My 18 year old is dating someone my husband and I don't particularly approve of. He is a senior in highschool like my daughter and smokes pot. Yesterday night we allowed my daughter to have her boyfriend spend the night. We made him sleep downstairs in the computer room while she slept upstairs in her bedroom. They were watching a movie and it was 2:00 and i told her to go to sleep. She asked me if she could finish the movie first and i replied no...I was tired She got very angry at me and that got my husband very angry. He then yelled at my daughter for hugging her boyfriend good night. This morning my daughter came into my room around 7:00 and asked if she could go downstairs with her sleeping bag and lay next to him. I was half awake and i think may have replied yes. I don't know....well she went down there and when i woke up at 11:00 she was in her sleeping bag he was in his sleeping next to him. We woke her up and yelled at her. He left soon after. They been together 2yrs
2007-01-01 07:45:05 · 31 answers · asked by Marino272 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Yes you are too harsh. your daughter is a young women, they seemed to have obeyed the rules of your home. they are probably banging each other silly outside your house and all your attitude does is isolate her from you.
2007-01-01 07:48:41 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
First of all --- don't put temptation in her way! Make it a rule that he never stays past midnight and they stay downstairs with the light on
Secondly --- I am not sure what you think could have happened if they were each in a separate sleeping bag.
Thirdly ---- She is 18 and legally an adult, so chances are she will finish school and go out on her own with this guy. Don't burn any bridges. If you don't like him, at least tolerate him. If he is not a good person, she will find it out sooner if she does not feel she has to defend him.
And smoking pot is not the worst thing a person could do -- but I would feel as you do about it. I would rather see my daughter dating someone who did not smoke pot.
2007-01-01 07:57:38 · answer #2 · answered by Marilyn E 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Your daughter is 18 and has been with this boy for 2 years. That is the signs of a serious relationship. By having your daughter talk to you about the relationship, ask permission for the boy to stay over, and ask to see him in the morning, she is respecting your authority and the rules of the house. If you did give her permission to go downstairs and if they were in seperate sleeping bags lying next to one another, I'm not sure what the problem is. You gave her permission to go downstairs. There was no inappropriate activity.
Also, hugging should not be a problem. They've been together for 2 years. Chances are they have done more than hug. You want your daughter to talk to you if she needs to. By yelling at her for hugging this person, you are putting up walls around her.
She seems to be a very respectful child. Try to nuture this. If you push her away, she may retaliate. She is acting very responsible right now.
2007-01-01 07:50:47 · answer #3 · answered by tami1215 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
If that were my daughter, I would have not let her have a boyfriend sleep over in the same house especially if he is using drugs. You are the parents and suppose to protect your daughter from people like that.
I think you are to blame for allowing your daughter to get involved with this guy and allowing this to happen. If you already knew that he smoked pot in those 2 years, why let the relationship continue? You as parents should be ashamed of yourself...and your daughter needs to learn to respect any rules, that's if there is any rules, in the house.
It is time for a daughter and parent talk. Until she is out of the house, there shouldn't be any young man in the home.
Remember, you two are the parents!
2007-01-01 18:24:12 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are being inconsistent with your rules, despite the respect and obedience she is showing. You make her sleep upstairs, and then when she asks to go down, you say yes, and then yell at her?
She is 18, and though it is your house, you are not being considerate. She sounds like a respectful young lady, and it sounds like you do not have any trust in her. Granted, her getting that upset about not being able to watch the movie was immature, but was it really that big a deal?
You and your husband need to sit down with her, and talk. She is not a little girl, but she is still living with you. If you and your spouse can not be more consistent, and considerate, than there is a good chance she will move out sooner than possible. Think of all the reasons why you trust her, and talk to her about the reasons you don't. You might learn a few things about yourself that you didn't know.
2007-01-01 07:51:20 · answer #5 · answered by shaclare 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Letting him sleep over is the first mistake. Hollering at them does not good. This lets them know they are getting to you and you are loosing control.
I would prohibit her to even see him, but that may not work in this case.
That fact that she doesn't know enough to stay away from a pothead, means that she didn't get the basics and doesn't have the strongest of decision making abilities.
Like so many that let their children go wild and then wonder why they have trouble.
Every instance like that you should come down hard and strict.
Ground them and talk to them. Their ground should be with you, not off to their selves.
They stay grounded until they can apologize and tell you what they did wrong. No arguing or raising your voice.
You can discuss if they agree, but you haven't laid down the ground rules. Try to go over all situations and lay the guidelines.
People don't lay down the rules and wonder why their children keep running past them.
2007-01-01 08:12:34 · answer #6 · answered by Computer Dr. 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
While i understand your perspective and your desire to protect your daughter, I don't that that restricting her the way you do will accomplish what you are trying to accomplish.
I see a responsible young lady (she asked to go downstairs,she behaved appropriately) and she got yelled at for hugging her bf of two years.
I think you are putting your daughter in the position of having to defy you. You let the bf stay over but then ruined the stay.
I am pretty sure that your daughter is embarrassed by what happened, and feels that she doesn't have your trust. That is very destructive for a teenager who will assume that if she isn't trusted she needn't bother acting in a trustworthy fashion.
I know that this is a difficult time for parents. It's hard to know exactly what to do. In this case you need to be confident that you've brought your daughter up right and allow her to start practicing responsibility. She needs to given the oppurtunity to be responsible because that will be required of her as an independent adult.
2007-01-01 08:05:33 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Sounds to me that there is a break down in communication and some things aren't being addressed properly. When mixed signals are given it leaves a lot room for dis-favorable results. If you don't approve of your daughter's boyfriend then why allow him to stay the night in your home? You know he does drugs and you obviously do not want this for your daughter, so why foster the relationship by allowing him in your home, especially for a sleep over. You are sending your daughter very mixed signals. She is 18, but she still lives under your roof and she still is bound by the rules you give her. I know you cannot force her to end things with him, but you don't have to support the relationship either. Yelling at your daughter will only shove her into the arms of her boyfriend. You should make up your mind about how you really feel about the young man and their relationship and behave in a way which shows your true feelings. Stop yelling, stop playing games and set a positive tone. Your anger is really directed at yourself because you make allowance you really don't feel good about.
2007-01-01 08:02:14 · answer #8 · answered by Jennifer M 4 · 0⤊ 2⤋
You were too lenient. The boyfriend should not be in the house in the first place. Granted, she is 18, but she is not an adult unless she is self sufficient. Therefore, you have the right to set the rules in the house and to bar the boyfriend from the house.
Let her know that if she wants to set the rules, she has to have her own place.
2007-01-01 11:32:34 · answer #9 · answered by adamsjrcn 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First off, the sleepover was a really poor idea, you should have never agreed to that, look at the possible problems that came up and how many opportunities there were for you to get upset with her decisions? Try to avoid those situations in the future. You might also want to apologize to her for the yelling, tell her you realize the sleepover was a bad idea to begin with, and if you had just said no to that, then none of the other stuff would have even come up.
2007-01-01 07:54:03 · answer #10 · answered by reddevilbloodymary 6 · 1⤊ 2⤋
I personally think that you and your husband probably have a relationship that is strained so you have decided that taking your frustration out on your daughter is the answer. She will hate you for a while but she will get over it. You and your husband on the other hand won't be that simple. Help yourself before you decide to make decisions for another adult. Oh and if she is going away to school.. well just don't show up un announced
2007-01-01 07:55:41 · answer #11 · answered by redsox 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