Parenting 102 : Joint Custody Question:?

Question

I have two sons from a marriage that is now dissolved. She moved out on us. She has had two boyfriends since moving out and her current one and herself are struggling financially. They live in a one room motel room.

Problem I am having is my kids are resenting the fact that they can pretty much do whatever they want at their mom's, and I have rules. It's becoming a huge behavior problem as well. I have relented and given them a more flexible time with watching television and what not, but her policies of constant tv time and whatever they want for food, are very different then mine and I strongly feel this way.
I have primary custody she has visitation 2-3 times a week. What can I do to stop my kids from resenting me for not letting them have unlimited tv and video games?

Thank you two great answers so far. I agree that I can't "force" her style of parenting. I just hope its not emotionally damaging to a point of non-reversal.

Answer 1

Oh my son tries to pull that crap too! "Well my DAD lets me eat in front of the TV!"

I just say: I am not your dad. Do you see this nice house, this fridge full of good food, those nice clothes on your back and toys to play with? All of that came from me. I do all of this stuff for you and all I ask in return is that you behave yourself.

Unfortunately you can't stop the mom from seeing the kids and you can't choose the way she parents. You just have to make the best out of what you have.

Answer 2

What you need to do is explain your reasons for your rules, which I am sure are good ones. You don't need to disparage the fact that their mother lets them do anything they want, at least not directly. But when you explain that you are concerned for their healthy development, and too much TV and video games (or MySpace, or whatever) is limiting to their minds and bodies. If they bring up the contrast with their mother, point out that since she only has them occasionally (and I would make it less often, if I were you), the harm is less and she can afford to indulge them.

I would even say that you reduce their TV watching still further -- or throw the darn thing out the window, frankly -- since they do little else when they are with their mom.

And as to eating whatever they want, same thing: you need to be all the more firm about what's healthy, without actually saying that their mom does not care about healthy. More, the junk food is cheaper, and since they are in a motel room, she can't cook for them.

After all, what else is there to do in a dorky little motel room except watch TV and eat snack foods? Your ex could be taking them out interesting places if she cared. There's enough free places they could go, and you could even front the fees for them to go somewhere special: pay for the kids, not their mom. She has to show SOME responsibility, after all.

Have you had a talk with the judge or social worker assigned to the custody issues in court? This sounds decidedly unwholesome to me. Perhaps there is a way to get their mother to meet them somewhere other than the motel room she shares with her latest boyfriend.

Answer 3

Unfortunately that is just the way it is when the parents aren't together. Be careful because the kids realize that they can play each parent and manipulate, and believe me they do.

Just stick to your rules and do what you think is best for your children in your home. Don't worry about them "resenting" you. If you are a good parent your kids will dislike you at some point in time.

You can try to talk to your ex in a civil manner about the rules you have at home and try to come to some compromise you both can agree to when they are with her.

Remember she will always be their mother, and you will always have to deal with her in some way so it's best to try to make it as civil as possible for the children's sake.

Answer 4

I have the same problem with my ex. He gets time with my son overnight on wed and every other weekend (yeah thats a bit ridiculous) and they have NO rules and pretty much let him run amuck. Anyways, we (me and my husband) have refused to back down on our rules and he pretty much hates us most of the time, but i'm not going to let my child run my life. my son pretty much rules the other parents house and that will not stand in this house. My husband and I both feel that eventually my (our) son will come to appreciate and understand why we will not give in and might someday realize that his real dad just didn't care enough to keep him in line. Don't back down on your rules. Your kids will learn they get what they want just because "mommy lets us do it". Stand up and you will get through this.

Answer 5

I don't know if you are able to speak with your ex but perhaps if you let her know that it is in the children's best interest for you both to be consistent in your parenting styles. It is difficult enough for children in these situatons. You are both the parents and this is not a competition.I can appreciate your frustration and by your ex not supporting your rules she is unknowingly ( or knowingly) being devisive.Try to be consistent in your expectations from your children, you may be the only constant in their life.Good luck.

Answer 6

You can't force her, but you can discuss w/ her the type of parenting that you believe is best for your children, Then maybe you can come to some kinda common ground on expectations and such. My ex and I fought alot at first, b/c of our own anger and hurt, but once we got past all that we realized we both wanted what was best for our children. Now we try to co-parent as much as we can, (we are both remarried), and it has helped the transition f/ one home to the other tremendously.

Answer 7

I haven't been in a joint custody situation (we have full custody of my stepson), but here is a good site with knowledgeable people

Answer 8

in your house its your rules no ifs ands or buts