I lie to my wife alot. I think she knows it and is preparing to leave me. What should I do?

Question

I have children (older children--adults) from a previous marriage and I give them a lot of money. As a matter of fact. I just bought them both new trucks and gave one more than $5000 for a lawyer and dentist appointments. I gave the other one $2000 to pay off a debt. I never told my wife, but I think she knows. The children hate her. They really hate her. That's a long story. She has told me that I have to choose between her and our daughter (6 years old) or my older children and I keep hanging on to the other children. See, they weren't raised right and they are both lazy. One of them didn't finish high school and had her first baby at 17. The other one dates black men and has a mixed baby. Neither are married. I think they need me. My wife can raise our daughter okay without me. What do I do?

I forgot to say that I told my wife I didn't have any money when she asked about going on vacation before Christmas. I had some and I think she knows it, but I need it to give to the girls to buy gifts for their children for Christmas. I know I don't look good here, but I do have a problem and need help.

The problem isn't that she said that I had to choose between the adult children and the baby, but is instead that she knows I lie to her--hasn't said anything to me about it, but is preparing to leave me. I want to be with her, but I can't help feeling like I need to be there to give stuff to my other children. They are both so lazy and so dumb. They need help. I lie to her about where I am, how much money I have. I don't spend time with the baby because I'm with the older girls (21 and 25) all the time. The older girls hate my wife and they have said that they will never accept their 6 year old sister as theirs. My wife doesn't want them around the baby and neither do I, but how do I deal with that?

Answer 1

You're a real a55 whipe aren't you?

I hope your wife uses this service so that she can have the proof she needs that you are a self-proclaimed liar.

Answer 2

Stop lying to your wife. Step up & take care of you 6 year old daughter. Realize that your adult kids are using you more than they are 'needing' you. Have you considered that your wife may be right & the two of you could come to some reasonable solution together?

You want to help them? Really help them? Make sure they both have GEDs and some type of job training. Stop letting them walk all over you and drive a wedge between you and the woman you married, swore an oath to and probably professed to love on numerous occasions. Or, was all that just a lie too.

Kids grow up and they have to learn to stand up and take responsibility for their actions. You're letting your guilt about past poor parenting drive you to make even worse decisions.

Wake Up! You can help your kids without trashing your life, your wife's life and your 6-year old daughters life. Can you seriously tell me your going to do the right thing by baby-sitting adult children and abandoning your 6-year old daughter!

Fix this! But, do it the right way. As a father, husband and parent - not, as a door mat for your adult kids!

Answer 3

First of all... stating your one daughter dates only black men and has a mixed baby.... who care.. I am a white woman married to a wonderful amazing black man and have 2 wonderful "interracial" is the term.. not mixed children that are the most amazing beautiful children there is ( and I get a lot of compliments on how good looking they are from strangers) so I had to first state that,, and if that is the only thing you are against in that daughter... that is nothing.... trust me.
I would say.. your 6 year old daughter needs you.. and needs you to show her the right way,,,, not be lazy.. and to give her morals and values... your daughters from your previous marriage.. are "growen UP" and need to learn to grow up.. .. as long as you keep handing over the money.. bailing them out.. how are they going to learn. Think of your family you have now.. you need to put your life in order and stand on your two feet and say no.. enough is enough.... you say you think your 6 year old will be ok with the mother.... how can you choose to leave your 6 year old to look after your daughter that have kids of their own.... you wife is right in a way... and you need to behonest with her.. tell her your worries about your other 2 daughters... and "together" try to come to an agreement... you can't shut them out of your life.. but you can be in it without handing over money.... and if they don't understand or get upset then let them cool off.. if all they want is you to be around to hand out money then you don't need that....
Your wife and daughter now need you.. let the others grow up and learn on their own.. it is time....
Take care!

Answer 4

You need help all right. You are full of guilt for having done a terrible job raising your older daughters. You feel guilty and you think that by giving them money it will make up for the things you never did for them while they were growing up. You need some heavy duty counseling and your life will always be screwed up until you can get the counseling and find out how you can fix yourself because fella you have a lot of problems. It's not just about the lies that you are telling or not telling your present wife. I suspicion that you were not raised right either and now you are passing it along to the next two generations. Just stop it now and get help because your life will be one disaster after another until you do. Find a good therapist today.

Answer 5

Have you ever heard the expression it's to late to close the door after the horses have gone? Well that's your case here. If she knows you have lied and is preparing to leave, then it's to late.

