Please advise on the poem submitted, thank you your comments will be appreciated.?

Question

paradise

There is a place that lovers seek
a so called paradise
With coconut filled palm trees,
white sands and a deep blue sea.

Would we lay on the sand,
with a cocktails on hand.

Would you look in my eyes
and believe in this paradise.

The island birds will sing of a love song
and will stand face to face
on this paradise
An island our secret place.

Answer 1

I must observe that this is one of the best written love poems I've ever come across in these pages!

I particularly admire the the dreamland-like opening, "There is a place that lovers seek". The indefiniteness of this paradise fills one with longing and wonderment! a state that many lovers often dream about but rarely attain. It is idyllic, a dreamland of "coconut-filled palm trees" by the (white?) sands and a deep blue sea.
Makes me wanna be there and experience this secret joyous abandon of true lovers.

The choice of words, "Would we lay on the sand. . . ." almost suffocates one who has had rude and crude moments of pure love. No better word than "would" could better express this sweet humility and surrender. And the cocktails on hand barely divulges the secret peep into the ambrosia and nector that lovers are soon wont to partake.

The next two lines communicate something "sublime" (as someone has pointed out),. . . . something akin to "this is it, the magic of my love for you that you barely perceive in my eyes," and am willing to share all with you baby!!" What else would a bossom lover ask for!!

The nuptials secret feelings can never be better echoed by the island birds' sweet melodious tunes in this secret abode of true genuine feeling between Romeo and Juliet!! The world simply grounds to a standstill at such moments of indescribable romance!!

If you composed it yourself, you are definitely a genius-in-the- making and whoever love it's meant for must fairly feel a blessed darling of the gods and goddesses of creation!!

Thanks for sharing such a wonderful piece.

Answer 2

It's pretty good. I like the idea and I feel that the general mood is communicated well.

Stanza 1: There is a place that lovers seek
a so called paradise
With coconut filled palm trees,
white sands and a deep blue sea.
This is my favorite stanza, it introduces the topic well and gives the poem a tropical beat.

Stanza 2 and 3:
Would we lay on the sand,
with a cocktails on hand.

Would you look in my eyes
and believe in this paradise

I think that sometimes the rhythm of the words could be better, so consider taking out some syllables in these stanzas, rearrange the wording somehow. Otherwise I like the two line stanza idea.

Stanza 4: The island birds will sing of a love song
and will stand face to face
on this paradise
An island our secret place.
I would maybe refer to the first stanza here to tie the poem together perhaps using the line "a so called paradise" instead of "on this paradise" and rephrase the last line for clarity.

Good job! Keep writing! And I was wondering if you were to make any edits if you could possibly repost the edited poem, I would like to see it. Thanks!

Answer 3

Your content is sublime, but your grammar is inconsistent. There need to be question marks after the second and third stanzas. In the fourth stanza should read "...will sing a love song..." or "...will sing a song of love..." You need a period after paradise on the third line and a comma after island on the fourth line. A personal choice would be to capitalize the title, you really shouldn't bother with capitalization within the poem unless you're going to use capital letters to draw attention to a particular word or message. I'm hoping you were looking for a critique; again, I really like the content. It really is a sweet poem.

Answer 4

sounds good! just check some grammatical issues- "A cocktailS" and just who is involved in standing "face to face" in final stanza?
I do wonder also, why do you refer to it as a "so-called" paradise, when later in the poem it is exactly that-a paradise? It seems that the intention of the tone at the beginning is going in an ironic direction, yet the remainder of the work is focused on a utopian vision. I particularly like what you have done in the thrid and fourth stanzas-the questioning that is always present in relationships, especially in the beginning, and I enjoyed the imagery of the final stanza-kind of a reassuring optimism and pleasant hope!
Good work and keep writing!
Shane

Answer 5

i'm getting so aggravated and livid. of direction i am going as you are the dearest of all. yet all your expectancies have been in ineffective I didn’t instruct any sympathy, I wasn’t of any help. even nonetheless days pass by utilising I nevertheless experience in charge For no longer offering my emotional assist you ignored. those are the few adjustments that come to my innovations. the poem is in simple terms ask your self finished and shows your involvement & power to convey. you truly have the middle of a poet. carry on.:)

Answer 6

"No man is an island, entire to himself. Each one is inextricably linked to another like iles in a stream. If a clod of earth should be washed away from the main, Europe would be the less...So, too, if a manor of your friends should die. So, when you hear the church bell toll, do not ask for whom the bell tolls...it tolls for thee."

Answer 7

! to 10, 7.

Answer 8

Thats a romantic one :) Did u happen to write it? If yes, where have you been so long? :)). Just kidding. Your poem is lovely.

Answer 9

it's your point of view, what paradise might be like. it's nice.

Answer 10

I love it