We have been living together for a year and 8 months. When we first met (within the first two weeks) he told me that he could "see us growing old together." That is about as close as I have gotten to him verbalizing any kind of a future. When I finally got the courage up to ask him about his future goals reagarding our relationship(about 6 months ago), he said that he has "came close" to asking me to marry him, but then something always happens. Now I feel like even if he did ask me to marry him, that I would not say yes. I want to marry someone that KNOWS they want to marry me, not that has to think about it, or someone that makes me feel like I have to "audition" for the part. But here I am, still here. I wonder if I am just trying to prove to myself that I can make him want to marry me? Am I just wasting everyones time?
2006-12-31 10:44:38 · 45 answers · asked by sds5214 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
I am 32, divorced 5 years and have 2 kids 8 and 10. Their Dad remarried a year ago and I worry about the messages I am sending to them. They ask me all the time (mostly my youngest) when we are getting married. i never would have moved in if I thought we would still be where we are right now.
2006-12-31 11:07:50 · update #1
Hello... oh boy, here we go :)
You are going to get ALOT of responses to your question. But, listen to me: I have been proposed to by 3 different, sucessful, handsome men in the past 10 years--so I Know what I'm talking about.
First, you are Totally Right that you should marry a man who wants to be with you 2000% percent. You should not have to "audition" for the part, beg, plead, drop hints, etc. He should be begging to marry you.
You will not like what I'm about to say--but here it goes: The problem first began when you Moved In with him. I'm sorry, I know that 95% of people believe in "moving in" and "living together"---but what that does is give the man All The Power. He's getting all the milk for Free--so why should be Buy the cow? Think about it: he's getting free sex, free intimacy, a free housekeeper, and half his bills paid without him even saying the word marriage--what reason does he have to be in a rush to marry you?? He's living like a King right now, and I'll He has No Complaints right now. You've given away all your power, so now he has all the power to "decide" "when its time" to get married. The points are 4 to zero--and guess who's losing? You.
I didnt live with any of the men who proposed to me, I didnt even sleep with them; and one of the reasons why they proposed is because they knew if they wanted to get to my CandyShop they better take me to the preacher.
Listen, people will give me 10 thumbs down--but what I'm saying is true. Its been almost 2 years for you already. You are now 2 years older, are you going to give him another 2 years? How old are you now? Are you going to wait until you're 40?
Listen, its time to Move On. Stop waiting on him. The longer you wait, the worse its going to be. Look for a new apartment and move on. If he loves you, he'll give you a ring and set a date. If not, then you'll finally be free to find the man of your Dreams.
Good Luck
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EDIT---So, you have 2 kids and are divorced?? Hmm, well, just because you are a single mom, it doesnt mean that you're desperate and have to take whatever comes... As far as the message its sending to your kids, this is Not Good At All...This is teaching your son (if you have one) that women can be used and de-valued for pleasure. If you have a daughter, dont be surprised if she does the same thing when she's grown--because you are teaching her this is acceptable. This is lowering your daughter's self esteem as a woman..I can only imagine they arent happy to see mom being used. 8 and 10 year old are very smart--I'm a Teacher, I know.
2006-12-31 11:02:04 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
Times a wasting. If you want to be married and you know that he's not the one - giddy-up on out of there. It's very easy to get comfortable w/ the status quo. But you have goals and a future and if after 2 years you aren't both driving in the same direction then it's time to part ways. Dont' get caught waiting around. That statement about he was gonna, and then something always happens rubs me the wrong way too - but as you said, he's still there - w/o the commitment.
2006-12-31 10:48:42 · answer #2 · answered by workingclasshero 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its odd, because I just saw this on Dr. Phil. Honestly, it breaks down into two scenarios. Either, you tell him you are ready to discuss marriage, and if he is not ready, then you are gone. Or, you can continue on the path you are currently on. The thing is that some men have the mentality of "Why buy the cow if the milk is for free" you two probably do everything that a husband and wife would do for each other, without the double ring thing. Its like Dr. Phil said....he isn't doing anything wrong. You just have to decide whether you want to wait around, or put your foot down.
But also, its only been 2 years....a little more time wouldn't hurt.
2006-12-31 10:52:43 · answer #3 · answered by jennifer c 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was in a relationship similar to this. Generally men who reach the age of 38 with no marriages, or engagements are not looking for such a commitment. Living together may be the most he can commit to. If you want to be married, you deserve someone who will marry you because they can't live without you and need to be with you.
When I met the man who I married, he knew within a couple of months that he wanted to marry me.
Wishing you the best of luck.
2006-12-31 11:05:06 · answer #4 · answered by Michelle S 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I see that he's 38, but there's no indication of your age. Is this because you're significantly younger? Anys...Beleive it or not there is wisdom in what "old folks say" Why buy the cow if you;re getting the milk free? It's bad to say but usually someone that old (38) is non committal, it is because they feel no need to commit. Almost two years living together, and he's not sure..? It's decision time on your part, I think you already know (or you wouldn't have asked the question) but, the ball is in your court..
2006-12-31 10:56:49 · answer #5 · answered by saladin50 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to sit down and have a serious talk with him.A relationship should satisfy both partners involved. so you need to see what his ideas are for the future and why he may be putting off marriage.You obviously really want it, and just living together isnt enough for you so if you find out that maybe he just doesnt want to get married you should seriously consider if that is going to make you happy.or maybe you just are afraid to break up because then you will have to start over and you feel like youve wasted all this time with him that you just are "supposed" marry him.in any case do what is going to make you happy dont just try to marry him because you want to get married.
2006-12-31 10:52:17 · answer #6 · answered by ♥mama♥ 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you care about him and he cares about you, marriage does not have to be the only way to be together. Many people date and never get married and still live their lives together. If he's not the sort of person that needs marriage to symbolize the bond he feels with you, you might have to compromise with that. Getting married is not everything. If you feel taken advantage of you should share these feelings with him and get it all out in the open. You'll feel alot better even if he says something you don't want to hear.
2006-12-31 10:48:36 · answer #7 · answered by Heather 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to sit down and have a hear to heart talk with him.
If he doesn't want to marry and you do then I think it would be time to move on.
As a couple you have be be working for the same goals if you do not then all the work will be done by one and not really mean much as it always takes two people working together.
2006-12-31 10:48:05 · answer #8 · answered by zen522 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm a guy; take it from me:
You're NOT WASTING anyone's time. You're not "auditioning for the" role as the wife in his life either. But you do need to give him some time to think. Not just time to think about you, but everything involved in getting married. Its very complicated.
If you can't do that, then I'm sorry, but marriage is all about patience and comitment. If you can't realize that what i'm saying
is true, then you should be ashamed of yourself.
2006-12-31 11:03:36 · answer #9 · answered by dude guy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are definitely wasting your time with this "wishy-washy" joker. Either he has no intentions of ever marrying anyone or he knows that you're not the one he wants and is still looking. Either way you lose. Basically he's got a steady source of sex with no committment. "Something always happens" probably means that occasionally he sees the grass looking greener with someone else.
Move on with your life girl. This guy isn't worth your time.
2006-12-31 10:56:25 · answer #10 · answered by Johann 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