As to the other problem with your adult kids, I understand where your wife is coming from, but just because the kids are lazy and not raised correctly does not lift your responsibility to them and she should show understanding in this. I would consider not helping them out as much, because once your gone, who will be there to bail them out? They need to learn responsibly some time and the sooner the better.

As to the gifts for your grandchildren. Instead of giving your children the money, purchase the gifts yourself and have their parents wrap them and give them. (all children deserve a Christmas gift)

Now onto your youngest daughter. Do to your commitment to your adult children, are you really ready to sacrifice your relationship with her for them? It seems you have already made your decision and must live with the consequences.

Answer 6

Your older children are adults, as you said. They need to learn to walk independently and stop leaning on their father for financial help.
You have a wife and a young daughter that NEEDS her father to be there for her, to help raise her, and show her what true love is, by treating her mother well.

By the way, dating black men and having a mixed baby doesn't mean that your adult daughter is raised incorrectly and needs your help. It was her choice on who to date, and despite how you raised her, she would've still made those choices.
Your other daughter needs to get her GED and get financially stable.

You can't just be handing out piles of money, at the drop of a hat. They'll never become independent women, if you don't let them falter sometimes.

If you think your wife can raise your daughter without you, then maybe she should. If she leaves you, she obviously thinks it's better off having no father, than a father who pays no attention.

Answer 7

Well, I'm not sure why you just had to mention that your daughter dates black men... I think your older children are adults now and should have to be responsible for themselves. You have an obligation to your new family now and your 6 year old daughter. She has the right to have both of her parents in her life supporting her, doesn't she? I think you need to go to counseling with your wife and maybe even your whole family and get these issues out in the open. You obviously can afford it if you just gave your kids new trucks.

Answer 8

Your situation sounds a little immature. Why would you ever want to lie to your wife. Its negative. All you are doing is opening the door to negative things. Money does not buy love. Love is a gift and you need to show her love to get her respect and she will repect you when you show her love. I think you have dragged a lot of baggage from your previous marriage into this one and you need to sort out all your old issues. Its not fair to treat her the way you are and I suggest you consider this strongly or lose yet another wife.

When your children see her respecting you and you loving her things will change. Your children should know better than to hate her. If they are old enough to live their own lives it is wrong for you to drag them into your new life together especially if they have no repect for her. The chances are it is becuase of their own mother who got hurt and now you want to go hurting your second wife too?

My suggestion is that you buy the book LOVE AND RESPECT by DR. Emerson Eggerichs. THis is going to make a difference.
Please dont destroy another person. I understand you wanting to help your children but if you keep doing that they will never grow up. They have to learn to be sensible too and less condemning! You should not even take sides with them against your wife.

Answer 9

ITS ALWAYS NICE TO BE ABLE TO HELP YOUR KIDS OUT BUT WHEN IT STARTS COMING BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR WIFE AND WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT 20 HERE AND 20 THERE, YOU ARE GIVING THEM WAY TOO MUCH.! I think that they need to learn how to take care of themselves. And the reason they hate your wife is because they know if they succeed in ruining your marriage they will be all you have to spend your money on. They sound like spoiled self centered brats that don't give a care about your happiness as long as your wallet is open for them. Your little girl though has a lifetime ahead of her and needs her daddy there and needs you to be taking care of her. Your wife is right to be upset , she and your daughter are your family too. and you already raised the others. You don't really want to give up your wife and daughter for a couple of brats who, I'd bet money if you were to leave her and ended up with no money for them you would be one lonely man. Put your wife and MINOR child first and quit lying to her. She deserves better than that and so does your little girl.

Answer 10

Do you think you can "fix' your older children? Buying them things and bailing them out is not helping them, it's just enabling them to continue to behave like children. If you love your wife, you should try to work things out with her. Also, even if your wife is a great mom, your daughter still needs you. Girls develop self-esteem in part based on their relationship with their father. Also, divorce is very hard on a child. So don't think that your older kids need you more than your 6 year old. She is still depending on you to develop into a healthy, happy adult, but the older ones, well it's up to them now.

Answer 11

Well What Kind Of Women Would Make You Choose Between Her And Your Children! I Can Understand Why They Hate Her! As To Your Children Being Lazy! That's Your Own Fault! I Would Dump The Wife! She Don't Sound Like Much Of A Women! You Should Never Have Let Your Daughter Date Black Men! It Show's She Has No Respect For Her Self!