My dad left my life when I was 5 never been a part of it since then. Well I got married a few years ago and he started calling every couple of months, and my grandma passed away early of 06 and since then he calls just about every day, I havent seen him since she passed away, and then as you can imagine wasnt normal circumstances... so anyhow, he is coming up ( from out of state) to see my husband and I for the weekend next month.. the weekend of his BDay... I am not sure what to do really... I have only seen this man a hand full of times since I was 5 and now all of a sudden he wants to " be there" I dont know what to do when he comes up..... Help me!! Any ideas! Sit around the house talking, or go out so there is less pressure to carry on conversations and enjoy the atmosphere... I dont have a clue!
And..... I am also a little scared that I will end up with a broken heart... as I have for many many years of lies from him....
Confused and 26 years old
2007-01-02 00:33:22 · 19 answers · asked by KTINA 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
He would call every once in awhile ( once or twice a year) ask how I was doing tell me he was coming to see me and not show.... tell me a birthday card was in the mail or a christmas present in the mail, and nothing ( my grandma would sign his name to cards for me)
He came to my graduation party ( because he was up to see my grandma and she made him come) and he gave me ROCKS... I mean drive way looking rocks for a graduation present... he would come see her (1 hour from my house) and never come to see me or even call to say he was there.. thats my dad.. a winner... and now he seems he wants to be part of my life... but I am scared that I will keep getting my heart broke.. but do I let him in as a "friend" and hope he treats me better as an adult than he did as a kid?
2007-01-02 01:30:44 · update #1
I think I could have written that question myself!! A VERY similar situation has presented itself to me with my long-absent father. I am 23 and had no relationship and very little communication with my father since my parents' divorce when I was 5. He reappeared in my life last year (at my wedding) and now calls and comes to visit often from out of state.
It was weird at first. What DO you talk about with a man you barely know?
As "textbook" as this sounds, I have found that just being myself has worked out well. It hasn't been as nerve-wracking as I had anticipated. We chat about everyday things and are trying to get to know each other. We basically just met!
I had a lot of pent-up anger and frustration about his absence from my life. He was open to talking about it with me so that has made it easier.
If you have unresolved emotional issues about him you should try to deal with them so they don't stand in the way of a future relationship with him (if that is what you want). I try to tell myself that the past is the past. He is making an effort to make a future with me so I shouldn't dwell on things I can't change about the past which endangers any future we could have.
I like to think that although I grew up without a father, he can be there now for my future children. I take my relationship with him one day at a time.
I too worry about ending up with a broken heart again, but nothing worth having in life is ever easy. I have lived with disappointment my whole life and I'm ready for a change, but if it is not meant to be, it won't be. I am not keeping my hopes up too high. If I expect the worst and get something better I'm happy.
Good Luck to you!
2007-01-02 00:43:51 · answer #1 · answered by Emily B 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Call him and tell him the truth, you and your husband are both too busy to have him visit now. Later, when you have sorted out your feelings and thoughts and write him a letter and tell him that you don't want to communicate with him any more. Mine tried the same thing. I want to be there after abandoning you when you were a child = I need money now that Grandma is dead and I can't hit her up for money anymore. He broke your heart for close to twenty years, don't let him do it again. Leopards don't change their spots. You will get some sappy resoponses from people who never gone through this about how wonderful it is. They don't realize that a Dad can be and always will be a right mean bastard. I think by asking the question you want the creep to go away, so tell him to go away or if it is too hard on you emotionally, ask your husband to do it for you or your mother if she is still alive. Both will be happy to do this for you to protect you from being hurt again.
See what I mean, you got idiotic responses from idiots who don't know the Devil always comes to you as an Angel of light.
I read your extra material and I can't help but reiterate my earlier advice. Take it from somebody who made the mistake of letting a jerk (I refuse to use the word father) into your life. He means you no good, he will hurt you again and will at the same time open old wounds. Just because he wants to be part your life doesn't mean you have to let him. You are the one who will pay the price, not the born again Christains who say it's Gods will.
