Need mother's advice about teenagers........help please?

Question

OK ladies, need all the help you can give. My daughter is 14 yrs. old and her father and her aren't getting along very well. She is constantly disrespecting him and is somewhat very resentful and angry at him. To say the least, they don't communicate very well. This trickles down to me, since my husband blames her behavior on me. I find myself caught in the middle of their dirft. He accuses me of spoiling her and giving her to much lead way. We are close my daughter and I. As to say that she is very open when it comes to telling me everything that is going on in her life. However I often draw the line and remind her that first and for most I'm still her mom and it bothers me that she disrespects her father and I urge her to talk to him and resolve whatever it is that is bothering her. He gets very angry at me for having such a close relationship with her. This is bothering me a lot since I don't think it is unatural for me to be close to her as we are. Any thoughts..Thanks

Answer 1

I feel for you... I have 3 teens. My oldest daughter is now 18 and sometimes, we don't realize that what's going on is supposed to go on. When my daughter was 14, the same thing started happening around our house. And it's now happening with my 14 yr old son and I can see the beginnings of it with my 13 yr old daughter, too. I wasn't as lucky, cause Yahoo answers didn't exist then... Here's what I've learned, thru reading lots of books, getting counseling and taking courses from child rearing specialists:

1. It's normal for a child to want to become independant. They start at around the age of 14.... by becoming rebellious. It is a phase and it will pass. What counts is what the whole family learns from this and how they deal with it.

2. A girl gets her self-esteem from how her dad sees her. So if her dad isn't seeing her in a good light, lets her know and never tells her how great, pretty, intelligent, etc., she is, the girl will grow into a woman with low self-esteem.... and we both know where that can lead.

3. Girls usually have closer relationships with their moms...and boys are usually closer to their dads. It's normal. It also means that the dad needs to make a conscious effort to create a closer relationship with his daughter. Basically, they have to work more at it. Fighting with her, maybe feeling jealous a bit about your closeness with your daughter won't help her dad build anything but resentment.

4. Teens don't hear what we're saying... and parents don't hear what the teen is saying. Oh we hear the words... as do our teens... but the way we think differently turns everything into something else. So when you actually say to your daughter: "Hey... don't you think your skirt is a little too short?", the daughter hears either: "Geez... you really look cheap!" or "You're not old enough to dress that way." They don't hear: "I'm worried if you go out looking that sexy that something bad will happen to you." And when a teen says to us: "I'm going there whether you want me to or not!", we as parents hear: "I don't have to listen to you." and not "Hey, come on mom & dad, have a little faith in me... I'm trying to be responsable and I promise I won't get in trouble or do something I know is wrong."

Sometimes, as parents, we forget that we need to let our kids grow into their own life, based on what we've taught them so far. We should remember that our kids are intelligent, that they can make good choices and they will. If only we have enough confidence in them... and ourselves for having parented them the way they are.

5. A lot of dads work outside the home. It's true that a lot of moms work outside the home too. But as moms, we still have (and this is society dictating this, not me...) the responsibility and the second job at home. Being moms. We're there when our kids are sick, we go to the parent teacher meetings, we take the day off work when our child is sick, we are home more often to discipline them. So it's no surprise that when a dad finally wants to put his foot down, after not having done so because it was left more often to the mom, that the child will take and attitude that says: Hey.... bugger off! You weren't around teaching me before this... You gave up that right when I was little.... So you see, dads need to take a more important role in raising their children. But sometimes, they don't get that... And that makes it harder in the teen years.

6. I've learned that no matter what I tell my daughter about her dad, she'll still end up making up her own mind and using her own judgement. It only makes things worse to get in the middle. I hopped out of the middle when I gave my husband the book Raising Ophelia" to read. The middle is not a good place to be. Not for you, not for your husband, and not for your daughter. Get out. Now. Go to this site:

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw/105-8191649-1566849?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=reviving+ophelia

Good luck.... and remember, the children we have are only lent to us... they do have their own lives... and tho they did not have the choice to be born or when to die (usually...), they do have the choice on how to live their lives and what they do with them. Sonner or later, your daughter will figure out what she's reaching for in the relationship with her dad... Let's hope dad's up to it..

Happy New Year.... wishing you happiness and peace inside...

Answer 2

Wow!!! I'm sorry that you are having such trauma in your family. My thoughts on the issue is that it is good that you are that close to your daughter. I do think that the issue between her and her father needs to be resolved, but first the real issue needs to be uncovered. I also think that no child should be allowed to be disrespectful to there father or mother and that there needs to be real consequences for the child when that happens, and I don't think that is happening in your household. It is cool to be a friend to your daughter, but your daughter has lots of friends, your job is to give her direction and not let her be disrespectful to her dad. I'm sure he will appreciate it, and eventually she will also.

Well I hope this helps as you are searching for the true answers to what her issues with her father really are. If the two of you are that close, maybe she can tell you why she is so angry.

Answer 3

She is 14. Her year to think her Dad is a dork. Next year she could have a complete different opinion. It might be better or it might not but it will be different. Don't you remember 14? Everything was a tragedy. They cry over nothing. She is going through a lot of changes right now both physically and emotionally. Just make sure that it is normal kid stuff and her Dad has not done something to her if you know what I mean? It does happen so keep your eyes open and reassure her that she can tell you anything and you will believe her.

Answer 4

Wow my brother is going through the same thing your husband is. You to need to be united with your husband. Anything you disagree with should be discussed in private away from your daughter. You are her mother not her best friend. That part will come once she is an adult. You can still be close to your daughter and be an effective parent.

Answer 5

it sounds like some family counseling would really help. Maybe he was the one who did most of the disciplining or maybe since she has a closer relationship to you she feels uncomfortable talking to him about certain things so naturally she is going to be more disrespectful although, you should have her stop. Maybe they need to have some father daughter time to get there relationship a little better than what it is.

Answer 6

I have heard that the biggest influence in a childs life is "The same sex parent" Thats you. so no, you can never be too close. I think she is probably blamming her dad for the fact that you and he are not getting along. After all you are wonderful in her eyes, and she is asking herself what is wrong with him for not adoring my mom? She probably expects him to "Fix" it between the two of you. (thats what her disrespect is saying, and he is not hearing) I just think she is taking the whole thing personally, she should be daddys little girl, and the three of you should be happy! That is all she wants. She is in the middle of this mess and needs to be taken out.......Fast

Answer 7

Sounds pretty normal to me for a 14 year old. It's just that puberty thing. Don't worry too much, they'll become best friends one day...seemingly out of nowhere. (I know because I was the same way!)

Answer 8

I think he somewhat resents you for having this relationship with her because his and hers are suffering. I would let him know how important it is to you for the both of them to resolve their differances. Call a family meeting.

Answer 9

It sounds like your husband is jealous of the relationship that you have with your daughter and is taking out is frustrations with it on her. I don't mean to be offensive but I'm sure your daughter is developing and becoming attractive. Maybe your husband is supressing attraction to her and he feel's guilty about it.

Answer 10

It sounds like your husband is jealous of the relationship that you have with your daughter and is taking out is frustrations with it on her.
who ever said this i agree but for teen to be doin this its normal at this age