Opinions please...difficulty coping?

Question

I am having a terrible time coping about a guy I was with for a year and half. When we were together he told me he wanted to commit suicide. It was an ongoing issue so I recommended he talk to a professional but he wanted to talk to only me. I tried my hardest to help him. Come to find out he kept a secret that he had a child he never met w/ a one night stand before we met. I helped him come to terms with it and when he finally met the child he ended our relaionship to pursue one with the mother of his child. I found all this out when I was in the hospital this past summer. I was pretty ill and the response I got was never to call him again. And there after he manipulated me into thinking I aided him into going back to the mother because I told him he should be a part of his child's life. They are not together anymore. But I am having an awful time dealing with how he treated me after I helped him with his serious threats of suicide. Ironically, i'm seeking prof. help b/of this:(

Answer 1

Swami Sukhabodhananda
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One youngster comes to me very depressed and asks this question "Why is God creating so many difficulties for us? How to handle stress?" I tell this youngster to reflect on this beautiful story:

A man goes to a shop, picks up a beautiful cup and says "my god this cup is so beautiful" and suddenly the cup starts talking to the man. The cup starts saying "O man, I am beautiful right now, but what was the state of my being before the pot-maker made me a beautiful pot?

Before I was sheer mud and the pot-maker pulled me out of the mud from the mother earth and I felt why that pot-maker is so cruel, he has separated me from mother earth. I felt a tremendous pain. And the pot-maker said, "Just wait." Then he put me and churned me, when I was churned I felt so giddy, so painful, so stressful, I asked the pot-maker "Why are you so cruel?" the pot-maker said, "Just wait." Then he put me into a oven and heated me up, I felt completely burnt. There was tremendous pain and I asked the pot-maker "Why are you so cruel?" and the pot-maker said, "Just wait."

Then he poured hot paint on me and I felt the fume and the pain, I again asked the pot-maker "Why are you so cruel?" and the pot-maker said, "Just wait." Then again he put me into an oven and heated it to make me more strong, I felt life is so painful hence pleaded the pot-maker and the pot-maker said, "Just wait." And after that the pot-maker took me to the mirror and said, "Now look at yourself". And surprisingly I found myself so beautiful.

When god gives us lot of trouble, it appears god is very cruel but we need patience and we have to wait. When bad things happen to good people, they become better and not bitter.

So all difficulties are part of a cosmic design to make us really beautiful. We need patience, we need understanding, we need the commitment to go through in a very calm and wise way. So all difficulties are not to tumble us but to humble us.

With this understanding, let us not be against difficulty. Understand difficulty is a part of a purifying process. A purifying process at present which we cannot understand and hence we need faith and we need trust.

Let us understand how to handle stress with this background. You can be affected by stress from two angles. There is an internal stress and there is an external stress. Nobody can avoid stress; one has to only manage stress. Managing stress can be internal and also external.

The internal stress is; your thoughts can create stress, your values can create stress, and your beliefs can create stress, meaning thereby your stress is coming from your mind more from the outer world. Many people suffer not from heart attack - they suffer from thought-attack.

For example, when somebody says you are an idiot, we get so hurt, we get so victimised. My boss has called me an idiot and I am feeling tremendous pain. Now where does this stress come from? If my boss has called me an idiot, I have to ask myself "am I an idiot"?

If I am an idiot nothing to be upset about; and if I am not an idiot, then also nothing to be upset about! It is the perception of the boss. But why do we suffer from that stress? I suffer not because my boss has called me an idiot but because of the thought-attack.

I may say the boss has called me an idiot; therefore I am suffering? It is true that the words are unpleasant. But what hurts is the interpretation of the unpleasant word. The thought in me interprets. That is pain and therefore it becomes pain. Much of our stress is our mind interpreting it as pain. So we suffer from thought-attack more than heart attack.

Answer 2

It's definately sad when people do this others, If people would onlty treat others the way they wished to be treated, the world would be a much nicer place. You just have to realize that you did the right thing. If he blew his chances oh well. You cannot change the man. You can only learn from the experiance and move on. You seem to be a bright person. You where correct in telling him he should be a part of his jkids life. He is obvisiously not capable of being a part of anyones life right now. So know you have donw well, You have done nothing wrong. and now it's time for you. Look out for you, do things for you. All will fall into place.

Answer 3

I'm sorry you had to go through all of this. I just can't imagine. He had no right to put all of his emotional baggage on you. You are going to miss him for a long time but try to look at the positive that came from this, you no longer have to deal with all of his pressure. I'm Happy that you realize you need to see a professional. Also try and find a friend or family member who can be supportive and be there fo you.

Answer 4

There are people who feel no guilt about manipulating others. It seems as if he was that sort of person.

Now...you have to take care of yourself. You cannot babysit another adult, and I would not attempt to do so in the future...ever!

So...you're seeking professional help? Good for you because you're doing what is best for you. I would not have anything further to do with that lying a$$hole you were with. If he's contacting you, believe me, he's got ulterior motives.

Best of everything!

Answer 5

For helping your ex-boyfriend through his very difficult time, you have shown that you are a strong, caring and good-hearted person. Feelings are what they are - for better or for worse, and you can't help having them. Losing/beaking up with someone is a loss - and people need to go through the grieving process to deal with this loss. Here are a couple websites that have some information on the grieving process. Important things to note: 1)they may focus on grieving someone's death - your loss is just as important! 2) the stages of grief don't happen in nice, predictable amounts of time or in a specific order, and can occure differently for everyone

Main "stages of grief" page on mental health website:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm

Link found on the above page - this one focuses just on relationship loss/break-up!

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/coping_divorce_relationship_breakup.htm

(I found these by putting in "stages of grieving" on a search engine - just try that for more info if you don't really like the ones above)


I currently have strong feelings for someone who is not available as well. I have better days and worse days. On the bad days, I just try to get through them, because I know that I will have a better day eventually.

I am all for therapy if you find someone you are comfortable with and who doesn't try to push their opinions and beliefs on you. (So find someone you feel good about seeing.)

As I started out my post - you have a strong, good heart - hang in there and good luck.

Answer 6

You did what you thought was the right thing at the time. you may have sacraficed a relationship but on the other hand you also may have saved his life dont beat yourself up it really sounds like you did a good thing and you will be paid back some day

Answer 7

Sound very intense. In order to heal you must go through the process of feeling, whether that be pain, sorrow, hate etc. you must feel it. Once you get past that stage you go onto the next and conquer that one. I would lean on a few reliable people you know, read "the courage to heal", and other books of that nature, and do things that YOU enjoy.

Answer 8

One of life's biggest lessons to me has been that........"You cannot control how other people act or what they say or do.....the ONLY thing you can control is how you let it effect you."
ANYONE who makes you cry just isn't worth it......you're better off without him........and that is the only thing you should focus on. Move forward, work on yourself......and try not to pick the same type of loser again in the future. Let this be a lesson learned.........You deserve much better..........Good Luck!

Answer 9

Keep in mind that you were dealing with a mentally unstable person. In the future, if someone wants you to help him with serious problems, tell him to see a professional .... and get away from him. You don't need those kinds of problems in your life.

Answer 10

from what you've said, it sounds like you're amazing person with incredible strength. whatever you've said to him was what you thought was best for him at the time (and probably was). the fact that you're so bothered by it all shows what a caring person you are but there's got to be a point where you except that he makes his own decisions and you can't be held responsible for him.

it's time to put yourself first - if he contacts you anymore refer him on to get professional help.

don't beat yourself up over it, he's ill and needs help and you're not the person to give it to him any more.

hope it all works out for you, you sound like you deserve it to x