How Do I shake the guilt?

Question

My ex huband committed suicide a year ago. We had not seen him for a long time but 3 weeks before he shot himself it was nagging me to contact him. I didnt go with my gut and now he is gone. I can't tell him I miss him, or how sorry I am, find out if he hates me. He is "with me" so to speak I know this. Its my fault for leaving him 9 years ago, for not going with my gut. I just need 5 minutes with him.

He left behind 2 beautiful boys and has given me "signs" with some of the answers I seek. But I think due to the fact that its not 1 on 1, and there was never any real closure to our relationship, the circumstances to the end of our relationship.
You guys are awesome and are being of great comfort. I may never get over the guilt but I see there ARE people who care.

Answer 1

Your ex is gone, sweetheart. He is past feeling or caring--in a state of non-existence, and beyond contact. If you feel the need to apologize, take it up with him in your dreams, because that's as close as you can get to him now. You might want to start moving past it, because time only goes in one direction. You can't rewrite the past, however much you may regret certain parts of it. Without the slightest sense of judgment, I might suggest--just do the best you can in your life from here on--live so that you will have no more regrets. My best wishes to you.

Answer 2

First off, this is in no way your fault. Let me say that again - THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

Your marriage ended 9 years ago, that means that before he killed himself, he had 8 years to move on.

Depression is most often caused not by a traumatic emotional experience, but a chemical imbalance in the brain. That's why there is an abundance of anti-depressive chemicals on the market. My guess is that something in his body chemistry changed and he became depressed as a result. Unfortunately this is not uncommon. In fact, there are a lot of antidepressants out there that can increase the risk of suicide, it's weird but true, the FDA has issued warnings saying as such.

As for that nagging feeling that you should have called him 3 weeks prior to his death, there's no way you could have predicted that he would kill himself. I don't know the details of your relationship, but if it was a situation where you saw him infrequently at best, you couldn't be expected to know. There's a good chance that even if you had called him when your gut said to, he would still be dead. There are so many factors, and unfortunately we haven't quite figured out how to go back in time and change decisions we've made in the past.

If you're still feeling guilty about his death, sit down quietly and say out loud what you wish you could say to him now. I believe that he'll hear you. But whether or not he actually can, doesn't really matter. Saying what you need to say will help.

It's not your fault.

It's not your fault.

It's not your fault.

Be well.

Answer 3

I can only imagine what this would feel like. But bottom line, he made the choice to do this. Even if you had contacted him, the end result might still be the same. Our lives as humans on this earth-- it's all about learning from our failures, and trying to do it better the next time around. He chose to end his journey, and there's nothing you can do about that. Yes, you probably should have contacted him when your gut was telling you to, and you did not. But you have learned something. Granted, it was a very painful lesson, but you will not make that same mistake again. Now you need to own up to your failure, speak to him about it at his graveside, speak to God about it, ask forgiveness. And then you need to move on. Remember the good times, the goodness that was in him, the times that you were there for him. Don't dwell on the bad. Remember- guilt, depression, self-hatred-- it all starts with your thoughts. Take control of your thoughts, and your emotions will follow.

"Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way." (2 Thessalonians 3:16)

Answer 4

It is no way your fault that he lost all hope.
You might have even made it worse, if you falsley led him on.
You may not have had that type of control over his actions, then you'd also blame yourself. But he didn't reach out to you and that may be whats bothering you, Of course you may have made a difference and that's something to remember in the future when your instinct is kicking in , Try trusting your gut feelings and never take life for granted or go through life without telling those close to you that you love them.My Mother committed suicide on jan2 1981, right after the holidays, she felt guilty for giving up 4 of her 6 kids and no mater how much we didnt hate her for splitting us up or forgave her , she didn't forgive herself. By her doing that she had my heart so hardened I thought for awhile that it took alot of guts to make the decision and follow through with the suicide, since I don't find the idea of killing myself an easy task , even on my darkest days, Her act was not that of kindness to give us a break from all her dramatic stunts, but a final act of complete disregard for all of us.I was angry at her, glad for her. numb towards her, But I will never feel guilty because I couldn't save her, I can't. You can't , you had'nt seen him for a long tome, that was his choice, and you got divorced for a reason , now you want to remember the good things and how you failed him, look at the whole picture, remember all of it. cry for him and say goodbye to him, he left you so you can be angry without guilt, angry is good , it will ease your pain for awhile till time heals you a bit. I dont think anyone has the power to to be 100% responsible for HIS choice,made a difference maybe, but not total control.

Take care of yourself
I am also sorry about your loss and his too.

Answer 5

Alot can happen in nine years. I'm sure that he had lots of layers of other things going on with him that over shadowed your leaving so long ago. He is still that same guy with all of the personality and other styles Like and/ or dislike about him.

It's NOT YOUR FAULT. He was thinking about alot of things. You re probably the one person that he felt OK about. Cause you are the one who did what you felt you needed at the time and thats Showing Respect for yourself and those around you. Him.

Actually he knows how you feel. It's OK. Your O.K. Don't feel guilty about someones elses bad decisions. He probable wishes that he didn't do that, himself.

Answer 6

i think of a definite quantity of mommy guilt is physically powerful, I situation with reference to the mothers who have not have been given any guilt and have not have been given any room for progression. you're in all probability in no way going to shake the mommy guilt, you're continuously going to ask your self why the heck you pay somebody to observe and play alongside with your daughter whilst that's what you, your self choose so badly to do. Even myself, being a stay SAHM have somewhat some guilt. i don't take her out and approximately oftentimes adequate, i'm not coaching her adequate, I is purely not waiting to place her in private college, she isn't socialized adequate, I feed her processed meals too oftentimes...the checklist is going on. some guilt is okay and to not be a weight loss plan sabotage or something...yet Haagen Dazs is physically powerful soreness alleviation.

Answer 7

Often in cases like this, there is a feeling of "what if?" as in "what if I had called him, could I have prevented his suicide?". This is a natural but unhelpful reaction. He probably had many things going on in his life that made him suicidal other then his divorce, so you probably could not have solved his problems with one phone call. If you can not get over the guilt, I recommend that you talk to a professional to work out your feelings and move on. Don't listen to the jerks on this site!

Answer 8

Is this affliction or melancholy? If you are suffering affliction than you will overcome and normalize eventually. If you are melancholic then what have you to gain by allowing this to continue? Affliction is normal and to feel as you do is normal in that all people suffer a little guilt and quite rightfully so as they work their part of the activity out. But to be melancholic about this is to linger and enjoy feeling guilt and has nothing to do with the deceased so much as to use the deceased to feel this way.

Answer 9

i understand that you blame yourself for your husband's suicide, but it's completely not your fault. there is nothing you could have done about it. how sure are you that if you would have called then your husband would not have done suicide? sadly, there is really nothing there, a person who committed suicide cannot possibly have love for anybody nor for his life.. because if he had, then he would not have committed it then. loving somebody makes you want to live not die.. and also you don't have any control over other's decision or act because it is their own freewill. God gave everybody a mind to choose on its own. and look, its nine years ago! he would have gotten over the pain of your separation already.so it's really not your fault. all you can do now is pray for him. btw, if yo ureally can't get over your guilt, try writing all you want to say to him on a letter then throw it to the sea.. it may seem a bit cheesy but it works!

Answer 10

Even though his decision isn't your fault, it can be hard to shake the feelings of guilt. One thing you can try is writing him a letter. Some people find this act of closure lets them say the things they need to and lay these feelings to rest. Some people will burn the letter after writing it, others preserve the letter for a period of time. He doesn't hate you.