do people with borderline personality even know how much they hurt those that love them?

Question

This is a serious question. I am not being mean I'm just curious if they can understand others feelings or is it only ever about themselves. My closest friend has borderline and although i love her to bits she can be really self absorbed with her own emotions. everything always comes back to being about her. If i am hurting she somehow twists that into a perception that i am saying she's a terrible person. Everytime i get hurt it gets twisted around so that my emotions are causing her to hurt more. So do they actually have any concept about others emotions or can they only see their own. it is a well known fact that borderlines are manipulative and hurtful to their carers but do they know what they are doing and do they care? i am not saying that i am angry with this, i'm just curious if they are aware of what they are doing because sometimes they seem completely oblivious toward others emotions

Answer 1

I'm going to be the first to disagree with the prior posters and say that YES, they are aware. BUT, they are not aware in the moment.

I have worked as a therapist and have treated borderline patients. Many do feel badly about being very self-absorbed. Many realize that they are hurting others. Many don't want to hurt others. Almost all have a VERY difficult time learning to be less self-absorbed.

In the moment, the person with borderline is very focused on how they feel. Sometime later (30 minutes, maybe, or after several days), they do realize that they may have been hurtful. They often feel bad but just don't know how to control it.

They also do care. However, many care about how others feel only because of how that will impact them (your friend might care if you're upset if she thinks that it will make you less likely to be around her, for example).

Is your friend in therapy? If she's not, she may want to consider trying Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) which is a treatment modality that has had a great deal of success (relative to other treatment methods) with borderline clients. It's a difficult problem to change, but with a lot of hard work and support it is possible.

Also, take care of yourself. It's hard to be good friends with someone with this type of problem, and it's important that you don't end up feeling emotionally trampled because of it

(The prior poster said that inability to feel empathy is a diagnostic characteristic of borderline -- this is not true. Here is a link to the diagnostic criteria for the disorder - http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis1/p21-pe05.html)

Answer 2

I used to work as a psych RN for many years and have an observation that may be helpful. Most people believe that the emotions we experience are caused by other people. We say, "That person makes me so angry!", or, "Why do you frustrate me so much?".

The reality is that our emotions are caused by the thoughts we think, our expectations of other people behaviors, and whether we perceive that our needs are being met.

In a friendship, usually both peoples needs are met to some degree and that is our expection of friendship. If we have a friendship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder things are different.

In a relationship with a person who has borderline personality disorder we can not expect to get any of our needs met. We also have to set limits with the person so that we can get our needs met by other people and in other ways.

It is not the other persons fault that they have boderline personality disorder! They did not choose to have this condition. Most People I have known with this condition were either raped as young children, physically or emotionall abused as kids or had some other horrendous problems in childhood. They are not "bad people", but people that are limited in their ability to function through no fault of their own!

Most people with this disorder do not perceive what is happening in a realistic way and are very unhappy. They need our compassion but compassion that is mixed with a knowledge of the disorder, an awareness of our own internal self, and an ability to set limits in a kind, caring, but firm way.

Answer 3

OK welcome to the most misunderstood mental condition around! My partner has been diagnosed with borderline. She is very concerned/ worried/ etc. to the extreme of those around her.There is more then one type. Hers is of the neurotic nature. She has gotten so worked up that she has gotten psychotic. But, she can manipulate, she can tell whoppers but not to hurt others, but to protect her own screwed up personality. She was seriously abused as a child by a very mentally ill father. She is working very hard to overcome this and get well and I commend her for it! She describes the stories that she has woven as a way to fill up holes of time that she can not really remember so she learned to make stuff up to fill them. We are now struggling with auditory hallucinations which Is just another way to try to hurt and belittle herself. Particularly as the voices sound somewhat like her father. I am also going to take another side to this- she is very successful, has a PhD, has ran several successful business, did it all on her own. As I said earlier her Father was very mentally ill and abused her. Her mother also had issues (sounded borderline as well to me) both were alcoholics. So I guess through this I want to give hope. If they can recognize that they have a problem, learn that life is not all black and white, and can learn to love that poor, little inner child that is the root of the problem. They can and do get well!

