I have step children that hate me and I don't know why?

Question

I could understand them hating me if I had broken up their parents, but they were separated for nearly 10 years (off and on) before I hit the scene. I think they had already started going to court over their divorce before I showed up, so they weren't divorced when I met their dad, but they weren't together either. One of the kids told me that I mean nothing to her and that she wished I would die. The same one told her dad that our child wasn't his child and that he should leave us. I don't know how to react to these kids. They don't visit us at all. He does see them sometimes. They refuse to visit him at his home with us and insist that they stay only in the town that they live in when he visits. He even spends the night in a trailer with no running water just to be with them. What do you think is going to happen with our marriage and with his relationship with his kids?

Yes Dad needs to step up and lay down some rules. Some of you have said this will happen over time. Well, we've been together for almost ten years. How long does it take? These are adult children in their 20's. Each has children of their own. Neither is married nor is either in a stable relationship. I always thought that once they had children of their own that they would see the pain they were causing their dad and straighten up, but things only got worse.

Answer 1

My step kids hate me too and I've finally decided to make a change to that. See, mine are purely evil. They don't just hate me, but they wish I never existed. I, like you did not break up the marriage, but I've been blamed for it. He lived in a double wide mobile home all alone when I met him and the girls lived with their mother a few miles from his home. They never visited him until they heard that I had moved in several months after the divorce then they wanted to be there all of the time. At first he asked me to leave so that they could visit comfortably without me there. I packed up all of my sh*t and started to leave all together. After all, I had been invited to make his home my home. I didnt' see why I should leave. Anyway, almost 9 years later the girls are still trying to cause trouble. Most recently they have told him to get DNA tests on our daughter and are trying to move onto property he has in another state to prevent my daughter and me from traveling with him to that state.

Step kids can be extremely evil. I've told my husband that he has to make a decision on which family he wants to keep in his life-- he can have me and our daughter or he can have his older children, which by the way are adults in their twenties. These kids are constantly looking for a hand out and are working to break us up everytime I turn my head. He is so grumpy when he gets off of the phone with one of them that he throws stuff and acts like a pure fool. See, he takes his anger out on us instead of on the source--his older kids. I can't put up with that anymore and refuse to play this game anymore.

For me, it's us or it's them. He has to decide. I won't wait much longer.

Maybe your situation isn't as bad and maybe yours will get better. I can only hope for you.

Answer 2

First off you need to be a friend to the children. It is like a good cop bad cop relationship. You get to be the good cop. In step families the key to success is that you need to remember that you are not their father, so when it comes to discipline you let their mom and dad take care of the situation. And you get to be the supportive friend to the kids. As long as you step back and let the biological parents discipline while you show the kids that they have a supportive friend then you should have nothing to worry about. Also don't ever show resentment toward the children, Understand that they may not like the idea of a stepfather but it is not you they don't like they just want their parents together. It is only natural.

Answer 3

All you can do is to be an honest and nice person. Unfortunately, kids that have gone through the break up of their parents are scarred by the experience. They sometimes spend a lifetime dealing with it. I'm a step parent. Some of the children took longer to warm up to me after I came into the picture than the others. I've seen the damage that divorce does to children. Hang in there! Don't force relationships to happen. Allow them to develop over time. If you do your part but the situation doesn't improve, then at least you know that it's them and not you.

Answer 4

The kids probably think, or hoped, their parents were going to get back together and you ruined it. That's their way of thinking. It was no fault of yours and someday they will understand that. Just keep being nice to these kids. Show them the respect you would like to receive and maybe they will return it someday. It's true when they say it's the kids that hurt the most when they are involved with a divorce. Make sure your husband keeps involved in their lives even if it has to be without you. They have to be his priority, even though it will be hard on you. Good luck. Patience will pay off!

Answer 5

These kids must be hearing a lot of negative things about you and their dad from their mother. There is nothing that you can do, at this time. Just try and make the best of the situation, and maybe as they get older, they will realize that it is not disloyal to their mom to be friends with you. You did not say how old his children are, but if they are not grown, there is still hope. Good luck to you and their dad.

Answer 6

You need to understand that they'd hate anyone that their father married. What matters to them is that he remarried. They were holding on to hope that their parents would get back together. I'd even go so far as to say that the mother probably fuels this a bit by playing the victim, but who knows for certain.
You aren't going to be able to separate him from his children. He sounds desperate to have a relationship with them, and he'll eat a lot of garbage to have that happen.
You may be accepted in time, as they realize that their parents are not reuniting.
If you love the man, then be supportive of his relationships with them. Anything else will make you more of a villainess, and may make you look bad in his eyes. If in fact, he tells them your supportive, and want him to have a close relationship with them, they may rethink their feelings about you, and perhaps begin to thaw a bit.
You're in a tough situation. I wish you well.

Answer 7

It could be that their mother is influencing them. She may be telling them horrible lies about you just to make things difficult for you. Even though you didn't break up their marriage, maybe the ex-wife is jelous about your relationship or maybe she just dis-likes your husband so she's trying to use the kids against you. Or, maybe they are just angry teen-agers. Hang in there and if your husband can get those kids into family counseling with him and you maybe the real problem can be uncovered. Good luck.

Answer 8

The kids are just really angry. Give them time. Whatever you do, don't try to be their mother. However, you should make yourself available to them when they are ready to have a relationship. Don't shut them out. It's all a balancing act. For your husband, be supportive. Keep your family strong. everything will work out eventually.

Answer 9

Two things... dad needs to grow some balls and set his foot down to these adult brats. Unless he starts making an issue of it, why would they change???

Second, you need to let it go. All the anger on their side is poisoning your side of the house. Screw em, either they deal with it, or they don't. You can't fix them, he needs to step up!!

Answer 10

I'm a step daughter myself and my she can get on my nerves sometimes but, i love her and she really helped me through a lot and to see my dad happy is great! i and i think those kids are probably upset because you showed up and they might have thought that thier mom and dad could have gotten back together but you ruined it for them.
but you should really have them see a counselor it might help
your husband should try talking to them.