How do I ask my daughter something this big?

Question

I am a single parent for my 12 year old daughter. I was called at her school the last day of class before Christmas and the school counselor asked me if she had been problems at home. I said no and she asked if it was possible that my daughter was being molested. I said no and left. But everything started to make sense. Her grades dropped drastically, she´s been quieter than normal, we barely spend some quality time together (she doesn´t even complain that I work too much anymore). She just closed herself. And sometimes, she tells me she doesn´t want to go to her dad´s. He has the legal right of taking her every other weekend, so, I never did anything to stop it. Once she actually cried and when I asked why, she said it was really lonely there and she got bored. I don´t know what to do... How do I ask her if something is going on?

Answer 1

i honestly think she's old enough to talk about it... if the counselor has an inclination about this then, she's either told her something or something to the degree that has to do with that subject matter. I am not sure if she can diverge information that she and the counselor have spoken about? not sure, if maybe she has aksed to keep it a secret... but this is something that is very serious and really can shape the rest of her life... i think you should make a girls night in, just the 2 of you to get her in a good mood. have her pick out some movies, order some pizza and have ice cream. when she's opened up a bit, talk to her... ask her... if there was something wrong with you would she want to know... then of course, she's going to say yes, and then turn the tables on her... and say well i wanted to talk about boys whether it's a boy at school, family members, even your daddy, and anything you say is ok b/c we are a team.... and then talk about it... please do so. you are in my prayers. God Bless.

Answer 2

Start off by asking her if everything is ok at school? You will probably get a shoulder shrug or a yup. Ask her why she hasn't been doing so well at school, and if something is bothering her. Then maybe lead in and ask how her visits are with her dad and what they do when she is there. DO NOT ask leading questions like "Does daddy hurt you" "Does daddy touch you" Get her to tell you. You can also ask if she like to visit her dad. Keep asking questions like this and eventually ask her if anyone has ever touched her in way that made her feel uncomfortable, and tell her that you will not be mad no matter who it is, and that it is not her fault.

Hopefully she will open up to you, if there is something going on, but just because a teacher assumes this doesn't make it so. The worst thing you can do is lead your daughter to say something that isn't true, but at the same time if something is going on, you want to get to the bottom of it and get her help right away and get her away from the perpetrator. You also want that person held responsible.

Answer 3

Use the fact that the counselor asked you the question to bring it up. There is no easy way to bring up such a subject, but if there's a doubt in your mind, you have to ask the question. Molestation doesn't have to be by the father. It could be a neighbor, uncle, or friend of the family. You can always blame the counselor for causing your doubts about your ex (if she gets defensive, or you feel you need to).

She needs to be told that the adult in such a situation is at fault, not the child. Things that seem obvious to adults don't seem that way to a child. There are lots of things that can cause a 12 year-old to have problems at school. Puberty can be tough on anyone, especially in a split family. I wonder what prompted her counselor to ask about molestation. I would make another appointment to see that counselor and find out if this was a general question they ask, (which would seem unlikely to me) or exactly what prompted her to ask you that.

I think the biggest thing is that you need to try to spend that quality time with your daughter that you say is lacking. Get those communication lines back open. Not just for this (hopefully small) crisis, but for all those bound to come.

Answer 4

The very next time that you have her, just ask her, because there might be something going on. She's probably too afraid to say anything, or the other person has threatened her in some kind of way. Another thing is to take her into the shower and look over her entire body for anything unusual that hasn't been there before, and then talk to her some more. If you do find or see something that is unusual take a picture (just for proof) and contact your local law enforcement immediately. Let them know whats going on as well. Your daughter is at the age now that she must know about things like this. And also let her know that it is wrong for something like this to happen. Try to make her feel secure, and then she should open up to you.

