anyone know any good jokes?

Question

tell me the funniest joke you know, i dont care who it offendes, i wont report you, just lay it on me.

Answer 1

There was a man drowning in a canal and a boat came by and someone asked him if he needed rescuing and the man said, "No, God will save me." Then another boat came by and someone asked him if he needed rescuing and again he said, "No, God will save me." Then the man drowned and when he went to heaven he asked, "God, why didn't you save me?" and God said, "I sent you two boats you big dummy!"

Answer 2

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"

The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."

To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"

Answer 3

My 13 year old son told me this joke and I thought it was really funny.
Some gradeschool kids came back to school from Christmas vacation and were all bragging about what gifts they had gotten. Several of the kids had gotten cel phones for Christmas and were braggin about what "skin" their cel had. One boy said "I have a spiderman skin" another said, "so, I have a superman skin" another kid said, "I have an Incredibles skin" Then a kid said, "That's nothing, I have a fantastic four skin" (foreskin)

I don't know if it's as funny if you read it, you have to hear the joke outloud.

Answer 4

the teacher asked does anyone know any multiple syllabic words? johnny put his hand up and said yes, mas-tur-ba-tion. the teacher said correct what a mouth full. johnny said no your thinking of a blow/job.


2 gay guys were having sex and one guy had to lave to go down to the shop for a bit so he said while I'm gone don't have a wa-nk. so when the guy comes back there is semen all over the floor and he says HEY I TOLD YOU NOT TO HAVE A WA-NK! he said i didn't i just farted.

Answer 5

i got three:
1. There were four people. Their names were Shut-Up, Manner 1, Manner 2, and Trouble. One day, Trouble go lost. Shut-Up told Manner 1 & 2 to wait outside while he call the police. "What's your name?" the police asked. "Shut-Up," Shut-Up said. "Where are your manners?" the police scolded. "Outside," Shut-up said. "Are you looking for trouble?" the police asked. "Yes," Shut-Up answered.
2. There was once a stupid boy who had his first time in school. His teacher asked, "What's your name?" "I don't know," the boy said, "So I'll ask my family." The boy went home to ask his family. He asked his twin brother who was watching Batman. "Twin, brother, what's my name?" "Da-da-da-da-Batman!" his brother sang. The stupid boy went to his teen sister, who was listening to music. The boy asked her what's his name. "Ya babe, ya babe!" his sister sang, keep listening to her mp3. The stupid boy went to his little brother who was watching sesame street. "Little brother, what's my name?" the stupid boy asked. "In the trash can, in the trash can..." his little brother sang on with the television. The stupid boy went to his father, who was watching baseball. He asked his father what's his name. The father shouted on with the television, "Forty-niners!" who was still watching baseball. The stupid boy went to his mother and asked her about his name. His mother was cooking. "My buns are burning!" his mother shouted. The next day, the little boy went to school, and the teacher asked, "So, did you find out what's your name?" "Yes," the boy answered. "Well, what is it?" the teacher said. "Da-da-da-da-Batman!" "Would you like to go to the principal's office?" the teacher scolded. "Ya babe, ya babe," the boy said. He was sent to the principal's office. "Where are you parents?" the principal asked. "In the trash can, in the trash can..." the boy said. "How many spankies (butt hits) would you like?" the principal asked. "Forty-niners!" the boy answered. "And how would you feel after your spankies?" the principal asked. "My buns are burning!!" the boy answered.
3. A stupid idiot wanted to start a chicken farm. He ordered a hundred chickens and the next week he went back and said they died. He ordered another bunch of chickens and a few days later they died again. "I know," the idiot said. "I think I planted them too deep."

Answer 6

Why did the snowman pull down his pants?
He thought the snow blower was coming

Your mom is like a toilet.......fat, white, and smells like ****!

That's all I know lol

Answer 7

what di noah do on the ark ?

fish but did not catch much he only had 2 worms

Answer 8

Reported the first moron he wont be here long.

Answer 9

why should'nt women be allowed to drive?

there's no street between the kitchen and the bedroom

Answer 10

A Muslim knocked at my door last night i didn't bother to open it i just looked through letter box to see how she likes it! LOL