If you marry someone who already has a child should the child or you come first?

Question

If you are marrying someone who already has a child for sake of example a girl and he says that his daughter will always come first is that the way its supposed to be? Should you accept that as just a consequence of being a step-parent? Or should that be a warning sign that maybe hes not ready to marry?

Wow this is a hotbed question. I was saying hypotheticaly. I am a step-child my father re-married after my mother died when I was 3. I was asking because a few weeks I was watching a news clip and the reasoning that the doctor used was that since the children leave the nest the spouses should always put one another first. I wanted to see if anyone agreed with this thinking

And lets add something new to the question. Lets say that the potential mates knew each other before the child came in the picture and the child is a product of his infidelity. Does that change anything? Many of you used the argument that the child came first chron. so he should come first.

Answer 1

The child comes first, just as if it was your own child

Answer 2

Well, I look at it this way: I feel that my parents brought me into the world pretty well, but I don't feel I came first, there was always talk about the jobs and how bad the day had went and this and that, this guy did this, alot of negativity!!! I wasn't asked about my schooling or how I felt about myself in general. I was sort of invisible. So, I feel that sometimes a family, especially an already made family, needs more work than just the child or children. There is an enormous work that has to be done on both parts for each other, and the children, not to leave them out. I am not saying they are not important, just that I don't believe they are the most important part of a new relation. Maybe there is research that has been done on this, as with all of the mixed families nowadays..Just to add that quite a few answers on here are gravitating towards a couple having children together, not your question about an already made family and trying to get together in the first place to make it work..There is a fine line to this subject...

Answer 3

I am a step parent and I know what you feel like! I must say put the shoe on the other foot. If you had a child before him and he was marrying into an "already made family", what would you tell him? Keep this in mind, his child will ALWAYS be his child, and if he is devoted to her, this is good, it show you how he will be if you both have a child together. Be careful though with the new child, because his child was 1st born and may resent or love the new child. I'm dealing with this right now. But when he marries you that just made you #1. he is to honor, obey, cherish and love you. He will always love his child, but you are now his wife, that is two differant kinds of love. The love you have for your spouse and your child is very differant from each other! So to answer your question, No he is not to love his child 1st. This is not a race, it is a commitment. And if he has told you that he will not ever love you more then his child he is right, but he will also not love his child more then you. Two differant kinds of love. If you love him you can make it work. Little tip... go with you gut feeling! AND don't question it!

Answer 4

I think the child should always come first. That is his first responsibility. The child was there before the step parent. Not to mention, his flesh and blood. If the step parent really loved the man then she would understand this and be accepting of it, instead of being jealous of the relationship the child and father have. It should show her what kind of person he really is. I would be worried to marry a man who didn't want to take responsibility of his kids. That says alot about a person and their integrity. It would be the same thing reversed....if it were the man marrying a woman with a kid/kids.

Answer 5

Neither should come first. You should be a family unit & the family unit should come first.

Now IF both parents were alive & the kid lived with one parent or the other.........then I would say that the kid should come first
because the step parent needs to realize that there was already a "family unit" before they came into the picture.

In your case......your mom died & I am sorry for that.
Your step-mom came into the picture not knowing how to handle this..........should she try and be your mom or should she just try to be your friend. Hopefully, she realizes that she will NEVER REPLACE your mom, but that she can still be a mother figure to you.
Obviously, something has happened in your house to make you feel like you aren't coming first. You need to talk to your dad.

Answer 6

Think about it like this. That child is a part of him, his flesh and blood that he's nurtured and loved from before it was born. He can look at that child and see different parts of himself. He can take pride in that child's accomplishments because he has been the one to guide and teach to bring those about. Now I ask you to put yourself in that child's position, and picture that your daddy was about to marry someone who wanted to come first. Would you be jumping for joy or would you feel abandoned and unwanted if he suddenly stopped caring about your needs all because of a woman. You are supposed to be a grown woman. You dont need a man to hold your hand and guide you thru life. A child does. If you need that, then my dear, you need to grow up yourself. Children always come first. Relationships come and go every single day, but your child is your child forever.

Answer 7

If you were that child exactly how would you expect to be treated? You are now officially the parent which involves you putting the child's needs before your own. By you allowing the child's need to come first you will demonstrate your ability to be an effective parent, and it might make you and your boyfriend closer. Yet take all of this into consideration before you begin the marriage journey.

Answer 8

~Since he is divorced and has a child, she should definitely come first! Mine does. The child has been through a lot already with their parents splitting up. She probably feels insecure and possibly unloved and unimportant.
I used to think any children I had should come first in any relationship, but that isn't true. Your spouse is supposed to be there with you till death. The children will grow up and have lives of their own. I wish my ex and I made our marriage a priority. In a lot of ways children do come first, especially in a broken family.
A word of advice, if you aren't ready to come in second, don't marry him because you will lose.~

Answer 9

The way it is suppose to work...
You are single and selfish... You take everything you can from your parents...
Eventually, they kick you out.

You live on your own a while, and you can be as self absorbed as you want.

You meet someone that you feel you can't live without, and you become a couple. You have to give up your selfish ways for the health of the relationship... You bathe in each others light....

The kid comes along... Now you make sacrifices for the kid.... This continues until they are old enough you can kick them out of the house.

If you marry someone that has a kid.... Then their kid becomes your kid.. You still have to keep them alive long enough to kick them out of the house, and if you are smart, then you make sure they have the skills to take care of themself so they don't move back in.

The needs of the child always comes first. It is called parenting.

Answer 10

Children should always come first. A child depends on the parent to make their decisions and ensure they are safe and have a good life until they are able to control this for themselves. I have always said that I love and am in love with my partner( been together 5 years) we have a 2year old and I am 32weeks pregnant, My girls will always come first and he wouldn't expect it to be any different. The moment you give birth and hold your child you truly know and understand what love is, and although I love my partner the feelings for my children are still love but it strangely is a different love.

Answer 11

Naturally the child should come first. Just like if you were married and both you and your partner had a child together, that child would come first. Step-children are no exception. Children always come first.