Answer 4

Alright, most of the answers that you are going to get are going to be very general. Most people do not know what Borderline Personality Disorder is. I have a daughter with it and I can tell you that they just do not have the ability to love or undersatnd others. I am raising her two children because she is unable to. She loves them but it is the same love that she feels for her nieces and nephews.

Someone with B.P.D. does not have multiple personalities, they live in a world of extreems. They have extreem emotions all the time and there is no rhyme or reason to it. I am raising a 3 year old little boy and his sister who is 10 months younger because their mother has this disability.

Just to let you know, B.P.D. is often accompanied by other disorders such as Phsycosis and Schitsophrania.

The best idea I can give you is to go to a large bookstore like Borders or Book A Million and get a book titled "Stop Walking On Egg Shells" It is about coping with some one that has this disorder.

I will tell you that I took so long to post this becasue the daughter who has this called me while I was answering this and went off on a tangent about her grades from high school and why she didn't graduate. She hasn't gone to school in 4 years but it was important to her RIGHT NOW.

You are correct in the fact that Borderlines can be manipulative but as far as their carrers go, my daughter has not held down a job for more than 2 months in her life. She has not lived with her children since her son was 3 months old and I got her daughter straight from the NICU.

If you need any more questions answered or you just want to chat, you can e-mail me. I have been dealing with this for 9 years and I know that I will never get away from it because I have her children.

Answer 5

I moved right into a sparkling council property and maximum of the families listed below are working classification and characteristic some terrible teenage little ones who run around attempting to act difficult, one in each and every of them squared as much as me, then shoved me whilst i became attempting to take my procuring in, of course performing huge in front of his buddies, I floored him with a stiff kick to the knee, grabbed him via the scruff and advised him if he ever tried that lower back 'i could kick the **** out of him in front of his little girlfriends', unexpectedly the gang he became with stopped giggling and had long gone silent then, I mentioned a similar is going for them. i've got never had any difficulty on the grounds that then. i could recommend in case you experience intimidated on your guy or woman homestead the only way you will over come it somewhat is understanding you have the boldness to safeguard your self if push includes shove, try studying a martial artwork like muay Thai or boxing as those are rather uncomplicated and may well be used interior the line after some weeks instructions, this will additionally improve your self self belief, launch rigidity and help your psychological wellness it somewhat is extremely extra effective in my humble opinion. desire all is going nicely for you pal!

Answer 6

after 30 years of living with a BP wife thinking I could
"fix " her I realize now I invested in and lost and wasted more than half my life away.
I recently filed for divorce and am raising our two girls ( older sister is married)
It is a good question of whether they KNOW or not but I encourage people to be more realistic about the BP person and decide how much of your life you wish to invest in something that has little, very little chance of changing....30 years......nightmare....

Answer 7

I'm a nurse. To some degree they are unaware. Even if you were to bring it to their attention, they will revert back to old habits. You see they are comfortable with this method and it works for them. This also helps them to somewhat function as a normal person would. I would try to look at this from a different point of view, hers. Don't take thing personally, that's just how she is. Try placing yourself in her shoes. Not only to better understand her, but to understand what bothers you about the situation. You might discover a different avenue to deal with your issues as well as hers. Take care.

Answer 8

I have met many like this!!! i think they are completely unaware! they are so caught up in themselves that they just dont realize i seriously think its a mental condition and they are not capable of caring about others even if they wanted to!!! When they do try you can tell they are trying and it seems as though they are trying TOO HARD!! and its really annoying. I know how you feel, and it doesn't make any sense to me either!!

Answer 9

One of the criteria for a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder is the inability of the affected person to feel empathy, and no, they don't care. These folks are narcissistic, manipulative, and callous. They are motivated only by their own needs, and usually will stop at nothing to meet them. They aren't motivated to change, either.
Whenever I meet a Borderline person or a sociopath, I run as fast as I can in the other direction, just for self-preservation.
Don't be surprized by her behavior, and know she'll always be that way-- there's not a thing you can do about it.

Answer 10

sounds exactly like the girl i loved more than eva i the world. she had borderline personality disorder and no she was always hurting me real bad and never cared about how i felt. i don't speak with her anymore. i just couldn't take the pain.