Okay guys. I am gay and I have a g/f who has been living with me for the last 6 months. My Dad doesn't like the gay lifestyle at all, but realizes that Kristen is my g/f and I am his daugther, so he still welcomes her into his home. Kristen's Mom won't even have a conversation with me, but yet calls me hateful names, and doesn't want Kristen around if I am around. Kristen's Mom has even told her not to come around if she has me with her. Well, her and I are thinking about kids, live together and everything, and her Mom has nothing to do with me but Kristen still insist on going over her Mom's for the holidays etc without me, everything she does with her family is without me, so I guess I am asking what would you do? Her Mom doesn't even want her daughter around if I am around, but she has never even talked to me, she never will like me, but yet we are thinking about a family, but yet her Mom won't accept it or invite her or her child over for any occasion. How would you handle this?
2006-12-30 05:04:22 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
Stay away.
2006-12-30 05:07:21 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
First I would like to ask if this is her first relationship with a woman. If it is her mother may hope this is a passing phase or she may blame you for turning her daughter. I know it is not true about turning her but I am trying to figure out the mom here. She may think her daughter's sexuality is wrong and never accept it. You don't know that the mother will never accept her grandchild here you are making a big assumption. Next mothers are protective of her children and see may be seeing all the problems that her daughter may go through. How big is the town you are from? Do you have a reputation she might have heard negative things about? How well are the both of you doing financially. If not too well the mother may think that she can do better or you are holding her back. What is you age? She might think that you are both too young to know about what the future may be. As I read your question it seems that you feel you girlfriend should limit her contact with her family because they do not include you. Be careful when treading that ground, that can drive a wedge between you. Be supportive of each other, allow each of you your space. Accept that the mother is not willing to accept this relationship at this time and live within those boundries. Forcing her to be around you will not work it puts the daughter in the middle, the mom angry and what will you gain from it. When you are young 6 months can seem forever when you get older six months is a very short time. Be supportive of each other, accept the limits of each family and advance in your personal and professional lives. Mom may come around or mom may never come around.
2006-12-30 13:31:59 · answer #2 · answered by cece 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I'm an old fashioned guy,but look at this from the mother's point of view.
The mother expected her daughter to marry a GUY someday and start a family.But Kristen made her choice and is in a relationship with you,so you better start getting on her good side.Because if you don't she will drive a wedge between you two eventually out of spite.
Finding someone to love in this ever changing world is difficult enough THEN you end up in this situation? Show the mother that you can be supportive of Kristen's needs-and I don't just mean financially. What about Kristen's career? One day (if you adopt kids),they are going to ask why they don't visit grandma. What will you both say then?
2006-12-30 13:14:18 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
How old are you and Kristen? It's hard when you're young (as in, younger than say, 25?) to shun your family for the sake of a relationship. Yea, she probably wants life both ways, that's ok. Give the relationship time, you 2 sound like you are getting things in order for the next 20 years, what with thinking about having children together. What else there is that you haven't said is, does she also put you down or verbally abuse you? If not, then I dont think there's a problem. You and Kristen need to have a talk as to whether her parents negativity will eventually make her leave you, or whether your relationship is strong enough to handle all of it.
2006-12-30 13:45:29 · answer #4 · answered by moonshadow 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Ask your Dad to talk to the mother. Maybe he can give you some kind of perspective on whats up with her. Another suggestion is to ask Kristen to stand up to her mother and tell her whats what. G-d forbid anything happen where Kristen winds up in the hospital needing your support and the dumbass Mom F's it all up by making a scene upsetting Kristen. If your going to start a family the Mom has to either get over herself or take herself out of the picture. Perhaps someone else from Kristens family could let the Mom know her behaviour is unacceptable. Sounds like she needs an intervention of sorts on how to conduct herself in a mature fashion.
2006-12-30 13:13:14 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it is appalling that Kristen would even *think* about going to her Mom's house for the holidays, let alone actually do so. That is a horrible way to treat you and sets a terrible example to her mother. She might as well just tattoo "Well my girlfriend is not really important to me and I'll just do whatever you want me to" on her forehead for her Mom to see.
You need to have a united front on this, or you will never change her awful ways. You need to show her that she cannot control Kristen and if forced to choose between the two of you, Kristen will choose you every time.
