My husband didn't call for 5 days. Am I over reacting?

Question

My husband took a long distance job 9 months ago. He only comes home 6 days a month if that. He used to call me just about everyday. Within the last month, there was a span where he didn't call me for 5 days. He sent a few emails here and there in that time, but that's it. We had a disagreement that week, but I didn't find that was acceptable, and told him so. Hence, I had also told him I was depressed, lonely, and in counseling about our long distance relationship in general. Well, now he's done it again. Another 5 days w/o calling bc we can't see eye to eye on his remaining out of state and not considering my feelings. I told him not calling for 5 days was a deplorable way to treat his spouse. His only comment was. "If YOU want to talk, then you CAll me." I also told him he's the one that wanted to work out of state he should be doing his damnest to try and sustain this relationship and make it work. Any thoughts?

Answer 1

My Friend,

Distance can tax any relationship, irrespective of how strong it's base may be. Your frustration and your husband's frustration are only beause of this distance. I suggest, if you want to have a healthy married life, that both of you either work a way to meet more often (you fly down a few days in a month) or you look for a job in the city your husband is working in. Trust me, the miles between the both of you adds to all the misunderstanding, and mis communication. I understand how you feel, I've been thru it too. 5 days seems very long, and yes, you have every right to question him on it, but men, sometimes think women are silly, and the small things don't matter to them as much as it matters to us.

Also, my friend, if you are depressed, you should try to keep yourself occupied with something new or different. Try joining dance or yoga classes. Trust me, these are the best stress and depression busters.

If you need someone to talk to, you can talk to me. Mail me at [e-mail]

Don't worry. Goodluck, and Happy New Year!

Answer 2

It's hard to maintain a long distance relationship, but it does go both ways dear.. and if all you are both doing each time you talk is arguing, or bringing up the negative feelings... then it might not be something he would want to do very often... Why not call him and just tell him you love him and support him in his choice of job for right now! I'm sure your counselor would be telling you to focus on the positive too, and to find something to do that makes you happy while he is gone away! Don't live your life depending on your spouse for your happiness, find your self... in other words, get a hobby... or a part time job you enjoy doing... volunteer at some school or community service to keep you busy! Find something you can do to help others and you will be so busy and happy you won't have time to be worrying about too much else... Show your sweetheart that you are not dependent on him, but that you still want him around when he is here... You will both be much happier in the long run... and he will appreciate your understanding and maturity! If you try this, you will see how much better it is than all the loneliness and depression... you might not even need the counselor anymore... but they are good to talk to and it's confidential! Good luck dear, I hope you make it work out for both of you.... I am sure he is worth keeping, after all, you married him because you loved him....

Answer 3

Well, it's difficult to analyse any of this. It's really personal first off, but secondly, you didn't really give enough details to really try to figure out what is going on.

Firstly, why are you not with him? Nine months is a long time to be apart. Secondly once you ARE apart, it just gets easier and easier to adjust to BEING apart. Hence his not calling you everyday anymore.

He's right in saying if YOU want to talk to call him. You should! If you are always waiting for him to initiate stuff he is going to get sick of that. He may feel enough pressure working away from home already (do you have kids too?) and frankly it has to be difficult for both of you being apart like that. If he starts feeling guilty too maybe he won't be able to handle that and will simply start to put you out of his mind, and maybe that is why he isn't calling you....he can't deal with what he knows he is going to get.

By falling apart you might actually start to lose him. I think if you were to be comfortable about the situation, use your conversations to be intimate (you know a little phone sex and email/IM'ing could actually help your relationship) maybe you wouldn't feel so lonely and even build anticipation for his seeing you next and you could go there too you know. Work if you can, keep busy and save the money for an occasion surprise visit to HIM.

I know it must be very difficult but you should be using this time to go out and have fun with your single girlfriends and rediscover yourself too. You're not cheating by simply having fun out, and even in the worst scenario, if you should lose your husband you will still have retained some of your own self identity and maybe even made some friends, maybe even some male friends, whom would be happy to catch you when you fall.

Life is tough, there are never any easy answers...this is why and where infidelity can come into the picture too here...so whatever the END result will be to all of this, you will have to accept that you are human...if it ends up he has done something while away (or you, or both) then you will just have to deal with it.

