My ex-husband left and our son is 3-1/2 yrs old. Everyone keeps saying that I should go out and find a good dad for him. Is it an apsolute need for a young boy to have a father figure in the home? I truely do not feel like I want to deal with having a man in my home again for a while, I just want to get on with my life, and raise my son the best with out a stupid guy trying to tell me how to do things. Will have uncles and a grandfather work as well as having a father figure in the home?
2007-01-01 06:51:22 · 31 answers · asked by TransDude78 3 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
His father is in the military and is away a lot, so his own father is a part time father.
2007-01-01 11:48:19 · update #1
u can do it even if you are a single parent.
dont marry just because u need someone to stand for your kid to be a father figure.
yes uncles and granpa can be said a father figure already.
2007-01-01 06:57:13 · answer #1 · answered by johannea 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
NOOO!!!
A father figure does not have to be some one who lives in or sleeps with mom, so forget about any of that stupid advice you've been getting.
Lets get somethings straight first. What role, if any, will his dad be having now that he is no longer living with YOU? The fact that you two are no longer together does not exclude him from being the #1 candidate for this role, especially if he is still living near by and is available a lot. If he is available and you think he could be this person, try to stimulate the bond, even if you two are estranged.
If the father, for some reason, is not going to be the male role model, a grandfather, an uncle, a very dear friend (thin ice of course) or even an employee (if you own a ranch) could be the one. I believe that the most important is that this person loves the child and is present on the long run, if possible.
The role of this person will be more than teaching how to throw a curve ball, it will be to show what character an moral values are and that they are "manly". It can be occupied by more than one person too, but not by an endless succession of "men in your bed".
That takes us to the crappy advice you've been getting. Trying to go out and score a dad for your kid is probably the worst idea you could have. It is much better to live your life and keep the mommy and woman parts separated. Eventually, you may (or not) find a decent man for YOU. Someone who you will want to bring into your life and who you feel will be in it for the long run. At that point, your dating life and mommy life can meet. BUT, don't expect this man do be your kids dad. It may or not happen, usually does but not necessarily. Let them both ease into the role and let it go as far as it goes, meaning that your son might not adopt the new dad fully and might still prefer someone else. Just let it be.
Also, be aware that, more often than not, "step dadding" yields awful results. Don't want to scare, but there is pedophiles, child beaters, alcoholics etc. So, please, don't rush into anything.
Finally, girls need a father figure too. As a matter of fact, women tend to "marry their dads", meaning that women who had abusive dads will usually end up with and abusive man and women who had a loving and caring father will tend to pick a decent man to live with. So, all that was said above counts for girls too.
2007-01-01 15:41:27 · answer #2 · answered by leblongeezer 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Having a few close male relatives to take him out and spend time with him is 10x better than finding a replacement dad for him, and having that guy possibly end up being a total bum. I think the male relatives would be fine for now... is your dad in his life? Grandfathers can play a very big role in a boy's life. Your son deserves a great dad, and that may be years from now, so don't worry about running out and finding a new dad so soon. And when people say that, just tell them you love your son too much to just settle for the next closest guy. It's good that you're trying your best, and it's not your fault that his dad isn't in the picture. Just keep doing what your doing, and good luck.
2007-01-01 14:56:13 · answer #3 · answered by Lindsay M 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Yes a boy does need a male role model - but that is DEFINITLY not a good enough reason to get married. If he has uncles and grandfathers who are actively involved in his life - while it isn't the same as having a father - it is a very good start. The truth is, even a stepfather isn't the same as having his own father so no, you don't need to rush off and find a guy just for that reason!
2007-01-01 15:35:06 · answer #4 · answered by Chrys 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
. "Going out and finding a father figure" can be a risky proposition. Having no father figure is better than having the wrong father figure. Uncles and grandfathers are some of the best alternate father figures. If they naturally take a liking to your son and enjoy spending time with them, even if your son is simply included in activities with your relative's own children.
