What should I expect to happen??

Question

Hey, Please read the add'l details and answer.

My g/f was raped by a two close friends about 6 months ago. She has been through consuling and all. She is becoming her normal self again. She has been asking me is I am ok eventhough we haven't had sex and I said yes, I am fine. She says she really wants to have sex. Should I?? How should I expect her to react??(ie- will it remind her of the last guy, will she be freaked out from flashbacks)
I want to do what will help her and she says this will.

Please give me some advice!! (thanx!!)
Sometimes when I touch her a certain way, she still get freaked out. I have told her I won't leave her if we don't have sex, but she still wants to have sex. Should I??

I don't want to cause her more pain than I would be helping her.

I have told her many times I could wait forever but she still wants to.

Answer 1

Of course you should. If she is not ready then she will tell you. If she is telling you that she is ready then perhaps she's ready to move on. Maybe the first time or two will be difficult but she needs to be able to disassociate sex from that experience. Good luck and give her what she wants. Could be therapeutic. '-)

Answer 2

This is a very touchy subject. Were you and your girlfriend having sex before this happened? If so, and she is asking, she may be afraid that you may not want her anymore. When a person is raped, the may feel worthless, unclean, unlovable, cheap..etc. She wants and needs the reassurance that you still find her desirable. If you decide to go ahead and have sex with her, TAKE YOUR TIME! She may flinch back, she may change her mind in the middle and say no. If she does this, you have to understand that it is not you that she is rejecting. You must stop and let her take the lead or quit if that is what she wants. She has to work through this in her own way. It may not be comfortable for you, but go along if you really love her. Knowing that she can trust you will go a long way in her recovery.

Answer 3

Your girlfriend's wanting to have sex with you now is part of her trauma of being raped. She definitely needs to stay in counseling or get more of it.

She could be afraid of losing you after being raped so she is offering herself to you. That's not a good thing. She needs a lot of healing before she can move on.

Please continue to be patient and understanding with her. Encourage her with the counseling. She will get through it all, but it takes time.

All the best to you both.

(By the way I noticed you didn't say if this was reported. I certainly hope it was and that justice was carried out. NO ONE has the right to force themselves onto another person - EVER.)

Answer 4

Hey it might take a long time for her to be OK, she might tell you she wants to have sex because she wants you to feel OK, but in reality - I'd bet that sex is the last thing she really wants to do. After all you say that if you just touch her a certain way she gets freaked out. If you really like this girl then get ready for the long haul, it might take awhile for this to straighten out.

Answer 5

I think she wants to have sex so she can feel like it really is a normal experience. If she still has reactions to you touching her, she's emotionally not ready. As an abuse victim I can tell you it never fully goes away, sometimes smell triggers my memory of my attacker. But as time goes on it will get easier. What she really wants is security. Wait until you're engaged (at least) to have sex. It's an even bigger deal for her than a "regular" person.

Answer 6

That's sad. I think you shouldn't have sex with her if she keeps freaking out everytime you touch her. She needs more time to get over that. You just need to be there for her and don't leave her. I know she says she wants to have sex but she's afraid you'll leave her if you don't but you just have to keep being there and not pushing her. She's trying to be brave and trying to move on and forget about this but the more she tries and if you can't even touch her without her freaking out then she's not over it. Just prove to her that you won't leave her and wait until her actions show not just her mouth that she's over it and ready to have sex. Sometimes women never get over stuff like that happening to them I mean I've heard this but some do and just give her time and be there for her. You and her don't need to be doing it until she can do it without freaking out and it bring back horrible memories of that attack.

Answer 7

Maybe not right away. I would wait until she is VERY comfortable. This had to have been very tragic and scary for her. But if you are gentle and caring (when she is ready for sex), i don't think it will freak her out. Just make sure to go slow, and make sure she is okay with what you are doing. Good Luck, and i'm sorry this happened to your girlfriend. You are are such a good boyfriend to her. She is lucky to have you in her life.

Answer 8

Go with her to counselling also, work on this together, see what her doctor says. you are doing all you can. I think also. for the sake of closure, were the rapist brought up on charges? was the police involved? if they are in jail she might feel better. Be there for her like you are doing now. I hope it gets better for you, good luck.

Answer 9

You have to be patient. Sex should not be attempted or considered.If you truly lover her then......... be patient. You are in a very difficult situation but her's if even worse. Good luck.

Answer 10

Love her. Be gentle. Let her be in control of how fast or slow it goes. That way she'll be more comfortable and won't feel threatened.