As a parent, do you feel that the grandparents need guidelines or restrictions?

Question

Generally speaking, of course...In extreme cases, some grandparents intentionally push the envelope to be seen as favored in the child's eyes, and this is of course doing more harm than good.

But generally; Assuming that your parents were good people, and always have the best interest of the child in mind, do you still worry that their influence will damage your relationship with or authority over your children?

Answer 1

yes they do.. They should respect what the parents say and they should know the lines not to cross

Answer 2

I have mixed feelings on this -- (Mainly because I buried my parents as a very young adult and my children never knew these grandparents)

I know that there are grandparents/parents out there that do not have good relationships ... but ...

As long as both realize and respect the adulthood, call and make plans well in advance (at least a week), and that the grandparents are courteous enough to ASK what rules in specific that the parents want the children to follow while staying with Grands for a week during the summer (and that is always common courtesy -- like no sugar treats or lower fat foods for example), then there is no reason to discuss this situation any further ...

However, if there is a Grand(s) that are constantly criticizing the parents in FRONT of the children (wow -- this would be considered disrespectful and rude), then YES, you need to (after this situation) set some guidelines or restrictions on thier visits -- and this setting of guidelines/restrictions also applies if the Grands have some sort of 'habit/behavior' (like alcoholism, smoking, doing drugs, etc) that would endanger the health or welfare of their grandchildren.

NO ONE should just 'pop in for a visit' -- that is EXTREMELY RUDE and INCONSIDERATE.

Answer 3

While I'm not a grandparent yet, I would find those guidelines and restrictions quite insulting. My daughter and I had a conversation a year ago about some issues we were facing at the time and she started to set some boundaries on any relationship I would have with my future grandchildren. It was a slap in the face without a doubt.

For one thing I would always encourage my grandchildren to respect the wishes of their parents, but in the end as with anyone else, I will have a relationship with ON MY TERMS.... or not at all. If asked, my answer would be "ask your mother".

I won't have that.

Answer 4

The question you ask is a difficult one to answer. I remember as a child grandma's was the place we went to to talk. We could tell her anything and we always felt better, she would let us eat ice cream for breakfast and not fret because playdoh got in the carpet. As a parent I know how hard it is when you feel that your mother or father is going against a wish or rule that you set for your child. My son has ADHD and after careful consideration we decided not to keep medicating and instead are fighting it with a strict diet, my mom on the other hand feels when he is in her house it is up to her. I don't like it and she knows this but when I look at it he is only there without me one night a month and if she wants to let him load up on sugar it isn't hurting him she just has to deal with it. To restrict their relationship is what would hurt him because all kids need that one person in their life that they feel is their rescuer and that they can be themselves with. My mother-in-law on the other hand carries it to the point that we can't go around her because she takes my husbands daughter's word as gospel and will not listen to the adults side of the story. In order to keep peace with grandparents you have to step back and look at the entire picture, is what they are doing causing harm to your child or just inconvenient to you, is your child happy and healthy. Grandparents have also went through the same thing remember they had you and had their parents doing it their way with you while they were trying to raise you and we turned out fine . As the saying goes pick your battles carefully and you will see the little things really don't matter.

Answer 5

Let's put it this way -- I (as a parent) feel I have the right to impose grandparent guidelines and restrictions if it's in the best interest of my child. I certainly feel that at the very least, grandparents should follow the rules set out by the parents.

My mother has no real restrictions with my kids. She makes the kids follow our rules. For example, she was visiting this past week and let our kids bring toys to the table with them. We told her we don't allow that, and it never happened again. She respects and never questions the rules we've set for the children. If she baby-sits, she follows our routines and our rules with the kids.

My mom acts this way because my grandmother (her mother) didn't act this way. She would cut our hair without permission, give us junk food right after my mom told her no -- she felt that she had the right to do whatever she wanted because she was the grandmother. My grandmother has done this with my kids, and I've really had to put my foot down with her.

Sadly, we have the same problem with my in-laws. Even worse, if my husband is trying to discipline the kids (telling them not to do something, putting them in the corner) my mother-in-law will reprimand him in front of the children, which totally undermines his authority as a parent. Believe me -- with a 2 and 3 year-old, authority is something we struggle with every day! Don't get me wrong -- my in-laws are not horrible people. For the most part they are good grandparents, and they certainly shower the kids with love and attention (as well as material things) but getting them to follow our rules has been a battle! Also, my mother-in-law is flaky in a lot of ways and doesn't always have the best judgment. She is a smoker, and would not follow our rule after we brought our daughter home from the hospital that she could not hold her if she had been smoking. She reeks of smoke, and I didn't want my newborn breathing the fumes off her clothing. Our pediatrician said it was dangerous. She refused, so we didn't allow her to hold our daughter if we could smell smoke on her. She didn't like it, but she finally stopped doing it while our daughter was small.

I also didn't allow her to baby-sit or be alone with the children for a long, long time because of her bad judgment. She speaks before she thinks and tends to say/do hurtful things. One day my son was misbehaving, and she said, "If you keep acting that way, we're going to leave you at the orphanage." That is a horrible thing to say to ANY child, but our son IS adopted. I don't want him to think he was left at the orphanage because he was "bad." Another time she left the bathroom door open (we always leave it shut) and the the toilet lid up, and my son (2 at the time) stuck his hands in the toilet. She grabbed him, slapped his hands, and said, "What are you doing you stupid, stupid boy!" Number one, no one has the right to hit our kids. Number two, no one has the right to tell them they're stupid and destroy their self-esteem (she did a good enough job on that with my husband).

So yeah, I think in some cases restrictions and guidelines are needed. As a parent, it's your job to protect your child from negative influences. It doesn't matter if these negative influences are neighbors, friends, or family -- the impact on the child is the same.

Answer 6

I am a parent & I think grand & greatgrandparents need restrictions. They have to understand that your rules are yours & they are your kids even when they are with them. Sometimes the things I tell my kids go into one ear & out the other especially when it is something the do not want to hear, they just go to my mother or grandmother to get the answer they want. So I think it is better to set restrictions b/c it could get out of hand.

Answer 7

Grandparents definetaly need guidelines. My boyfriends mom keeps cutting my daughters hair without me knowing or even asking me. My boyfriend won't say anything to her and I don't want to hurt her feelings. It makes me soooo mad when she does that!

Answer 8

Yes I do, I think alot of times they want to overstep their boundaries. I feel they should maybe voice an opinion but don't order or try and take over.

Answer 9

I think it depends on what exactly you are viewing as transgressions. They need to respect your decisions as parents, but I also think that they should be able to spoil the grandkids on occasion as well. Can you be more specific?

Answer 10

im gonna be a parent soon. i think what i do with my child and the rules i have that they should abide by them. i dont want them letting my kid get away with something that i wouldnt