. If you meet someone who likes you and wants to get close to you, he might be nice to your son only to please you until he has gotten what he seeks from you. He might marry you and then start treating your son badly or with indifference. He might not, but you have to be aware of and be careful about that possibility.
2007-01-01 15:00:25 · answer #5 · answered by PoppaJ 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think that there is an absolute need for a boy to have a father figure. I mean if you rush into something with another guy, you may end up doing more damage than you think. My advice would be to raise him they way you want to, with or without a father figure. If some great guy comes along, then don't be hesitant. But I still say the boy will grow up fine without that father figure.
2007-01-01 14:56:26 · answer #6 · answered by steviepoo1776 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
my son, who is now 16, was without a father figure until he was 10 yrs old and I married. he turned out just fine. It is hard being both a mother and a father to a child, but if you have the patience and a willingness to do "boy stuff" like football, fishing etc.(if he is interested in it) then it is like the cherry on top of the cake.
whomever told you to go out and find a dad, for your son is living in the stone age! most women are more than capable raising a little boy. and besides, you have to think of your own well-being too...if your not ready for a relationship just yet, why stress yourself out.
my son had male examples growing up...they were my cousin's, brother and my dad. he had and still has a special bond with them and can talk to them more easily then he can with me on certain things....there is nothing wrong with it.
good luck and try not to worry, I bet everything will turn out just fine.
2007-01-01 15:11:52 · answer #7 · answered by julie's_GSD_kirby 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He needs male influence above all else. Whether it is another family member or a father figure is up to your situation.
Boys without good male influence in their lives do grow up with emotional issues. Theyre not ruined, by all means, but still. You want the best for your babies.
Both genders need male leadership and interaction. Girls use then to learn how lovers should treat them, and they build their confidence through the love they recieve from grandfathers, uncles, fathers, or male friends of the family as children. Boys need that interaction to learn how to be good men, boys especially pattern themselves after the men in their lives. Girls will copy other girls, or people on tv just as readily, but boys definitely need that one on one internaction.
Ive seen both outcomes many many times, and those boys with male interaction grow up much better rounded.
This is of course no reason to go out and land yourself a new husband. That can be disaterous if the man isnt willing or able to be a father, and the negtive effect will be achieved.
Just use common sense, if men are in his life, make sure theyre good men.
2007-01-01 14:55:57 · answer #8 · answered by amosunknown 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
no your boy doesnt need a father figure, I was in the same position as you, My ex also left me stranded with my son, He was in 2nd grade when my ex left, I picked up the pieces and me and him made it without another guy inb my life, Oh i dated, But As soon as dated guys and on the end of our dates, I simply said Just remember 1 thing, which iam dead serious about, Where ever i go in life My son goes with me, and what ever he goes through I go with him, soo if you want to be serious with me, My son has to like you, Wait till maybe when your son gets to be teenage years, then Date, I raised my child on my own, with no help from any man, Also I lived with my parents they helped, and my father was a big help greatly, my son is an angel he is now 20 years old, Well good luck have fun, and go to the movies alot, heres a little tip, take your son to all the movies, and spend all your spare time with him, cause once he is 20, those days will be gone
2007-01-01 15:09:26 · answer #9 · answered by trudycaulfield 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, absolutely! uncles and grandpa is a great substitute for your son as a father figure at home. Your son needs to look for a man role model in the house, he is in the right age of immitating what he sees and you have to teach him what hi's role as a male vs. female and let him understand .
You don't need to rush your self ,if you didn't feel like, looking for a guy who can give your son a father image/figure at home. Plus looking for a nice guy/man out there is not easy. Good luck!.
2007-01-01 15:03:38 · answer #10 · answered by Arlyn T 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It isn't really a father, its more a male influence.
I know plenty of boys without fathers, some are friends and some are young ones I babysit for. They are all fine. Some do wish they had a father, but they are fine with uncles, grandpas, their moms male friends.
There is no need for you to run out and find a husband if you don't think you are ready, or don't want one.
2007-01-01 15:00:34 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