Answer 5

"Protect Your Children" ...
public service announcements recieved the Gold Award for its overall excellence, at the World Media Festival in Hamburg, Germany. Another , entitled "Teach Your Children", received the Silver Award ...
http://www.jw-media.org/region/global/english/releases/educational/030514.htm

Protect Your Children!
- Your Child Is in Danger!
- How Can We Protect Our Children?
- Prevention in the Home
- Common Misconceptions
> If Your Child Is Abused
http://watchtower.org/library/g/1993/10/8a/article_01.htm

Child Molesting---You Can Protect Your Child
- The First Line of Defense
- Talk to Your Child About the Danger
- Follow Their Instincts
- How Can We Tell Them?
- The "What if ... ?" Game
- Give Them the Words
- Alert But Balanced
http://watchtower.org/library/g/1985/1/22/article_01.htm

The Problems of Children ... :
- An Ongoing Search for Solutions
- Children Deserve to be Wanted and Loved
- The Solution at Last!
- Help for Young People
- The UN Declaration of the Rights of the Child
http://www.watchtower.org/library/g/2000/12/8/article_01.htm

Single-Parent Families CAN Succeed :
- Single Parent Families are on the rise
- Single Parents have Multiple Challenges
- A Lone Parent, but Not Alone
http://www.watchtower.org/library/g/2002/10/8/article_01.htm

After reading the above series of articles, you may wish to share some --or parts of some-- of them with your daughter, to help her understand the situation you are talking about. The articles are SO FULL of great suggestions! I really can't think of Anything to add!

(NOTE : These URLs will likely be modified soon, at which time each title can be entered in the Advanced Search engine at : http://watchtower.org/search/search_e.htm , which will give you links with the new URLs.)

Answer 6

You need to go back to the counselor and ask them for assistance in the correct ways of handling this. You as the mother will being sending out signals and your daughter will react to them. She could close up more for fear of saying something that will upset you. The counselor could do it with you or send you to somebody. This is important so a third person can keep controll and all is said which needs to be said and keeps you from going crazy. And also it is better to have a third person (a professional) with you, as later no one can say you put her up to it.
If your relationship is a deep one you could make an appointment with the counselor and a day before have the talk. Whichever way you will need professional help in this, you and your daughter.

I send you possitive thoughts and prayers.

Answer 7

This is exaclty what happened to two small girls I know. Their dad was abusing them sexually, physically and mentally and had full custody of them except every other weekend. I guess it's backwards, in a way.

Their mom made the guess after her two daughters cried when going home.

You need to ask her why she doesn't want to go, and if she says that it's just boring come out and ask her if her father has ever done anything to her.

It'll be hard, but you need to stop this right now.

Answer 8

Wow this must be so scary for both of you. Your a calm person b/c if i were you i would be in jail right now for doing something to my husband, but that's not the right way. You really need to talk to her as soon as possible your her mother that's your job even if it's not her daddy, you did what a great mother would do and that's making sure your baby girl is OK. I wish you could updated the outcome of this but nevertheless good luck!

Answer 9

straight out. Ask her why she wants to be on her own. Why the grades have dropped. Tell her she can tell you anything and you will always love her. Don't ask are you being molested though as that is putting words into her mouth. Talk to a councillor who can sit down with both of you to get to the bottom of this

Answer 10

to be honest with you, i have been molested and i wish more than anything that my mom would have asked me what was wrong with me. my grades were dropping and i never wanted to go to school. i almost had to repeat my 8th grade year of middle school. it was just so hard for me to cope with, i mean being molested is one of the hardest things to deal with, besides getting raped. i am still having so much trouble getting over it and happened over 4 years ago this month. i lost most of my childhood because of it and when i told someone what happened i found out that it happened to alot of girls and women. you really need to talk to her, its urgent that you do. you do not want to hear about it happening more than once like it did to me and thousands of other girls. it is horrible. trust me and i'm sure there are tons of other girls who know exactly what i am talking about. so i am soo sorry if it did happen to her just please talk to her and make sure everything is okay and find out if it really did.


p.s.

it was THE HARDEST thing in the world to tell my other i had been molested. and i was 12 when it happened. i am 16 now and i still cry and have nightmares about it.