My son is giving me so much grief. He is 18 years old - and only has 8 high school credits (out of 40) been in trouble with the law (drinking / smoking pot) - acts like a wanna be gangster - steals from me (right out of my wallet) if I forget to hide money at night. Now the question, he moved with a friend and his mom on Friday (Dec 29) about 2 hrs away from me - already he wants to come home. I have to say that the peace and quiet in my house is wonderful - but I do miss him. I'm a single mom - his dad and I divorced when he was 3 - I have two other children (a daugher 18 - (a twin to my son)) and a 14 year old son. The other two children are wonderful - my daughter just got a full ride scholarship to Indiana U. Should I let him come home? I think I need rules - but me being at work it's hard to enforce. I want him to have a job, finish school, - stop smoking (pot & cigs) - stop stealing. Any advice? My other kids do not want him home - because he causes so much stress ...
2007-01-02 03:16:10 · 13 answers · asked by emmmay61 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I am also a Long Term Single Mom (Of two children) ... and here is my take on this (Because I've had to deal with an irresponsible teenager that is ADULT age at the time).
This son has NOT learned his lesson ... and just wants to come back and re-victimize you AND his siblings once again ... and when he has taken all he can, done as much harm as he can ... then he will leave and keep returning to torment you forever.
YOU have already pointed out that BOTH of your other children AND YOU, yourself, find the home so much more stress-free and PLEASANT with him OUT of the home ...
AND ... most importantly -- he MADE the ADULT CHOICE to LEAVE the Home .. and now ... he MUST FACE the ADULT CONSEQUENCES of his actions.
DO NOT let him back in the home at this time ... yes, it is VERY HARD to do .. but a PARENT needs to have TOUGH LOVE at times too -- and the ONLY way this irresponsible one is going to grow up and BE responsible is if he is HELD RESPONSIBLE for his actions.
TELL him you will be there to listen to him at times ... but in no way do you EVER need to let him BACK into your home (and I HOPE you have changed the LOCKS on your home too by now .. just to make sure that you and your other children are SAFE in your own HOME) ...
YOU have done your best for this child. HE made the poor decisions (to not take his education seriously, to be into illegal substances and crime) and eventually .. he WILL Be caught, jailed, and have to deal with the consequence of a CRIMINAL Record that can NEVER be erased. HE MUST LEARN THIS LESSON on his OWN ...
2007-01-02 04:27:45 · answer #1 · answered by sglmom 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like your son has made some poor decisions. As someone said earlier Tough Love. I can imagine how difficult this is for you but you must also realize that you have 2 other children at home and one is a 14 year old son. Do you want him to believe that this is the right way to live?
I am a mother of a 24 year old and when he was 18 he got married before he finished school. I let them stay with me until he finished school. After that they were on their own. That is all I could do for them. They wanted to become adults so I had to let them go and make their own mistakes. It is not easy but I can't control what they choose to do. All I can do is pray they get through it.
Good Luck
2007-01-02 03:48:51 · answer #2 · answered by kellyfl59 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Dear Mom,
I to have many kids. You seem to have one that rages against any authority or conformity to education and basic rules of society. If I had you problem, I would not allow the young man home. You have other children who are at key ages to learn his behaviors and disrespect of others and self. No one said to love a child you have to bend to their every will. If he is in a safe place, leave him there and give you and your other kids some peace for a while. Let the son who is not conforming learn a lesson of what it is like to be out in the world without mom there to cloth, feed and pay his way. IF you do not teach this to him now, I have seen it a million times, He will be that 30 year old who still lives with mama and he will never venture to beleive that he can do and be more then he is right now. Force that boy to see his world and then maybe he will respect yours a little more?
Good luck
2007-01-02 03:23:38 · answer #3 · answered by Tracylyn S 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
That's a really bad position to be in. I feel for you and your family. Your son needs help, help with getting himself on the right track. The reality is that if something isn't done now he will forever be your problem...like when he's 30, 40 and so on. I've seen it in my husband's family with his uncle. Even though his grandmother is in an elderly assisted living home the uncle still goes up there and gets money from her, tries to sneek and sleep in her room and eats all her food. That sounds awful, but it is reality!
