My boyfriends family doesnt let me in their life?

Question

My boyfriends family is very private. Basically if you are not immediate family you arent included for dinner, board games, holidays, anything. I grew up in a home where we took in people we were close to and spent alot of time together. Esp being adopted i know that family isnt always about biological relations but people who love you. From friends, to boyfriends. I always take alot of time in making sure i get along with a mans family when i know we are in a serious relationship. But they are close minded, not even his grandfather can have his gf over for a meal. He says im selfish, and cant expect to just barge into his home. But i would never do that. I do things from bakin them cookies, inviting them on trips into the city, i just want to be involved. I love this man, and if i am going to spend a lifetime with him.. how can i know that they will only accept me once he gives me his name?
He never stands up for me.. bc he thinks thats how familys work..
HELP ME!!!!

Answer 1

I think you should reconsider this relationship; the way his family is treating you now won't improve once you're married. And I can guarantee it will cause strife in your relationship with your future husband. And if your boyfriend isn't sticking up for you now, don't expect it in the future.
Time to find someone that is more family oriented like you are.

Answer 2

Are you sure his parents really meant "break up with him"? Perhaps they meant: spend less time together so that he can concentrate on his studies. Studies are very important. Why aren't you concentrating on yours, by the way? Life is never just going to be about relationships and "love". Love is part of life, not the other way around. When you are an adult you will have no choice but to give adequate attention to the other areas of your life, and so will he. There will be jobs, things to do around the house, possibly children and their needs. "Love" is not a selfish thing, it's about sharing and forbearing - placing the other person's needs above your own. Perhaps you could agree with your boyfriend that you will have a date on Saturday night, and a telephone call on week nights, until after his exams are over. Perhaps you could also agree that once a month you will have longer together, or also see each other for a couple of hours on Sundays? His studies are important, but just as important is having some time out from them. It's well known that it's necessary to incorporate breaks into study routines. That way he will return to his studies refreshed and mentally alert. And hopefully so will you.

Answer 3

They might not accept you ever or might take them a very long time, but the important thing here is your relationship. It's not with them it's with him so Focus on that. My in-laws are like this, drives me crazy as I am a family type person came from a family where all that mattered in life was life, but now 6 years later i get that his family don't want to include me and that's fine because i didn't chose them I choice there son, brother, nephew, etc. you get the point protect your relationship and don't worry about the other stuff.

Answer 4

First of all your BF is saying your being selfish for wanting to get to know and be part of the family. RED FLAG. Does he want you as part of his family? Next maybe you could call and ask his mother out for coffee,tea or lunch. Then maybe you could explain how you feel about family and see what she has to say about the way they feel. Remember they have their ways of doing things and its not likely that you will change that or your BF's attitude about how they are. Maybe they accept people more openly after they are OFFICIALLY in the family. Maybe you could talk to someone else in the family like a brother and sister in law and get the scoop on how things go in the family. It all boils down to what are you willing to live with and are you willing to live with a man that is going to act the same way? Only you can decide what to do. Good Luck.

Answer 5

My girlfriends family was the same way. They never invited me any where with them and when I was around for events then they avoided me. When I graduated from college and got a job that pays more than either of them make it was the greatest feeling ever. Basically I'm saying stay in school and you can eventually give them the proverbial "finger".

Answer 6

Well this starts with your boyfriend, apparently they are not taking you seriously because he's not it seems, some families are like this, they are just so closed to "outsiders" you need to let your boyfriend know that you feel that you are not important to him because of how he allows his family to treat you, how are you being selfish? you are obviously kissing their butts trying to get them to like you, but ultimatly this just shows that you don't have to meet them to know how ignorant they are, they obviously believe in family first, I would suggest movng on because men who grow up in this type of upbringing will never put you first, you will only be "the wife" and if you two do get married it will probably be a very rocky marriage due to his family and their ways. I'd run away while I still can, you hae to thinkn of the future, if you ever have kids, he will choose them before you, it's not really his fault, it's just the way he is. I really hoe you think about this one, good luck

Answer 7

This is a sign of things to come. The fact that he cannot understand where you are coming from with regards to this, and the fact that he doesn`t stand up for you if it means going against his family will only get worse.
Trust me..you don`t want to tie yourself to this if you can help it. AND..I think his family is strange.
Sorry, but in my opinion, the best thing for you to do now before this causes you any more grief is to distance yourself, and move on.

Answer 8

Sounds like you need to maybe make a list of pros's and con's about this. It does sound like he's got his whole views of family mixed up and may not be the one family you want to be in. His family maybe doesn't feel the need to include you because they might be old fashioned to him not marrying you already. it sinks

Answer 9

The real problem is that he doesn't stand up for you. Reconsider your relationship and if this is something you can put up with. My sister has had a similar issue with her husband for nearly 10 years. It has caused a lot of pain for her and they are headed for a divorce.

Answer 10

ouch wow. that guy and his fam are being really cold.
they need to accept you because you would soon be family.
if they won't open up, then they aren't most likely going to after you take a name. you should be able to get to know them all first.
i'm sorry, this is hard. i see where you are coming from and i totally agree. i would try a little longer and if they keep shutting you out, then it's time to end it. this isn't selfish, they are being selfish.