I love a good joke make me laugh and win?

Question

I love jokes...but preferably fairly clean please. Funniest joke (or story or funny sign) gets 10 points. :D

Great jokes everyone! Very funny!!!

Answer 1

A man was driving down a country lane and all of a sudden, the Easter bunny hops out in front of him and he hits and kills him. He pulls over and cries until a blonde comes along. "what's wrong" she asked. He told her what happened and surprisingly, the blonde smiled and said wait here. She goes back to her car and comes back with a can. she sprays it on the dead rabbit and he comes back to life and waves. he starts hopping away and waves again. He keeps waving untill he is out of site and he says what did you spray? she showed him the can and read the label
"restores dead hair. adds permenant wave."

Answer 2

This 70 old man proposed to a young 29 year old lady, and before she accepted she made a request of him. She asked for him to have his sperm count checked because she wanted to have kids.

The man went to the clinic where he was given a bottle and directed in a little room…….. After some time went by the nurse called the doctor and told him that she was worried about the man in room 3, that he had been in there for a very long time. The doctor knocked on the door then entered the room and found the old man sweated and fatigued the doctor asked are you ok? And the old man said; I tried everything, for the first 15 min I tried with my right hand, then with my left hand, then I banged it on the radiator I just can’t get the damn cover off of this bottle.

Answer 3

A famous baseball player is up to bat in the bottom of the last inning in the World Series and hits a foul-ball straight into the crowd hitting a guy in the first row in the best and most-expensive seat in the stadium killing the guy! After removing the body,the game,being the World Series,continues on. He hits a 2nd ball straight into the crowd and BAM straight into the same seat killing another guy! Once again,being the World Series,the game continues. A third pitch and the guy nails it even faster and harder killing yet another guy in the exact same seat! After removing this third body,the manager comes out to talk to the player and says "Don't worry about them. I guess there's nothing we can do to stop innocent people from getting killed by foul balls." The player looks at the manager angrily and says "Yes there is. Tell the fans to stop moving into that seat so I can kill that bastard in the second row that's been sleeping with my wife!"

Answer 4

A woman was trying to board a bus, but her skirt was too tight and she couldn't step up. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper a bit and tried again. The skirt was still too tight. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper some more. She still couldn't get on the bus and lowered the zipper a third time.

All of the sudden, she felt two hands on her butt, which proceeded to push her up onto the bus.

She spun around, with anger in her eyes, and said very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner!"

The man smiled coyly and said, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either

Answer 5

Guy goes to a clinic to get a sperm count test. As he's led down the corridor they pass a room with a beautiful blond helping a man give his sample. The next room has a beautiful redhead helping another guy give his sample. The third room has a man holding a playboy magazine and trying to produce his sample. The guy says, "Why do the guys in rooms 1 & 2 get beautiful women to help them, but the guy in room 3 just gets a magazine?" The clinic attendant says, "Room 3 has Kaiser."

Answer 6

This guy goes into a bar after a promotion to celebrate with his buddies. After a few drinks he notices, behind the bar, a big jar stuffed with $50 bills, so he asks the bartender about it.

The bartender replies, "Oh that's just a running bet we have here. You gotta pay $50 into the pot and if you complete 3 tasks, you win the whole jar. As you can see, no one has ever won."

After a few more beers and 2 shots of Tequila, the man announces in a slightly tipsy voice, "Screw it, I just got a raise. I can afford to lose $50!" and he slams a $50 on the bar. "OK. What do I gotta do?"

"Well," says the bartender "like I said, there are 3 tasks. First you gotta finish a whole bottle of our homemade 200 proof Fire Water, after that you gotta help my pit bull tied up out back. He's got a sore tooth and you have to go pull it out for him. If you survive THAT, you have to go upstairs and pursuade the landlady upstairs to have sex with you. She's a virgin and she's 106 years old. Raping her is obviously out of the question."

"Fair enough" said the half-drunk man. The alcohol coursing through his veins had emboldened him. "Gimme that Fire Water!" And lo and behold, he managed, to everyone's shock to finish the whole bottle without pause.

Barely able to keep the contents of his stomach down, he was turned and nudged, by the astonished bartender in the direction of the back door, where the dog was tied up outside. The man stumbled drunkenly through the door and bravely slammed it closed behind him. A fierce barking, accompanied by breaking glass, garbage cans smashing, yelling and groaning erupted outside. After a minute or so of this racket, a loud dog yelp, followed by it's whining was heard.

Shortly afterwards, the man stumbled back through the door, his clothes torn, blood dripping from multiple bite wounds and looking like he'd been hit by a truck.

Then demanded in a drunken slurred voice, "OK. NOW WHERE'S THAT OLD LADY WITH THE SORE TOOTH?!!"

Answer 7

ok here goes nothing
1. there was this zebra and he wanted to know if he was black with white stripes, or white with black stripes so he decides to ask god. He goes to god and he says,"God, am i black with white stripes or white with black stripes" God replies,"you are what you are so thats what you are" the zebra says"yea i know that, but am i black with white stripes or white with black stripes" God replies" you are what you are so thats what you are."
the zebra then leaves and goes to a bar, the bartender asks him whats wrong, and the zebra says"i want to know if i am black with white stripes or white with black stripes" the bartender says,"well why don't you ask god?" the zebras says"I did"
bartender: well what did he say?
zebra: he said you are what you are so thats what you are
bartender: o, your white with black stripes
zebra: how do you know
bartender: cuz if u were black with white stripes he would've said you is what you is so that's what you is.

LOL

2.there was three guys: an italian, a white guy, and a mexican. they had been stranded for almost a week. as they were walking they came across a store, they all ran and started eating. all of sudden the owner of the store comes out with a rifle and they all get scared. the italian guy explains to the owner how they were stranded and hadn't eaten in days. the owner sympathizes and says ok i wont kill you if you can stick 100 of one type of fruit of your butt. so the italian guy goes first, he was on his 96th grape when he busts out laughing and all the grapes fall out. the owner shoots him. next is the white guy, he was on the 98th cherry when he busts out laughing and they all fall out. while in heaven an angel asks the guys" why did you guys laugh you could've made it?" both of them replied,"because we saw the mexican guy with water melons!"

well hope i made you laugh

Answer 8

I really want the 10 points so here goes nothing:
1.A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
2.Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.

Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...

"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"

3.An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:

Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said. . .
"Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!"
4. A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
( now i cant get fired)
5. How to beat a speeding ticket?
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!
6. i think that this is the best
WOMEN'S RIGHTS

The following took place at an international conference for women's rights.

The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our
husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

(The crowd cheered).

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing,
but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well.

(The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, a Jamaican lady, stood up and said," After lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.
(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).

She continued...........................



"Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing.

Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing,



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>but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye

Answer 9

there were 3 guys name poop, shut up, and,manners.poop falls down and manners helps him up. DING DONG! went the door bell.There was a nice sweet lady "whats your name?"said the lady."shut up!""wheres your manners?""over there picking up poop"
hahahaahahh that always makes me laugh

Answer 10

why do hummingbirds hum?






caue they don't know the words!!! :D