We just found out he has a 5 Month old son, should I stay?

Question

I have been in my current relationship for a year, we live together and up until this weekend we have a great relationship. Friday we recieved the DNA results from a paternity test. A month ago, an ex of his called and said he was the father of her son. She is currently pregnant with twins, and has a five year old daughter. For thier hook-up it was a one week fling. How do I know I can handle the situation and all the drama that will come with it? How do I make sure I stay involved, if I choose to be, and not feel like an outsider to the situation?

To claify, we were not together when the baby was concieved, we met about a month later. And we found out last month. He had no prior knowledge that she was ever pregnant. Thank you all though, you're very helpful.

Answer 1

Okay, I had to step in and answer this question since everyone on here seems to be saying "No big deal" and "relax"... well I can honestly say if I was in your shoes I would be devastated... I do feel for your bf since he didn't know about it and it is probably a shock to him as well, but your feelings are no less important. Personally I don't know if I could handle that. It would be too much for me... I think this is a very very personal issue between you and your bf and in the end, it is your happiness that matters. If you find the situation is making you miserable, it is probably best to leave the relationship. Yet sometimes people do get closer through events like this - it is only something that time will reveal. In the meantime, go with your heart, whether that is staying or leaving. Don't feel like you have to be "the strong woman" if you feel you just can't - that's okay - life is too short to be unhappy.

Answer 2

You have to decide how much this relationship means to you. Your boyfriend did not cheat on you, did not have any idea, this is news to the both of you. I don't think leaving him is fair. This is something that happened before you met each other and sadly, he didn't even get to know he was going to be a father. I will tell you as the wife of someone who had a child previous to our marriage, there are a number of things that come up. It's not anyones fault though. A child was brought into the world and your boyfriend must now take care of him. You guys are lucky the baby is only 5 months. Plenty of time to get to know him. If you feel there will be drama, let your boyfriend pick up his child for visits alone. Let him deal with the childs mother on his own. You can be involved in the visits, play with the baby, help out the new daddy ect. It's not all bad, and i wouldn't call it quits, but its not my decision. Hopefully you love him enough to support him, when he needs you the most now. Good luck to you.

Answer 3

There isn't always drama involved with these type of situations unless one of the parents is immature. I have a daughter that is 17 years old. My husband and I met when she was 10 months old. I explained to him that although my daughter's father and I are no longer together,that we agreed to be friends for our daughter's sake and my daughter's father did the same when he met his wife when our daughter was 13 months old. Everyone involved accepted this and everything has worked out fine. My daughter is a junior in high school, on honor role and is looking into Colleges. I believe that it has a lot to do with the fact that although her father and I weren't together we all pitched in to give her a stable and loving environment. If you love your boyfriend then stand by him. He didn't cheat on you, the relationship was before the two of you became involved. The only way you will feel like an outsider is if your boyfriend doesn't involve you in the child's life and if he loves you he will.

Answer 4

Stay out of the situation all together you were not there when the baby was conceived. Let your ex deal with his ex when it comes to setting up visitation, child support etc. This is between him and his ex, not you. Trust me the best you can is not get involved, support your boyfriend and his discussions, offer advice when asked but other than that stay away from it. My boyfriend has a 5 year old son with a women who is a rotton mother, she sends him to day care sick, keeps him in day care 6 days out of the week from 7am to 6pm, this kid has no discipline and when they argue or talk about his son I just sit back and listen, let him vent and offer him advice when needed. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and I have never met his ex which is the way I like it because If I did meet her I am afraid I will open my mouth and tell her what I feel about the way she is raising her son, and that will cause problems between me and my boyfriend. Trust me let your boyfreind and his ex handle this situation.

Answer 5

When I met my husband he had a 9 month old baby boy and was going through a divorce. I love being a mom figure to him. I've been with him for almost 3 1/2 years, If you truly love this man than loving his son is gonna come easy. You dont have to like the biological mother, I handle my husbands ex-wife because I love my husband and our son. I've been a big part of their lives ever since he was nine months old. Thats my advice youll know how you can handle it by the amount of love you have this man. As far as staying involved, do things with the child. Play with him teach him things, and be there for him. I dont consider myself a step-mom I consider myself more like his second mom, I've been momma when hes with us. Thats how you stay involved. Call and check on him when she has him. Show everyone around you that you really care about him and his son. Good luck if you ever need to talk I have messenger same as screen name.

Answer 6

First, does it really matter that he has a son? Over 50% of singles nowadays come with some form of offspring responsiblity. Second, if it was a one week fling, does he want to be involved in the child's life? He will always have the financial responsiblity, but he may not care to be part of the boy's development. If that is the case, you can see it simply as another monthly bill you have to pay.

Answer 7

well you need to think that is probley a shock to him as well, and you can't up in leave over something that happened over a year ago and before you were in the picture, if you love this man you will stand by him, cause I am sure he is dealing with some emotions of his own. You can't deal with it any better than he, you need to deal with this together, and got through the ups and downs together. You are with him so you are naturally going to be in the childs life, You have to keep your self involved and let him know you are in this situation together and he doesn't have to face it alone. Good luck to you and I hope I helped you in a little way.

Answer 8

well, when my step-mother met my dad she didn't knwo he had five children! needless to say when he told she she was surprised and decided to stay. a year or two later my mother passed away and now 11 years later i am truly glad to have someone like ehr in my life. she was 18 or 19 years old and took on the resposibility of us and i thank her so much for thta everyday. I am now 22 weeks pregnant and i hope to have her in the delivery room to watch her grandchild being born. good luck to whatever you decide but i'm sure both of you can make the best of you situation

Answer 9

I see no reason you should leave. He has a son, not a big deal. it really should not change your relationship. If you do stay, some pointers from a single mom, that deals with my ex's new wife. Try to keep a civil relationship with the childs mom, there is no reason to treat her like the enemy. Help your guy out, and be a part of him spending time with his new son.

Answer 10

The child was conceived before he became involved with you. You shouldn't let it spoil a great relationship. Take each day as it comes, and try and support your boyfriend in whatever he decides remember this is probably even more traumatic for him than it is for you, he didn't choose for it to happen.