Can you please tell me your opinion about this intro to my story?

Question

When I arrived at the city of Goland, a few hours before the beginning of the events that led to the destruction of the world, I was awfully happy.
Back home people used to say that if you hadn't been to Goland, you hadn't seen a thing. After a whole month spent on board of sailboats and on horse backs I was finally there, a young gawky foreigner from the southern lesser civilized chiefdoms, walking along the streets of the capital of the world's greatest kingdom, enjoying my life, wasting my money and having absolutely no idea that I was about to witness the end of mankind.

The city almost gobbled me up as I stared with awe at all those taverns, brothels, and towering enigmatic ruins in which ancient people had once lived before gods went to war. I visited as many of those sites as I could, and listened to all the myths related to them---------

Myths about how the gods fought among each other and destroyed the world of man, and how a few of the kinder gods have saved the best of men by hiding them in the sky, then bringing them down later to repopulate the world. I was amazed at the similarity between those legends and the ones my own people tell back home.

At the end of the day, when I arrived at the inn I was to spend the night in, I was thoroughly exhausted but very cheerful. I had a short conversation with the inn keeper about the famous flirty Goldandian girls during which we managed to insult each other rather thoroughly. He mocked me by saying that a fine looking young guy like me would have no problem getting to bed with the local prostitutes as long as pigs flied. I responded by telling him that he could take his prostitutes and his pigs and stuff them up a certain part of his anatomy.

Then I went to bed, totally unaware that I had just triggered the nightmarish chain of events that eventually led to the collapse of civilization as I know it and the total eradication of man kind . . . again!
I laid my head on the pillow, closed my eyes, and went to sleep with a serine smile on my face.

Yet during the two seconds that passed between the moment I opened my eyes again the next morning and the moment a wet, funny smelling, handkerchief descended upon my face and sent me back to sleep, I managed to develop my first eerie notion that something wrong was about to happen to me.

Few hours later, I woke up screaming as a result of being deliberately placed in the path of the cold rushing contents of a bucket of water. I was totally clueless as to what was happening to me. I was also suffering a head splitting headache and a terrible hangover and my vision was blurry. It toke me a quite a while to realize where I was.

Answer 1

Hi
My opinion is that it sounds interesting however the first couple of paragraphs didn't grab me. To get my attention if you started from the section that says "I arrived at the inn i was to spend the night in etc" then i want to keep reading. especially as it leads to the end of civilisation (oh my goodness, really? why? what happens next?). I figure you could then work your history in a bit further in if you like.
I hope you don't mind, it is intended to be constructive criticism. think of all the great books you read where the first couple of sentences really GRAB you. then think of the novels you pick up and read the first couple of paragraphs and you put it down and move onto the next one. I hope this is of some help and email me some more along the way if you like.

Answer 2

Don't start by saying that the world will be destroyed in the very first sentence. Once you've done that, you've given away your whole story and the reader has no reason to continue. I would start with your second paragraph, and go from there. again, don't let on that the end of mankind is at hand, just tell your story. You want to give your reader some surprises, and reasons to continue reading. Good luck.

Answer 3

There is this website called YouWriteOn.com It's british, but as long as you speak english you can work on it. You put up your intros and then others critique them (other writers - not strange people who may not even have a high school diploma on the internet). It's free and you have to critique another's work first, but it's worth it.
Sorry, but at the time I don't have time to read all of your intro. From what I've read, though, it catches your intrest, however it tells too much. Try to show. Like instead of "awfully happy" say, "and a smile didn't leave my face for _____ amount of time."

Answer 4

I am afraid I agree with Damon, to an extent. Not a bad idea but in order to hook people you need to make it more conversational and less introverted. Who is Alexa? Is she really a Teen brat or is there more to her. Does she really talk in this gushing and childlike way or is she actually a modest and thoughtful person who wants to try and explain to herself how on earth she managed to get into such a mess and maybe rationalise a way out? The character needs to be much more full in order to survive into even a second chapter. How do you mentally talk with yourself about stuff? Everybody does and will relate to that style far better.

Answer 5

You must as well surf the net on how to tell a short story. Usually the beginning must be at the near of the climax in order to be arresting to emotional appeal. Really, writing a short story does not involve rhetorics but use every words and idea for a purpose. enjoy your craft.

Answer 6

I've seen 2 movies with each plot... Of the 3 That you go thru. one from the 1960's and one from 1971.

Also your story has feedback from the Bible... Not a story just seems to take you back to what has been writen in different passages and brought together....

Good Luck with the screen play...

Answer 7

Hmmm...now I want to know more. Good writing with only a few typos. I am intrigued!

Answer 8

interesting. kinda long though,you writing a book?

Answer 9

this storry is good that i've ever read but just a little isn't interesting.

Answer 10

its quite good, not to bad.
by the looks of it this is fiction (never heard of goland), fantasy fiction, my favourite genre.