First and foremost, that means that Kristen will not spend any major holiday and/or event with her mother unless you are present. This means Christmas, birthdays, graduations, Thanksgiving, Easter, Hanukkah if she's Jewish... anything. If that means that this woman doesn't want you in her house, then Kristen will not be going.
Meanwhile, invite her over to your place... A LOT. Possibly every week if that is what it takes. Invite her for dinner or to watch the super bowl or to make a pie, it doesn't matter what the activity is, but just keep inviting her no matter how many times she turns you down. Have a birthday party for a relative at your house or a graduation party or a may day party and invite her. Eventually she will probably have to give in.
Third, kill her with kindness. If she gave Kristen Christmas gifts, write lovely thoughtful thank you cards from both of you. When Kristen is on the phone with her, regularly (and cheerfully) shout "Tell your mother I say hello!". Sign all gifts and cards from both of you... "with love". Make some of those photo christmas cards with a nice picture of the two of you for next year. Smile, Grin, and be the Happiest Goddamn Person on the face of the whole F*cking Planet. Never say an unkind word about her to others, just *sigh* and act sad that her behavior is so hard on Kristen. Act like a saint.
Fourth, try some anonymous mailings, such as getting her a bunch of PFLAG brochures of Soulforce materials and sticking them in her mailbox. No guarantee she'll read them, but hey, you tried. Maybe write her a nice handwritten letter about how much you love her daughter. She might rip it up, but keep trying. I know some older folks prefer letters to actual conversations when matters are difficult.
Fifth, back off talking to her about children until her icy heart starts to melt. Don't overwhelm her.
And just keep at it. I wish you luck. And if Kristen is not going to back you on this, then you need to accept that you are not that important to her or move on to someone who will show you more respect.
2006-12-30 13:43:02 · answer #6 · answered by dani_kin 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Obviously her family is very important to her. Some of my own relatives are anti-gay and mean to my wife; I sympathize with her. Families are very complicated and very good at laying on the guilt. Perhaps you can talk to Kristen about why her family is so important, and why she loves them even though they disrespect her orientation and choice of a partner. You can also suggest alternatives and things for you to do together. Do you have relatives of your own that you're close to? Maybe you should introduce her to them.
By the way, my mom called my wife either "the little bald *****" or "the little Russian *****" for years, depending upon how she wore her hair. She is now a very friendly mother-in-law--and this started after 12 years! (We're celebrating our 15th next year.) Their attitudes can change, but you and Kristen will have to be very pleasant and very determined.
2006-12-30 13:16:29 · answer #7 · answered by GreenEyedLilo 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Her mom is just going to be a negative influence and a thorn in your side for your relationship so the best thing you can do is be civil but dont let her push you around. For the most part, stay away and if you want children then go for it.Its you and your gf's life so do what you two need to do to be happy. Her mother may not consider the kids her grandchildren but if she does and wants to see them, let her mom know that she wont be able to seem unless she respects both parents. You dont want your kids seeing that sort of disrepect. Her mom doesnt pay your bills so just live your life and be happy. Good luck to both of you!! :)
2006-12-30 13:47:00 · answer #8 · answered by W.E.S. 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If her mom can drive you two apart, I'd hate to see how you two would handle a kid! They're THE BEST at playing people in relationships against each other to get what they want! If you two aren't able to stand together against her mom, you two definitely aren't ready to start a family. It's time for some serious talk about your relationships before waaay before the subject of kids comes up.
2007-01-01 21:42:49 · answer #9 · answered by carora13 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't do anything about this now, you can only hope that her behavior will change. it's obvious your gf loves her family and doesn't want something like this to divide the family. So she stays with you but visits her family alone, it's just something you'll have to live with whether or not her mom changes, I hope that despite her mom's behavior your relationship will continue. You can't change everybody, those you can't change you leave them alone.
2006-12-30 15:08:43 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
She loves her daughter but refuses to accept that she's a lesbian. That's why she don't like you. I would stay away, I wouldn't want to go anywhere I'm not welcomed. Maybe she'll come around if you're still involved with her in about 3 more years.
2006-12-30 13:18:38 · answer #11 · answered by What'd You Say? 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