Should I forgive him?

Question

My dad and i don't talk I can't even remember the last time we had a conversation. He drank and did drugs. When i was about 5-6 my parents broke up their still married to this day and i'm 18. I lived with him when I was 12 and it was horrible he always drank spent all the money at the bar and the pool tournamants... I was always at my mom's so she asked me if i wanted to move back in shortly after both my sisters did as well.... When i was little I always wanted them to get back together then after living with him I realized why him and my mom broke up and am glad.... He never remembers my birthday but remembers my sisters. Tells my sister he wants to see me and such and sometimes i want to see him to but then i think about it... if he really loved me he would come talk to me. The only reason he quit drinking is because his g/f wouldnt take him back unless he quit... my mom told me it's up to me but she understands why I won't (he's never tried to be in my life). Is this wrong?

Answer 1

It's liberating to forgive....however, this does not mean you have to take him in to your life in any way and forget what he did.

Forgiving means you let go of the anger....and to be honest, it's really more for you, so I hope you can.

Answer 2

You are hurt, you love your dad but u are still hurt, it is understandable that you feel that way. One day though you need to find a way for forgive him because regardless he is your dad. Did you try to be the strong one and go up to him? Talk to him in peace, maybe he feels bad, embarressed of all he did to you and dont know how to get close to you. It doesnt really matter why he stopped drinking (think about it) at least he finally did, and that is a step, even if its a too late step. Maybe more steps can be made for him to be a better person now. Are you willing to give him more chances and see if he wants to be in your life now like he should? Its so many things to think about. I know you have all the rights to feel the way you do, but if now he is finally making the moves, and you still love him but is still hurt, maybe you two can work this out together little by little. Talking is always a start, but its not easy I know, maybe try writing a long letter to him, and see if he comes and talks to you or you can go to him. I feel you want him in your life but you just still so hurt. Try and think through what is what you want with your dad overall, and take it from there.

Answer 3

I think at some point if you want closure and healing you will need to confront your father and have a frank conversation about the impact his substance abuse and neglect had on your life. This conversation would also include your forgiveness, meaning you don't approve of his past behavior but you're letting go of holding on to all of the negativity that surrounds it. By doing this you are freeing both yourself and your father. You are moving on with your life. After this process only you can determine what type of a relationship you want with your father, if any. What I sense though is that now may not be the time to do this. It sounds like you need to sort out some of this emotional wreckage before you confront your father , either alone or with the help of a therapist/counselor.
I would also recommend the book:"Left toTell" by Immaculee Ilibagiza. In it she relates the horror of living through the Rwanda
genocide, losing most of her family. Her healing of this nightmare comes when she confronts the man responsible for her families death and is able to utter through tear stained eyes,"I forgive you."

Answer 4

It's not wrong to want your dad to love you. That is a very normal human being need. Your dad is supposed to love you and protect. Unfortunately your dad is very immature and selfish or he would sacrifice for you rather than sacrifice you and your family. You can't change him and you can't make him love you, no matter what you do.
Since he has failed to be the mature on, it's up to you to step up to the plate and be the adult here.
Sure, call him but don't expect a call back. You are going to have to accept the fact that until he decides to change and grow up you will never have the father/daughter relationship you dreamed of, and that may never happen. Your job now will be that when you become a parent to be committed to your spouse and your children so that they don't have to go through this. It was never your fault - the responsibility was completely on his shoulders.
Now, should you forgive him? Absolutely. Studies have proven that those who walk around with grudges and unforgiveness in their hearts are unhappier, unhealthier and unable to be the best parent and spouse that they can be. Forgiving doesn't say it was okay for him to be that way, it releases you to be all that you can be. You can't have true inner peace without forgiveness. Forgiveness is all about you, not him

Answer 5

My dad died when I was 11 and he was an amazing father. Ususally I have a hard time listening to people "complain" about their parents seeing as I now have neither; but I truly believe that a bad father in a kid's life is way worse than no father at all. That goes for both parents. If you do choose to cut him out of your life do so and be done with it. You never really forgive if you hold a grudge. I You have to be ready to let it go. Saying that you'll forgive him won't magically make all the hurt go away.

Answer 6

You can't have a relationship with an alcoholic. If you want him to be a part of your life, then you have to give up your expectations. He cannot be a father to you. I'm sure it pisses you off that he stopped drinking for his girlfriend; but not for you, his own child.

Even if he doesn't drink, he is not well. He cannot be a responsible adult and is incapable of mature interaction. He is unable to deal with emotions and will become either sarcastic, belittling, or hostile when any conversation or activity makes him uncomfortable. He will withdraw, as he has done for most of your life. It is likely that your genuine interest in becoming a part of his life will cause him grief and shame becuase he knows that he is a failure. He doesn't forget your birthday, he just doens't have what it takes to meet you on your level.

Answer 7

I feel you! My mom abandoned me and my brother several times. My dad raised us loved us and always left the doors of comunication open for her. All she had to do was call. She won all the furniture in the divorce and half interest in the house. My mom actually tried to get my dad to sell the house and came over the day before Thanksgiving and took our furniture. The she tells me and my brother we can go to her house on Thanksgiving to eat. We stayed home with our father and ate take out on a coffee table. ( she took the oven ) So I tried to forgive her several times but each time I do she tries to screw me over again. I have come to the realization that she is not normal. She has a screw loose she is selfish and she will never change. I will never have anything to do with her again and I made my peace with that a long time ago. I don't hate her I don't feel any obligation to her either. I guess you could just learn to let him go. Don't emotionally wreck yourself to have a relationship with him. You are not obligated to have anything to do with him. He will only hurt you more. Just be happy with your mom at least you have one parent who cares..some people don't even have that.

Answer 8

It is important to forgive your dad. Not so much for his benefit but for your own.

It is your father's loss, and I feel your hurt as a similar event happened to me. When you don't forgive, it eats away at you. You know the saying "you are what you think"? Well, forgive him and pray for him and you will have a burden lifted off of your shoulders.

In my opinion you sound like a gem.

This forgiving your father doesn't mean you will forget. Just as long as noone is influencing you to NOT forgive your dad. Other people have a way of wanting to get on your good side by saying what you want to hear, not what you need to hear.

I wish I had a daughter like you. We'd be bestest of friends as well as dad and daughter.

Answer 9

It's a damaging, unhealthy relationship for you. You should forgive him in order to shake off the pain, but trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear will be even worse. Strengthen your other relationships, minimize your time with him, and above all, put your mind on other things.

Don't be suckered in by "real dad" and "only dad you have." If the only snake I have is a poisonous snake, I'm going to stand way back. Chasing him around waiting for his love is going to make a lot more bad memories for you. One day he may change, but it sounds like he needs a decade or two.

Answer 10

I don't think it's wrong...

If you don't want to see your dad, I TOTALLY see why. The only reason you may want to is because he is after all your flesh and blood. Maybe in time you'll find it okay to talk with him or see him for a bit...but you did just turn 18 and i think it's okay to want space

you never know, years later you just might forgive him...its too soon to mkake any judgements now

=)

Answer 11

I don't think what you feel is wrong. I don't think people change much from their bad habits. No matter what you do, this subject will always trouble you. Make peace with it for yourself. Stop trying to make him be someone he never will be. When you stop trying to fix him, you will find some resolution in your self. Forgive him for you, not for him. Try writing your feelings in a journal or get counseling to help you. Just know that you are not at fault.