My best friend of over 10 years; should I continue to be his friend?

Question

We are both guys and are both married. Though we are best friends I tend to be more like a big brother to him. I'm 35 and he's 30. I am the oldest of 5 male children and he is the youngest of 3 male children in each of our families, respectively. Because of this dynamic we both naturally tend to gravitate toward that role within our friendship as well. We have both been there for each other many times and I have a great time when we hang out but many of his lifestyle choices don't make sense with what he claims to stand for. This upsets me because it makes him seem fake, not just to me but others as well. I find myself defending him more than I'd like to admit. He has several other friends that he likes to hang with. (My wife and 3 sons keep me busy-he has no children and he is separated from his wife). I'm just concerned because they aid him in his poor lifestyle choices. Of course, he justifies his choices, but I think he simply ignores doing what he knows is right. Keep or move on?

Answer 1

He may be going through a phase because he is single again. You can't change him so just wait for him to get over this phase and continue the friendship if you can.

Answer 2

Well I hope you aren't offended when I tell you its Not your job to be his Big Brother, just a friend,

If you see him this way , its because You enjoy parenting.

I am sure he is screwing up and your concerned, and embarrassed, but don't be, and you do not need to defend him either.

He is an Adult, and single- you can only as a friend do what is best for him and your family,

Which Is #1 - distance him from your family as its obvious is is heading for a Fall, this is simply to protect them, and separate family from friendship,

He is JUST a friend best or not, but here is the thing, if he is doing wrong, like partying to hard ect., just tell him

" Dude, I love you like a Brother but Its starting to look bad, your doing this this this this and this ( Whatever it is and all of it however hurtful )

And let him know exactly what he is doing that you disagree with,

he might not be happy and try to argue his way out of it, but you need to remain calm and simply say I love you but wrong is wrong, and if you can't come to terms just tell him that you've gotta run.

give him a week to mull it over, he should call you to talk but don't discuss it, just let him think about it-

After a week if he doesn't call, call him and be you regular self, DO NOT invite him to the house- just go have coffee together,
and listen but do not advise him , only if he asks.

And be Honest.

And from now on now that you have cleared the Air you can agree with the people when they are unhappy with his life style. Don't get into details with them because he is your friend , no need to stab him in the back right, and no need to let them throw him under the bus either.

And let them know you've spoken to him,( period)

Also let them know, its not up to them to make these hard decisions for him, he can do what he wants, ( in other words they should MYOB)

And as a Good friend all you can do is offer advise when he asks, and be there for him IF and When he needs you.

So for now just let him do his thing, you've let him know your feelings, and you've done your part, its his turn now,

Just be prepared for the fact that he might just get worse before he gets better,

OH and remember he is mighty lonely now that he is single again, so he will begin to actlike a child again, responsibility comes with time and

if you don't ever put the ball in his hands he won't learn to play the game. Wink wink.

( PS
When he's on the right track, then invite him back into the family.)

(Oh and this separation is about the exposure to the kids , influence not a punishment ect.. )

Hope it was helpful, email me if you need better details,

Meg
[e-mail]

Answer 3

Tell him how you feel. And if it is really bothering you just take a break from each other but there is no reason to break off a friendship just find new things you guys can tey together maybe you treat him like a little brother seeing htat you are the oldest and maybe it is for the best. Just watch out for him and help him make the right choices

Answer 4

A friend of 10 years, we cannot possibly give good advice on what to do after such a short preamble. But I would consider this. If he is 35 this is most likely not a phase he is going through, but it is him. So these choices that bother you will most likely not stop.
But on the reverse side, do you really want to end your relationship with somebody over a difference in views on what is on the path towards goodness? Many things for you to consider.
Good luck.
B

Answer 5

If you have known him a long time, you probably can forget changing how he behaves.
Since you are his friend, he believes you should accept whatever he does.

The only reason for keeping the relationship would be if you thought that you might be able to change him.
But I believe you are probably asking this question because you have doubts that you can ever make a change in him.

If I see this correctly, you need to be busy when he needs somthing from you, and put your effort in your wife and children.

Whatever you decide to do, you cannot compromise your beliefs or your relationship with your wife and three sons.

grace2u

Answer 6

You can't run your friend's life. Unless he is being a negative influence on your own life, I'd stay his friend. Maybe someday his life experience will show him that you were right, maybe not. Some lessons we have to learn on our own.

There are things everyone should improve upon in their life. If you concentrate on yours, and let him worry about his, maybe the friendship will continue for another 10 years.

Answer 7

I have a similar situation. You cannot convert him. That's the work of the Holy Spirit. I've talked with him and shared scripture but the decision is his alone. Just "Love your neighbor" and continue to be a positive influence in his life.

"Preach the Gospel. If necessary, use words."

Answer 8

If your friend is doing things contrary to scriptures, you can still be friends, I have several friends I went to school with, They are still my friends, One of my friends was killed in 2000, There are still 2 alive, If they come down to my house I treat them nice, But do I have to run the country side with them, NO, What does Light have to do with darkness. But they are still my buddies & Friend, I am not saying that if your friend needs to talk to you for help, not to go somewhere & talk to him, I am just saying you don't have to run every week with them, Your family comes first. And use some wisdom.

Answer 9

If you're the only "good influence" friend left in his life, imagine what would happen if you "left". And I would assume too, you guys could talk to each other about things after 10 years. You might currently be the best thing in his life.

Answer 10

honestly I thnk u should talk to him becuase 10 yrs. is a long time and true friends are hard to come along and you guys should just have atalk and be honest even if it might hurt both him and you ..........he might be mad and he might get over it but most of all in the end the problem will be solved