2007-01-02 00:47:28 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Being a dick is not illegal. And while he might be being horribly obnoxious, you getting violent is not helping things. Being violent IS illegal. Yo complain about his breaking stuff? You break stuff too: a TV and a glass door. You throw things. You kicked a whole in the wall. You attacked your step dad by your own admission. That's called assault. You complain he tackled you, even though you admit you were physically out of control. He is wrong that you don't have any rights. However, I'm not at all sure whatever it was you were talking about is a "right." You are legally under his supervision unless he is criminally abusive or neglectful, in which case you could get the law involved. You complain "they start the problem." Are you sure? You're a teen, and you're angry. Teens tend to blame everything on their parents. Are they, perhaps, being strict with you because you are out of control? Breaking TVs and kicking holes in walls is NOT normal teenage behavior. You want to blame your behavior on them. Maybe they're trying to bring discipline back to an increasingly violent child. I'm not meaning to put all the blame back on you, but I do suggest you take a very hard look at your own part in all of this, rather than simply painting yourself the victim.
2016-05-23 05:58:45 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sweetie I understand that you have been hurt by this man on numerous occasions in ways no parent should ever hurt a child. This is a new year and a time to try and make things better. I know you will not be able to forget but you can try and forgive. I am sure your father is expecting that you will have quesdtions.
Why not go out to dinner to break the ice and then let him come over so you three can spend some quality time and have a chance to talk about things. You can even ask him: For so many years you have been stepping in and out of my life how am I to believe this isn't just one of those times again?
Good luck! I hope everything works out for you.
2007-01-02 00:38:19 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
I have been in your shoes, my father wasn't a very active part of my life (despite him live in the same city as I). WHen I was 16, he came to visit me and I was a little nervous but I sat down with him and listened to what he had to say. At first he tried to tell me a bunch of lies but after he found out that I knew the truth, he stopped making excuses and we promised to try to build a relationship. Unfortunately, do to his drug problem, we haven't been in contact for over 8 years, but that is fine with me because I was raised by my step father who is a wonderful father and grandfather to my children. What I am trying to say is, give your dad a chance, be open minded and don't rush to judgement. Everyone has made a mistake in theiir lives, maybe you will find that he is really trying to change his ways, but if not at least you know that you tried. Good Luck and I wish your family the best. By the way, my husband was in the same type of situation and although it took my father in law 35 years, he finally acknowledged my husband and the two of them had a wonderful relationship up until he died. My husband was grateful for the time that they did have together and was able to attend his funeral with fond memories of his dad.
2007-01-02 00:43:42 · answer #5 · answered by juicie813 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Get the hard stuff out of the way first. Introduce your husband and then let you father know how you feel. The truth hurts, but in the end it's always for the better. Good luck and God bless.
2007-01-02 01:09:07 · answer #6 · answered by DANNY 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I would let him come and you all go out to dinner. This takes the pressure off everybody and you can't get into real serious conversations. If that goes well I would let him lead from there because he has something on his mind to reappear after all this time. Give him a chance to make it right; you won't regret it. Good Luck!
2007-01-02 00:53:26 · answer #7 · answered by toyloy27 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
If you don't want him there tell him, its OK to do that.Tell him look where were you when I needed a Dad in my life? I'm sorry but that's how I feel ! You do not have to let him stay in your home when he's in town, you don't owe him anything. Now if you want to start a relationship with your Dad OK, do it slow and tell him while your in town I would like to take you to dinner for your birthday, where will you be staying.
2007-01-02 02:04:27 · answer #8 · answered by Granny 1 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
it may be a good time to reacquaint yourself with your dad , he may harbor regrets about not being in your life and wants to start a new solid relationship with you ........you might want to gather photos and show him what you were like as a child also you may find out his reason for leaving you when you were five circumstances may not be good news but at least you'll have some idea why he left what lies did he tell you if you have had not contact since you were five that's a confusing statement . its up to you how this turns out you decision if you want him back in your life or not
2007-01-02 00:41:47 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
It sounds like he could be lonely now your grandma isn't around. Let him come for the weekend. Try make an effort and take him out for dinner. If it doesnt work out you can always ask him to leave.
2007-01-02 00:50:54 · answer #10 · answered by butterfly 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