Anyone want to critique a poem?

Question

If anyone could tell me what you think, it'd be great. sorry it's a bit melancholy. thnx

Can I trust you?

The walls close around me
even though they aren’t there
no one can see them
but me
then through the darkness
you reach out your hand
tear a hole through the prison around me
and offer me all I’ve ever hoped for.

You offer me friendship
you offer me hope
you offer me comfort
and to be not alone
you offer me something I missed
something I’m not sure I ever had
you offered a precious gift
Friendship

But I do not trust you
I see veiled threat
I’ve been hurt again and again.
You may say that I’m your friend
but I’ve heard it all before.
They’ve told me I’m important,
they told me they’ll be there,
they told me to trust them,
but then they disappeared.
I became a shadow,
a ghost of who I was
I faded into the background
silent as a mouse.
I know no one cares.


But then you reached through to me
and brought me to the sun
I stopped being a shadow
and returned to the dawn
and with you

guess it was too long. here's the rest

But then you reached through to me
and brought me to the sun
I stopped being a shadow
and returned to the dawn
and with you there beside me
I finally had a hope.
Might I be healed?
But I still am not sure.
Do I trust you?
Do I not?
I want to. I want to so bad

What you do tells me to,
again and again.
But I’m still not sure.
So give me a while,
stay by my side,
wait as I gather my courage.
I will plunge in,
leave nothing behind,
make my bid, like there’s nothing to lose
For there’s nothing I have
that I haven’t lost before,
and there’s everything to gain.
Be patient.
Wait for me.

I gather my strength,
my courage,
and plunge.
Because I need someone
and I think that someone is you.
Will you be my true friend?

Answer 1

I like it a lot...in fact, if a certain person in mind (someone I'm really hoping to be friends with currently) sent this to me, I'd probably cry (but that's just me). It's very touching. If my friend wrote this to me, I'd want to reassure her that I won't leave her! I care about her too much. You may have been hurt before, but I have too. We all have. If you were my friend, I'd say to please take a chance on me. If you trust me, I will trust you! Let the person know how you feel. You could get closer.

Answer 2

Can I trust you?

Imaginary walls close around me
Only I can see them

through the darkness
you reach out your hand
tear a hole through the prison around me
offer me all I’ve ever hoped for.

friendship
hope
comfort
companionship
best of all, friendship

Yest, I do not trust you
I see veiled threat
I’ve been hurt repeatedly
I’ve heard it all before,
that I’m important,
that they’ll be there,
to trust them,

they disappeared.
I became a ghost of who I was
I faded into the background
silent as a mouse.
I know no one cares.

But then you brought me sunlight
I stopped being a shadow
we returned to the dawn
together
-------------------------


some possible edits.

try to speak the language of tday, as if it were spoken.

Answer 3

Its got a bit of flow to it, but its kinda long. Decent though, and i usually will tear people apart when i hear their poems cos im a pretty hard critic. if you could shorten it and somehow flow it into a kind of rhyming scheme sorta it would be insanely cool. nice job brah

Answer 4

are you a writer????
if not you should be.
I understand the message being sent in this poem and i usually read into things too much.
I love this.
=]
hope i helped

Answer 5

I think your poem is really good! It has alot of trueness to it!

Answer 6

wow... that was deep. I'm just about in tears..
that's really good!!!

Answer 7

very nice. continue writing.

Answer 8

nice job..u have a talent...

Answer 9

wow
thats so good!!
=)

Answer 10

no thanks