In the past year I met a wonderful man that had been widowed for less than 1 year. He still had her clothes in the closet, personal items on the vanity, etc. but said he loved me now. I moved in, we have since married but he has yet to remove all her items or tell her daughter that we are married. He gets upset and says I'm jealous when I ask about this behavior. Am I being unreasonable to want to be the primary woman in his life??
2006-12-29 17:54:06 · 11 answers · asked by boopdva 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
We had a beautiful ceremony with my close family as well as a few of his friends. His late wife's family lives in Maine where his step-daughter also resides. They know about me and knew about the impending marriage but not that it has happened already. The step-daughter contacts him when she needs something. I have had him remove items as I come across them and have repeatedly requested that he go through EVERYTHING and remove personal items. I am not insecure, I am asking for respect. Clothing and collectibles that I have no use for...we have big differences in taste and style...should be removed. Pictures can be put into photo albums and other items placed into a box to be stored in a safe place if need be. But her name listed on the car insurance, billing accounts, etc should have been removed at least a year ago. I love this man deeply but I hurt that he can not see how this affects me. I don't want him to forget her but he needs closure with her.
2006-12-30 09:31:13 · update #1
It depends on how long he was married and how deeply he loved his wife. Some guys hold on to those memories a long time. In fact I have known some to hold on to them for years. You just don't get over a loving wife in a short length of time. You must be patient and kind with him and not push him on this issue. Give him his space and don't get upset about what he is doing with his wife's things. Try to understand him and be a good loving wife to him and let him grieve in his own way even though you know he loves you. If you do these things he will grow to love you more and appreciate your understanding.
2006-12-29 18:03:20 · answer #1 · answered by Lewis P 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
He is in denial. You both sort of are. I don't know what type of wedding you two had, but not involving or at least announcing it was a mistake. That should have been a celebration, not a secret. It sounds like you are being taken for granted or even played for a fool. Give him some demands. Tell him to treat you like a wife and not just a woman who is there and available. It is one thing to keep her stuff, but he should put it away or keep it somewhere else. But it is so bad to lie and not tell people you are married. That is disgraceful and rude and disrespectful. Tell him to shape up and that if he really loves you he needs to realize that you are alive and living and not dead and that you refuse to be treated as you are. Don't spend your life in the shadows of someone else. I hope you do see a marriage counselor and if he refuses, then go and see a personal counselor to help you work through this for yourself and help you find the best way to handle this. Good luck.
2006-12-29 18:07:45 · answer #2 · answered by just julie 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You may be in for some serious heartbreak.He is still grieving.You moved way to fast on this one.
As painfully as it will be I'd tell him the items must go..Suggest donating them to an organization that can use them.Tell him he can keep a small box of mementos in the closet.
I'd also tell him that you are planning a party to celebrate your marriage and tell family.If he doesn't respect your feelings, move to a motel or a friends house..Tell him he needs to get over his deceased wife.When he gets rid of the stuff and makes you his live wife, then go back.You deserve better than second place to a memory hon.
2006-12-30 07:25:59 · answer #3 · answered by Meemi 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No I don't think you're being unreasonable. Frankly I find that really odd, because my grandfather and my husband's uncle did the same thing -- got remarried after 1 year -- but they did it without considering everyone else's feelings. Not that our feelings matter, because it's their own lives to live. The fact that he doesn't want to tell everyone he's remarried might mean that he is sensitive to his family's feelings. What if you were the "dead wife?" Would you really want your husband to "get over" you in less than 1 year? You are his new wife, but he needs time to fully heal. I wonder how he'd react if in a sensitive way, you told him, "Honey, I know you still need time for the pain to ease up a little bit. You know that I love you and I support you, but I'm feeling uncomfortable with so many of her things in the house. Can we reach a compromise?"
2006-12-29 18:06:58 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Of course your NOT being unreasonable.
It isn't heathly that he still has her belongings in the house like that. All set up like she's coming home. He needs to seek the help of a doctor on this issue.
Try to talk to him.
He may have to tell him if he doesn't treat you like the woman he supposely loves then you will leave and if he doesn't change then you need to leave or else this behavior will not change.
2006-12-29 19:36:58 · answer #5 · answered by LC 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's obvious to say he's not over it. What you have to learn to do is accept the deceased wife into your relationship. It sounds weird but his wife didn't divorce him he never hated her and will always love her. He's probably afraid to tell anyone else he married again because it will be a sure sign he's moved on and doesn't want to hurt her family.
2006-12-29 18:03:00 · answer #6 · answered by uknowme 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you insane? You walked into this situation with your eyes closed and NOW you are scratching your head? You need a marriage counselor asap, you are married but are actually only the mistress.
2006-12-29 17:58:56 · answer #7 · answered by Bella 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hes not over his wife death, he probably doesnt want to tell his daughter that he has remarried because he doesnt want to hurt her, have consideration for his daughter. He has two primary women in his life, you and his daughter.
2006-12-29 19:14:57 · answer #8 · answered by ~*Jenny*~ 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you are being unreasonable. If he wants to have you he can't keep her stuff... and he should be understanding about you wanting others to know you are married.
2006-12-29 18:00:21 · answer #9 · answered by Karen 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you should have been absolutely certain his late wife was no longer in his life BEFORE you married him.
2006-12-29 18:03:49 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