My best friend who is an angel with enormous patience has a boyfriend who is addicted to a drug and is obsess-

Question

ed with "dumpster diving". She doesn't like him bringing home 95% gargage and storing the other 5% at her home, but she continues to allow him to do so because she reaps any goodies he does get. How can I help her see that she is a co-dependant in not leaving him? They never do anything or go anywhere together. He doesn't work; at least not a job that provides a paycheck. He dumpster dives to support his habit. He disappears for days at a time while she stays at home waiting for him. He has become less affectionate with her- more moody and loses his temper quickly. She wants to help him quit his drug habit but has gotten nowhere in the last two years. I'd love to see her smile and laugh more often. Can anyone help me help her? Jinxy53

gargage should be spelled: garbage.

Answer 1

Sounds like she needs help more than him!

What could be wrong with her that would make her want to stay with a guy like that?

Maybe she needs a boost in her self esteem.

It's noble that she wants to help him, but she should really get her own life in order and leave him and let him worry about himself.

Answer 2

What kinds of drugs?

I would imagine that when he brings her home a good case of Lice, scabies, AIDS or Hepatitis, then she will get the message all on her own.

Some people are angels (they usually make differences however and do not generally tend to enable an addiction or a mental illness) Mother Theresa was an angel, your friend sounds like a drama queen!

and then again, some people are just as addicted in different ways. Addicted to drama and attention they get for being seemingly benevolent and good hearted when all they really are is stupid! It takes a shaking of the foundations for someone to wake up and realize that you can care for someone, but it can be from a distance and therefore healthy for everyone involved.

Sounds like she will have to learn the hard way. Everyone learns in their own time and in their own measure.

Im sorry that you have to sit by and watch it...

Although... being the antique lover than I am and completely and totally un able to dumpster dive... Maybe he just serves his purpose? I would love to find a dirt bag that would be willing to dig up treasures for me! Tell her to have a yard sale!

Answer 3

Yes, you can get out of it, you just enjoy the drama too much. Sorry, but it's true. Here you have a woman in an impossible position expecting you to spend your money to save her from a situation she caused; and then blaming you because you won't help AND threatening suicide. First, I can't think of any definition of 'friend' that would cover her actions - she isn't your friend, she's just using you because you make yourself available. Next, since she is threatening the life of an unborn child, I would contact child protective services in your area, and tell them what she said. They'll have her committed until the child is born, and then take it into care, where it's MUCH more likely to get a decent life than this unstable woman will give it. Lastly, just STAY AWAY FROM HER. She is self destructive, and will hurt you too. Forget about her - she's a loser, and you deserve better in your life.

Answer 4

I'm sure that you've told her to break up with him. But this is really her decision. As long as the relationship is not harmful to her, then why should you try to change the situation. It's wonderful that you want to help her but it doesn't seem as though this situation is making it hard enough on her that she wants to break up with her boyfriend. On the other hand, if at any point in time he treats her in a negative way or she hints at the fact that she's thinking of breaking up with him take advantage of the opportunity, introduce her to some of your friends, talk to her about how she deserves better, do whatever you can to make things right

Answer 5

Codependency is a condition in which someone exhibits too much and often inappropriate, caring for a person. In most cases, the person the codependent is caring for is suffering from a drug or alcohol problem. (http://www.recoveryconnection.org/addiction/codependency.php)

Codependency begins when an individual goes against their own beliefs, desires and opinions in a relationship to make someone else pleased, or lives believing they need an outside person or substance to be whole. It could be known as operating with a false self.

Symptoms of Codependency in Addicted or Codependent Families

Dependent use of drug is the most important thing in a family life.
The root of problems for the whole is denial, rather than addiction or use of a substance.
Blaming others, making no mention of it, covering up, alibis, and loyalty to family, enables.
Nobody may openly discuss problems with others.
Nobody says what they feel or think.

How to Help a Codependent Loved One.

Learn facts about chemical dependency and codependency.
Go to counseling or visit AA.
Encourage your loved one to get involved in new activities.
Refrain from preaching and lecturing.
Never approach with a holier than thou attitude.
Don't make threats.
Expect total recovery to take time.
Keep from over protecting your loved one from alcohol or drugs. The choice has to be theirs.
Ensure honesty, stay away from being deceitful or going behind your loved ones back.
Let your loved one find their way to overcoming the codependency.

Symptoms of Codependency

Repression.
Care taking.
Low self esteem.
Obsession.
Denial controlling.
Little communication.
Weak or no boundaries.
Anger.
Sexual problems.
Lack of affection.

(http://www.recoveryranch.com/default.asp?page=codependency)

Another great website with detailed info:
http://drirene.com/codepend1.htm

I hope this helps you understand the situation better. Unfortunately, it won't help your friend unless she wants it to. That's the problem with co-dependency. The one person doesn't acknowledge a problem with drug addiction, and the other person doesn't acknowledge having an addiction to creating an environment for the addicted one to keep being addicted! One's addicted to a chemical, the other is addicted to the idea of nurturing that person at any cost. The situation needs professional help. I know, I was in her place a few years back.

Answer 6

well, she may have to someday put her foot down on the issue...he probably is a good guy, with drugs in him...he will drain her and possibly cause her problems with the police, is my concern....you may have to intervene in a sneaky way, and alert the police and ask them about it,...without her knowing. You can tell them that he is a druggy and is putting her at risk, and she is being conned by him...maybe if you could have him picked up and put in jail for drugs, he might stop doing them for a while...I would be praying on this one all the time...try to see the good in him and let you friend handle this,..you may have to tell her you won't be her friend anymore, because you fear this guy is going to cause problems with the police, and then mean it...she might wake up

Answer 7

introduce her to nice new single guys. then hang out as a group thing, maybe she will get to know one of them better. just get her out of there and spend lots of time doing things where she can meet new people. that way she can have fun and she will know what fun she is having with other guys and not him.

Answer 8

You can try to get her to an al-anon meeting. You can rent her the movie "When a man loves a woman". You can have her watch the A&E special "Intervention". It is on every Sunday night.
I wish you and her luck.

Answer 9

your friend is in big trouble, try to make her see that if she doesn't end this relationship immediately, she will be in way over her head, if she isn't already,, i know from experience, please help her !!!!!!!!besides, are the goodies she reaps, really worth having? c'mon , they came from a dumpster! 2 years? its going to be difficult, but if she doesn't stop,, it ll only get worse , its hard stop tweeken, but it can be done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 10

let her se dont say anthing she wil have to learn taht all by herself. Because in order to learn she has to make a mistake