Your other children deserve to live in peace and have a calm environment to call home. Your son doesn't have the right to make life hellish for everyone else in the home but he also needs you to step up and change his current course in life. He isn't at the age where you just wipe your hands clean and turn your back on him.
So, I would suggest getting on the phone and calling some place like MHMRA (Mental Health and Mental Retardation Assoc.) and asking them for some help or to point you in the right direction. MHMRA offers free or sliding scales services in counseling and such. Call your local United Way, Salvation Army, or County District Hospital, or even the school counselor should have a list of resources. You need a starting point to get him some help. He may be totally closed to the idea, but you can make it a condition of him living in your home. And if he refuses, you should still look into talking with a professional who can educate you and your family on how to deal with him.
I wish you the best of luck and hope all works out for you and him.
2007-01-02 04:14:31 · answer #4 · answered by Jennifer M 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i may only be 14 but i have a brother who just turned 18 and is doing the exact same thing he causes me a lot of stress he moved out and wants to come back and its hurting my mother because its easier and little more stress free with out him around i tell her he cant come back because he is an adult now he has to learn it he wants to come back he has to change for good.my brother dropped out of school he just forged he didn't have enough credits so he quit but he has a job i doubt he will keep it for long he trays to act like a wanna be gangster but you need some time away for your son for a while he may realize its not as easy as he thought it is to live away from home, and change. you just need to give him his space and he needs to give you your space.just in enjoy your peace and quite.then sit him down and have a talk with him telling him he needs a job/finish school/stop smoking/stealing all that stuff and maybe you might change your mind.
2007-01-02 03:33:51 · answer #5 · answered by Baby Girl 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He's a man now. Don't let him come home. If he's going to be a punk, then he should do it on his own. I understand you care for him. But, he knows the difference between right and wrong. He's 18. Let him get a good taste of how the world out there is. 4 days is all he could handle??? He's not as tough as he thought I guess. Let him be a man outside your home. Don't let him come back.
Tough Love sucks, but it works.
2007-01-02 03:26:57 · answer #6 · answered by Gasman 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't let him return. He hasn't learned a lesson yet and he needs too. You really should consider your other childrens feelings first at this point. They do not want him there so don't let him come back. He just wants to come home because he is used to stealing from you and doing what he wants. Now he'll have to find a job and get real.
2007-01-02 03:31:35 · answer #7 · answered by goldensparkler61 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
if you let him come home nothing will change. he has to earn the right to come home. when he gets a job and/or is back in school, drug free and not causing anymore trouble maybe then he can come home, but the very second that he does anything wrong, out he goes. you have to learn to be strict and to stick to your guns. of course no mother wants to put her son out, but when his behavior is hurting you and himself, drastic measures are needed for him to see and understand that every action has a consequence.
do you really miss him stealing money, smoking weed, getting into trouble with the police? be tough. either he straigthens up or never comes home.
2007-01-02 04:00:39 · answer #8 · answered by Lin B 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well theres all kinds of ways to take care of it, if you want him home then tell him he has to hold a full time job working the same hrs you do (which gets him out of the house while your not there) and go and get a home drug test kit start testing him, the first time hes dirty hes gone, sometimes you have to show kids tough love. get you a lock box or a tamper proof safe , keep all of your belongs in that, or you can get some security cameras and catch him red handed and file charges on him,kick him out and never let him move back again
2007-01-02 03:38:33 · answer #9 · answered by sissy 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have already answered your question. The other kids don't want him home. You have enjoyed the peace. You can't handle the stress and shouldn't have too. He acts like a child but is an adult. He needs to know you love him but he also needs to be told he is not welcome in YOUR home until he has proven to be responsible and trustworthy. If you allow his behavior to suck you in, he will suffer but more importantly you and you other kids will.
2007-01-02 03:25:11 · answer #10 · answered by melzma 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