What do you do with a whiny person who won't help themselves?

Question

My grandmother won't stop whining! She sits around talking about how she can't do anything for herself (she can and several doctors said she could). Whenever anyone is busy, she whines "I'm so sorry I'm such a burden, but my mind doesn't work. Someone is going to have to take care of me. I can't eat." Then she'll look at whatever food we have and ask "Whatcha eating...?" When I offer her something, she won't give me a straight answer or she'll say "that' ok, honey. I don't want to put you out." She drives me CRAZY! She manipulates my mother into doing everything for her. My mom seems to like being able to wait on her mom, but I don't like being expected to wait on someone who can take care of themselves! Plus, my gma sitting on herr *** all day can't be good. Won't she deteriorate? She tries every new depression medication she can but when it doesn't "work" the next day, she complains about how she's different from everyone else and how the meds don't work. How do I handle her?!

I would like to add that this is not a new condition for my grandmother. She has been this way all her life, according to my mother. Even when my grandmother was a young wife, my grandfather worked full time AND tended to the house and kids. I know my mom feels good to wait on her, but I feel like it is enabling her forever "victim" mentality. I'm not that young (in my 20s). She's not the sweet innocent person some of you are making it out to be. I know I need to show patience, but it's hard. Thanks to you all for sharing your experiences and opinions, though. I appreciate it!

Answer 1

Very difficult situation for you to be in, i know id hate to be in your place. No it isnt good for her to sit around all day, she could get up and walk around, do some things until she feels tired and then sit down but not all day, that isnt good for her. You shouldnt feel like you have to do everything for her even though she is your grandmother and you love her, it is possible for her to drive you insane even so. Let your mom deal with it, theres not really anthing you can do because you dont have the authority.

Answer 2

I'm assuming you are quite young. First of all the antidepressents take a while to start working. They have to build up in the system. Sometimes it takes 2 weeks to a month. You should do things with gma that make her feel useful. My mom is with me and I care for her. But the grandchildren that crab that she doesnt' tlk to them are the ones that come over and ignore her. The ones that are up in her face are the ones that get spoken to. She likes what you're eating? Give her some. Don't ask. Just give it. She was brought up polite. If she can have it give it to her. My mom got hooked on crosswords. Everybody says she ignores them and does the puzzles. Funny. My 9 year old grandson talks to her all the time and she talks back. Play cards with her. Checkers. Ask her questions often about stuff from way back. Make her use her mind. Check into senior centers with your mom. A few hours a week or even once a week with people her age might do her good if she can get out. Just cause she's old doesn't mean she's dead. If you love her tease her. Not abusively. Just make jokes about dinosaurs and ask her if she had any. Have her talk about things from that time. Make her talk. When she gets into her moods just tell her she's not a bother and that its great to have her around all the time. Boost her spirits. She's depressed. It's like if you broke a leg and had to ask for everything. You don't want to but have to. Well that's where she's at. Even though it will be a lot, try waiting on her and making her feel important. Sit and talk. Try taking her for walks if possible. Sit in the park or whatever. Sit outside. Tell her she's right. She is different from everybody else. She's the senior. Maybe you could have mom let her fold some wash or something. Mend stuff. I don't know her capabilities. Peel potatoes for dinner. knitting? make rugs? crochet? crosswords or word search? tv? cd's? hope this helps.

Answer 3

As a young person, you have your whole life ahead of you. Grandma, however, has most of her life behind her. How depressing do you think that is? Being old is not easy. Add to that all her sad memories (is your grandpa dead? how many other friends and fun things has grandma lost?), her painful joints, clinical depression and whatever other problems she has, and she's certainly overwhelmed. When people are depressed, just getting out of bed is hard. They don't have the energy to "just get over it" or to get up and do things for themselves.

And I don't think your grandma is "manipulating" your mom. Your mom is a grown adult. She chooses to take care of your grandma, and it sounds like she does it with patience and grace.

I would handle grandma the same way I handle my 2-year-old - don't let her rattle your cage. Stay in control. Be matter-of-fact. Let most of what she says roll off of you. If she won't give you a straight answer, then pick an answer for her. "Here, grandma, I'm putting some of this on your plate." She is not going to suddenly stop being a wacky old lady. How you choose to live with that will say a lot about your personality, experience and maturity.

If you're feeling jealous or not getting as much attention as you'd like because your mom's always taking care of your grandma, maybe you need to talk to your mom about that and find a way to get some quality non-grandma time. Maybe you need more fun stuff to do outside the house?

Answer 4

You can't change your mother or your grandmother, not really. She's gotten this far in life and won't get off her rear end to take care of herself. Maybe your mom likes to be needed this way? Maybe your grandmother really is depressed, it's possible that a lot of her behavior is because she does suffer from depression, and I'm not sure it's your place to give her tough love. Try to have some patience, do something nice for her like play cards with her or take her to the movies, try to distract her from her problems, and you might actually find a way to bond with her that has nothing to do with the dynamics of the situation between your mom and her.

Answer 5

I can relate to you entirely but with my mother in-law. She has no problem letting even strangers know of her financial condition and so forth. I think it's her effort to have some control over of us, to make us feel guilty about her life and her secret desire for us to care for her. My mother in law is in her 50's and currently there is no reason she can't care for herself. In the past I fell into the guilt trips and self pity even going out of my way only to find it wasn't enough. I finally told her that she needs to take responsibility for her life instead of counting on everyone else. When she says" I don't have any money", I say, "what can you cut back on".instead of handing her money( i use to help her with a budget too). I just quit falling into her games and slowly that made her be a more independent. If your grandma looks at your food, say something like, If you're hungry there is food in the fridge. Don't acknowledge her guilt trips or get up and get it for her.
Some people like to be the victim or to appear helpless and they will continue to do so [why wouldn't they] until they are forced to help themselves. They thrive on your guilt, how pathetic is that? Sucks to be binded with guilt. Your mother has to realize she is enforcing this behavior.Good luck, I know it sucks!

Answer 6

I took care of my husband's grandmother and my mom. They both moved in with us, all though not at the same time. It is a very difficult job and responsibility. Grandma ended up in a nursing home. She got out of control. Some things you have to leave to the experts. ( If that's what you call nursing home staff). My mother, God rest her soul. I promised her she would never go to one. I was able to keep that promise. I took care of her till the day she died. They do get demanding. At times your at your wits end. But I wouldn't have had it any other way with my mom. Keep some distance from her if it is that bad. But don't alienate her.

Answer 7

in my opinion if someone can help themselves and they just don't want to, you need to make them do this. If you are always helping they wont ever help themselves because they know you are there to do it for them. I do however wonder how old your grandma is, and if she is sick. If this is the case then yes i would help her as much as possible, however if she is well and perfectly able to do things on her own, then show a little tough love and let her do things on her own.

Answer 8

wow! You sound young. Listen if you don't believe your grandmother is real. Support your mom go to the Dr's office w/ them. This is your opportunity to find out if she is hypercon or if she is real and just depressed. Ask the DR. questions.

Answer 9

Don,t be so angry.Your grandma is your Moms ,mom,if she wants to wait on her fine.maybe she is just a bad older person...don,t stress about it,you may end up saying something you are sorry for...Just roll with the flow...My Mom was like that too,but when she passed i missed her,your Mom loves her so just go on your way and bear up...not much you can do but accept it.....

Answer 10

I wish I knew what to tell you. My great grandmother did that before she died. You have to ignore 90% of it . It will get better.