You have to play the hand life gives you and often it's not easy and sometimes not even within your control, but if you really love one another and are strong, you can find your way back....you may both be changed, but better changed and together than broken and apart. I think that will be up to you. You have to partially be prepared in your mind for the possibility of both.

But I think if you are honest with your husband, and not whiney and making him feel guilty of being so far away and feeling pressured to always contact you, that you will fare better long term.

Use this time as a growing opportunity for yourself and it will give you more to talk about and offer to your husband.

Answer 4

Well, yes and no. I am sure that if you had objected to him working out of state he would not have gone. A relationship takes both people to work at it. H is doing this because, presumably, he cannot get a job closer to home so needs to make some money for the both of you. Have you considered that he is depressed and lonely, missing you, missing home and just possibly, feeling unwanted because you haven't picked up the phone to tell him you love him and miss him or emailed him. What you guys have right now is a Mexican stand-off. If you want this marriage to work long distance then both of you need to put some effort into it. If the long distance thing is going to wreck your marriage then you need to be together.

Answer 5

Well have you ever thought about making a compromise and go 50/50 with him. Like you call him some and he can call you some sorta like every othrer day not everyday. Don't know why he choose to work out of state but if he's really working sometimes time and things you are liable to forget and making him mad about it isn't helping. But I can relate with you too. He should at least try to call you more often. But fighting never solved anything. Next time he's in town you and him sit down and talk about what's happening and make a compromise because to make a marriage or any relationship takes both persons to make a compromise and communicate with each other. Also if it's possibl e why don't you just move with him. It will save alot of arguing.

Answer 6

Well...

He does have a point, you know. Marriage IS a two-way street. Now while I'm quite sure you know that, you COULD call him in those five-day spans... and that might well be his point. If he's doing all the calling (and thus all the "running"), don't you think his ego needs a little bit of egging on as well?

He's not handling this too well from the sounds of it, but then, neither are you.

But this sounds like fairly normal strain that you get with long-distance relationships; you two really ought to get together for a month at least, if you ask me! A good solid period of time together to get everything back solid would do a world of good.

Answer 7

I beleive that a relationship is a two way street it takes two to make it work. Trust is a large part of any relationship, If you don't have trust you dont have anything.Do you trust your partner? have you had reason to doubt him.? Have you spoken about his work load and why he has not been able to make comunication?
When you last spoke to each other was it in anger?

For a long distance relationship to work there must be a large amount of commitment from both sides.

If you have fears check them out.
Plan a suprise visit to him, Get interested in him as a person, learn about what he does.
And most importantly talk to your partner about these issues, dont argue listen to what is being said and how it is being said.
You should know your partner better than anyone. And a women knows when she is being cheated on and from your letter i feel this is what you are asking. Only your partner can answer that.
And only you know if this is where you want to be. if it is not what you want then you need to do something about it and move forward for the better, be true to your self living in doubt is not a good move for anyone.

Answer 8

Marriage is a two way street. You are sitting by the phone getting mad at him. He is working, doing his job and providing you with a home and a chair and all the other things around you. He is lonely and needing to know that you care about him too. Picking a fight don't solve the problem. He took a job that you did not say no. Now you have a problem. Call him. Do things to let him know you miss him. Don't fight. Or he will find someone who is not having a problem with him working and providing for. You need to fill your life with ways to make those quiet moments full. And remember, he is doing this for you. Not to you. When he comes home make it special, meals, nights alone and memories that will keep him coming home and maybe more often for those special times. lol... Good luck

Answer 9

It’s your responsibility to call him if you want to talk to him. Marriage is a partnership and both people’s responsibility to call the other. Don’t understand why you feel it’s completely his responsibility cause he “left the nest” to earn money. You have some serious insecurity issues you need to address and resolve. It’s his responsibility to support you but not your insecurity issues/lack of self esteem. Those are things you need to work on for yourself. If you can not be happy alone how can you be happy with him there?

Known lots of people in long distance relationships and they adjusted to and overcame all the normal issues involved in LDR’s. You can too, but you have to want to! Sounds like you’re all about yourself and not considering the situation maybe hard for him too. But he IS working to earn MONEY to support you and the relationship right?

Answer 10

NO your not over reacting. It is goog that you are going to counseling. I am a man if if he hasn't called you in 5 days, something is wrong. (unless he is in a situation that will not allow it) Espically if he can get to a computer and email you. If he can take the energy to email you then he needs to call.