End of love after 25 years? Serious.?

Question

I am a 49 year old guy and have fallen out of love with my wife after I had an affair. It was not my intent, it just happened. I have ended the affair. Now, I feel guilt, and have tried for months to reconnect, but all I feel is sadness. I have always been a good man, and tried to do the best for her and my three kids (youngest is 17).

Is it better for me to go on trying to make it up to her, and being dishonest about my lack of love, or to tell her I don't love her anymore?

Serious, only.

Thanks. I have been in counseling, alone and with my wife. She does not know about the affair, but she knows things aren't good.

No, the affair was not an accident, but it was not intentional.

A few of you sound like bitter ex-husbands, and a few like bitter ex-wives (lovebug).

RJ, I don't know which you are but all your answers are pathetic.

For the rest, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will do my best.

Answer 1

A tough spot to be in. I am in just the opposite place. I only stayed with her all these years for my 3 kids. But now I could not imagine being without her.

Your biggest responsibility is to try to figure out what will hurt her the least. After 25 years she deserves the best of whatever you can offer.

Answer 2

Don't tell her you don't love her anymore, tell her you are struggling with issues and you find that your marriage is in serious need of an overhaul. Set up some marriage counseling. If only you are trying to reconnect, and she is unaware, then things may never get better. On the other hand, if you told her about the affair already, then this may be the one thing she can't get past, no matter what you try/do. After 25 years, you owe your family more than a few months of trying to reconnect. In fact, you sound rather selfish, and having an affair is not really 'being a good man'. You didn't just fall out of love overnight, so the fix isn't going to happen that quickly either. It's possible that your wife has driven you away over the course of many years, or it's possible that you have just gone through a midlife crisis, there are many different possibilities, but you owe it to yourself, your kids and your wife to seek some professional counseling and try a little harder to get to the bottom of this.

Answer 3

Did you tell your wife about the affair, or did she find out somehow? Did you fall out of love with her after the affair. Maybe you still love her, but your judgment is clouded by the newness and excitement and the difference in the other woman. Do not give up yet, please.

It is understandable that you feel guilt, and yes, sometimes without wanting to or looking for an affair, things happen. You did the best thing, you ended it. You say that you are trying to re-connect, please keep trying, yes sadness will be an emotion that you feel. Forgive yourself for the affair, we all make mistakes, we are only human. At least you woke up, and ended it.

Maybe right now, the help of a therapist is what you need. I would not tell the wife that you do not love her anymore, seek counseling first, and keep trying to make it work. If you loved her at one time, you can love her again.

You say you are a good man, that is evident by your question, if you weren't a good person, you would have even ask such a very very serious question.

I wish you the best!

Answer 4

I would recommend counseling. For you alone at first, then maybe the two of you later if necessary. The thing is... the guilt you feel and the loss of your self-esteem make you feel less for her than you really do. You owe it to yourself, your wife, your kids (even older it hurts), and the investment you both have put into this marriage to do everything in your power to correct things. Sometimes it's easier to walk away and start fresh than to fix things, but don't take the easy way out. I'm willing to bet your wife knows something is going on as well, and will have her defenses up until she understands the situation. Now is the time to be a man... put your head into finding a solution. (I am not advocating telling her about the affair, every situation is different)

Answer 5

I honestly don't like the thought of divorce. I have many family members who have gotten divorced, my grandmother married twice and is divorced again, my mother married three times and getting the third divorce, ( living with another guy also ) my dad ( of course ) has been married twice ( still married ) and other family memebers. Aunts, even myself, I have been married twice ( got married December 2nd this one will stick :D )

Anyway, my point is, I think BEFORE condisdering divorce, seperation, ( I realize you have not asked about divorce ) please find some sort of counsler.

What is it that you want? Tell her all that went on, ask her what she wants? Have this counsler help you to achieve your want.

When it seems it's not possible maybe consider splitting for a time, if you miss her after awhile you know that you really do love her and your guilt was so heavy it was covering it up.

( In my opinion, even if both spouses agree together, being with other people is NEVER NEVER EVER a good thing for a marriage. " Till death do us part " is a binding contract. )

I apoligize if I didn't make to much sense, hope I helped a little at least. Good luck with whatever you do and please have a great day!

Answer 6

An affair is always intentional, you had to make a decision if you were going to pursue a relationship with that person, or leave them alone. You chose the former. I'm surprised that it was only after you ended the affair that you feel guilt, and to say you have always been a good man, and tried to do the best foyou r her. You shattered her heart. So, please don't make yourself look like the victim here. You obviously want someone to say, since you don't love her anymore, you shouldn't go on pretending. I say, get over your midlife.

Answer 7

Lew, I am sorry this has happened, but it does happen. It's nobody's fault. 25 years is a long time, people change, again that's nobody's fault-that's life. If you aren't in love with your wife, and can't see yourself being her "husband" in a true sense of the word. And I am not talking just about sex, I mean spending time with her, sharing your life and growing old with her, then I think you owe it her to tell her so.

Do you want to have a "roommate" for the rest of your life? That is what it would amount to, and that's not fair to either of you. If she wants a relationship with you just based on the past, then let her have the choice. Talk to her, let her know the options. You stay and you pretend or you leave and maybe she can find a new love. Both of you are still young enough to to start over. She's going to be angry and confused, but I bet she's expecting something. A wife or a husband knows when things aren't right, they choose to ignore it.

I don't like divorce, but the older I get the more I understand that life is short. Why spend it miserable. I don't mean go out and do whatever no matter who is hurt, but to be happy. I have been married nearly 27 years and I wouldn't want my husband here if he wasn't in LOVE with me. I don't want a pity husband or marriage. I want one full of love and sharing. And you can't give that to her now, so I would talk with her. Be honest, but not about the affair.

Tell her that you know she is going to be angry and sad, but if you could change things you would. Help her deal with the seperation, don't be a horse's butt. I am praying she has worked through the marriage, so she has some ideas of being independent. If she's been a homemaker, she's going to need a helping hand adjusting.

Think again about this, once the words are out of your mouth, you can't take them back. But, like I said if it was me, I would want you to be happy...whether it was with me or without me that's true love.

God bless us all...........

Answer 8

Dude. All the kids are nearly adults. Now is the time to focus completly on your wife as the source of you love and happiness. Obviously, you were a good father and husband all these years. Why throw it all away. Don't be shy, tell your wife what it is you want to experience in life. Tell her what it is you want from her. Now is the time to live life your wife to the fullest. You don't have to worry about setting no more examples to your kids Have fun. I'm sure your wife feels the same way. Just be frank and open. If she does not feel the same way as you do, then I would probably move on. But give her a chance.

Answer 9

you say that you have fallen out of love with your wife after 25years and it just happened then why go through the sadness& the guilt if you don't love her anymore.Please note that good men they don't cheat on their wives after marriage real men don't anyways I think that the best thing for you to do is just come clean and tell your wife that you don't Love her so that she can pick up the peices and move on It sounds like she can do better without you than with you.and another thing why did you end your affair if you no longer love your wife were you hoping that you 2 could reconnect is that your reason for trying to reconnect with her for months. But things just weren't going in your favor right.Yeah I do think that you should just go if you are no longer in love with your wife whats the point of staying.

Answer 10

If you really feel that you no longer love her and you want to end your family life then be honest and tell her...after 25 years you owe her that much....don't tell her you had an affair....try not to be mean or hurtful...she is the mother of your children and you obviously loved her at one time.....this will be very hard for everyone involved and their will be lots of pain but if you are certain then don't let her live a lie....good luck and god bless