handle things. Don't attack his mother or be critical of her, just express what you don't want and tie it into how it affects you as a couple (Maybe you've put him down for a nap, and the two of you could have some quality time-- unannounced visits don't allow for that)

- Whatever you decide to do, make sure that you're willing to back each other up, then praise the effort when you hold your ground.

You could also, as a couple, sit down and talk to your mil. Let her know that you want her to visit and to have a good relationship, but you also are trying to develop a routine to keep your household stable. You're trying to allow for both family time, couple time and family time that includes them. Maybe she can babysit once a week or have a specified time she can visit. You want to encourage her participation, but she has to acknowledge that you two are the parents.

If your arguments begin about her and then wind up being about other issues, you might consider seeing a counselor. There may be more issues to discuss, and the mil thing is just a smoke-screen for the rest.

Good luck!

Answer 3

I sense that you have had problems with your mother in law for a good while. The best thing to do is get your husband to get a backbone to stand up to his mother. This is where the problem lies. She needs to get reminded that this is your child, not hers, more than likely shes doing this to get to you, as she probably felt you stole her son away from her, its an emotional thing. Think back did you ever notice her playing guilt trips into your husband about decisions that are made between the two of you? Mother in laws are commonly like this. But you are right about talking to your husband about this because if you did the talking to her, it would make you look like the "bad guy" when all you're saying is "hey, give us space, let me raise my child already!" Point is shes done her child raising, and she should know better, and if she doesn't then its time for your DH to set boundaries, and let her know it's not appropriate for her to be acting this way, and that it's affecting your marriage, your DH probably thinks that if he tells his mom anything that it would hurt her, but in reality, shes a grown woman, I would like to refer you to this site that I find realy helpful www.ihatemyinlaws.com, the people on there are great and would also offer advice to your situation, there are also many others with VERY similar situations that you can read up on to see what they did, and how it worked for them. Good luck

Answer 4

I understand how you feel completely. My daughter is ten months old and the grandparents are always hovering. I used to get upset about popping in and remarks about my mothering skills. But one day when I was ticked off and complaining to my husband he said to me that I am not looking at things from an objective prospective. Firstly, why are they acting this way? The answer is simply that they are CRAZY in love with the baby and for their own personal reasons they want to see every stage of her life. With my parents and especially my father, he is really involved because he suffered from a heart blockage and had to have a triple bypass a year ago and almost didn't live through it. He was also the kind of father that worked a lot and as a result missed a lot of time with me when I was a child because he had to support our family. So I have learned to be more layed back about things and to ignore things that bug me. Just try to remind yourself that now you are going through the exact same things that your parents went through and it usually repeats itself. Allow them to help out and take the time to do things for yourself sometimes. Your mother in law was not trying to hurt you. She was just really excited about seeing the baby and didn't realize what she was doing. Over look it and forgive her.

Answer 5

First your husband is caught in the middle and second I feel for you. My mother-in-law is also a pain. My husband had a heart attack 5 months ago and has been having bad chest pains so I got him an appointment with the doctor for this morning, wrong mommy had other plans for him so the appointment was cancelled I said I would get one for tomorrow and she informed me that no he couldn't then either so apparantly she would rather him drop dead of a heart attack. All you can do is grin and bear it because she isn't going to change. Make sure to always lock your door even during the day so she has to knock. Avoid her I do mine and tell her simply that yes she is your husbands mother but it is your house and your rules you respect hers at her house and expect the same at yours. Good luck.

Answer 6

well if she come to visit once a week it ok, don;t be to rude about it