Found Gay Porn Website on Husbands Computer--HELP?

Question

My husband of 7 months has not touched me in about 2 months. Hugs and kisses yes---anything more intimate---no.
So, tonight when he was downstairs I decided to check the history on his computer to see if he's been checking out naked women on his computer...needless to say I found some Gay Porn websites. What do I do?? Confront him?? I'm afraid if I tell him what I did he will never trust me again!
I will mention I have gained a few pounds since the wedding. We dated almost 13 years prior to our wedding but lived with our parents.
I'm so confused...what do I do????

So, last night before bed I asked him if he was happy in our marriage. He said Yes and then questioned why I was asking him. I told him that he hasn't been intimate with me in about 2 months and he said well, we've both been sick. I answered that by saying that we weren't that morning. I then asked him if he was unhappy with my looks and couldn't stand to look at me because I've gained weight and he said that he isn't happy with his body right now because he to has gained weight and he's not feeling very sexual. I stopped asking questions and broke out into tears. He wrapped his arms around me and proceeded to fall asleep. This morning I laid in bed waiting to see if when he woke up he'd say anything and he didn't. Just got out of bed and went down stairs. All night long all I could think about was those stupid websites...needless to say I'm tired now! UGH! Just so confused.....

I should probably add in response to other posts that we weren't super intimate prior to getting married. Just never was the time or place since we both lived with our parents. When we'd go away on a vacation we'd be intimate and occassionally if our parents weren't home...but everything has usually been on is terms. I typically don't initiate because if he's not in the mood he rejects me and that's not the nicest feeling so most of the time I wait for him to initiate.

Answer 1

You should NOT check "the history on his computer" anyway.

Answer 2

2

Answer 3

Without being a mind reader neither you nor I can tell if your husband is gay or just not into the sexual side of the relationship. However since he says he is suffering from body image and you feel you are too, the only cure I can think of is to get a family Y or gym membership and make the time to go together to swim, exercise, play sports and do all sorts of things that will help you both recover your own self-image when it comes to appearance. In addition it will open up a whole new realm for social interaction with other people and reawaken your overall social life.

If he refuses to go or makes excuses for any session, tell him blatantly that either he goes and enjoys the tiem and fun with you or he can darn well go find a boyfriend if he really doesn;t want to be with you and rebuild the relationship as well as yoru individual selves. Be firm but leave the gay sites out of it; let his own imagination figure that part out.

And even if you go together and you both get in good shape and enjoy the experience, there is still the off chance he will actually run off and leave you but by that poijnt you are goign to look and feel yoru best so the heck with him; you can have any single guy you want and you will feel good about it..

Answer 4

Oh no I'm sorry to hear this is happening to you. Why don't you just ask him outright "Are you gay?" If he askes you why you are asking him that question. You can just easily say "Because I saw gay websites in the history folder. I was just looking for a link that I had forgotten." You can try to talk to him like you would with a friend first, so that he can feel comfortable being open about it. You want to get the truth first before talking about your feelings because the truth determines whether you want to invest in this marriage or not.

I mean why be in a marriage that is based on a lie? Are you both truly in love and crazy about each other? You two have hardly been intimate for two months as newlyweds. Is he truly attracted to you? If he was, you two would have been intimate, right?

I would be concerned because gay men are naturally promiscious. They can meet and have sex right away, within minutes of meeting online. It is that easy for them. So how do you know he hasn't tried that?

When you say that you are afraid of confronting him and that he may not trust you again, obviously there is no trust in this marriage. That plainly speaks the truth. I mean you two are married, and you have no trust. That is the truth staring at you in the face.

Answer 5

Let's hope he was curious or it was a pop up from another porn site he was visiting. A straight man has no right looking at porn unless he is gay. Give it about a week and check to see if he is viewing other sites. When you confront him do you expect him to tell you the truth? This will be a very sensitive discussion.

Answer 6

First off do not CONFRONT try talking that will keep him off of the defense and you off of the attack.

You two have a lot of years together and you mean to tell me everything was perfect and the intimacy was great up until now?

I doubt that it has always been a love story, I think more like a lets not look at this because I don't want to be alone.
He has not suddenly turned gay and you cannot assume that he is due to web sites on the computer, however they are a pretty good indication of where his desires lay.

Talk to him tell him you were on the computer and you found this, if he asks if you were snooping tell him yes because you were. You were snooping because you intuition was telling you there is something missing in your relationship.
I know it will be the hardest thing for you but try not to be too defensive give him a safe feeling so that he can level with you and you can get the answers you need (probably don't want but truly do need) to move one with your life.

And don't forget this one thing........if he is gay then he was gay and always has been gay and you married him.............what does that say about you?
You need to look at that and figure out why you would be so blind or hide your head in the sand and marry a gay man............the signs were there from the beginning ............why were you willing not to see them?

Answer 7

I empathise, i really do.
First you should check if it's just spam as that does happen a lot. Ensuring it's not simply a coincidence will save later embarassment.
Also perhaps if you use his computer on occasion too just flippantly bring it up in conversation like "Damn porn sites are everywhere on the net" or something to guage his reaction.
Or alternatively simply ask him. Ask him why he hasn't wanted to be with you intimately. He's your husband and if he's having these feelings towards men this immediately effects you also and you have a right to know why they're on there.

I hope he feels he can confide in you as these feelings if materialised are real they're difficult to cope with for both parties.

Good luck!

Answer 8

Sorry to hear that I understand your pain. I've been in the same situation before with one of my Ex partners. Same thing no intamacy and he spend alot of time on Gay chat lines. He thought he was ready for a relationship but after a year realized he wasn't. If he is going to Gay sites he might just be curious or Bi. Lack of intimecy isn't your issue and no your weight doesn't have anything to do with it. He has some issues. You should tell him to talk to you about not being intimate. But confronting him about checking out the history on his computer is a invasion of privacy. Keep that to yourself. I would suggest going to a marriage counselor, my current partner and I went to one for different reason but it really worked. Just tell him that you feel he is being distant from you and how it makes you feel. Good luck

Answer 9

Well, first of all you need to ask him about those web sites, they are probabily not pop ups, because I have never had pop ups like that. He is your husband he should trust you no matter what, and if you are not getting enough "sex" you just need to tell him. You have to realise that all marrages are based on two people. Not just him. You are not his beck and call, and you shouldn't just have sex when he wants too. I have to tell you though, I am only attracted to fit to skinny men, and if I am with someone and they gain weight, I start to find them less attractive, and I know it sounds harsh, but I can't help it. But since you have asked him if that his the matter, and he said no, I don't think it is that. You just need to be honest and tell him how you feel. A relationship is based on trust, and right now you are not trusting him 100%. It is hard sometimes, but tell him how you feel, and if he gets mad at you, that is 100% his fault, and 0% yours. Good Luck

Answer 10

If someone went through say, your purse or diary, regardless of what they found, would you be a little angry? When someone snoops they deserve what they find. However, just because there was gay porn is not a guarantee he is. If you confront him be prepared for a show down, and don't expect to come out the winner. He will either admit he is gay and blame you for making him admit to something he's not ready to admit. Or he'll deny it and never trust you. Either way, if you love the guy be supportive of him no matter and hopefully you aren't completely dependent financially on him. Start saving quarters.

Answer 11

Best thing to do would be to talk about the lack of intimacy between you. Try to figure that out first before even going to the gay thing. I am married and bi and know that she would never understand. In the back of my mind I think she knows about my bisexuality but lets it go for the good of the relationship. To tell the truth she doesn't enjoy sex as much as I do and the computer porn takes some of the pressure off her as far as relations are concerned. Good luck and I wish you the best.