Can you forgive someone completely?

Question

the short version is _ i have been with my bf for three years now< we live together and the relationship is ok.
he was eighteen when i met him and was always going out with his mates & never inviting me. he just used to ring me upafterwards to go pick him up! and like an idiot i did>
basically he used me and i put up with it< because i just wanted him so much>
i only receently found out what id already suspected for ages>>that he used to get off with other girls when he went out and even rang me up for a lift afterwards> he was such an arsehole<
he has grown up now< hes twentyone and like a different person and says he wishes he could change the past and all that ****>
the thing is< i dont think i can ever get over it all< i dont want us to split up i cant imagine being without him< but i have these thoughts basically every single day of my life> why did i put up with being treated like that from a kid who just wanted what ever he could get? he is five years younger than me>

thanks everyone jst wanted to add he doesnt really go "out" anymore only every few months and not without checking with me> he has changed believe it or not and i know he doesnt and wouldnt do it now< its just how do i get over it< he says he loves me< wants kids marriage etc and he was the one first said that not me im not to bothered about getting married but he is< sometimes though i just look at him and think " you ******* ****" lol> i want to get over it but its something that happened two and a half years ago and its still in my head every day>
thanks for all the advice ppl x

Answer 1

I think you're so upset now because you still don't completely trust him.

He apologizes now and you say he's like a totally different person, but do you believe it? I don't think you believe it's true. People can get over many things (cheating, lying, etc), but you clearly have to have a long talk with him, let him know exactly how you feel and decide how to handle it together. If he genuinely has changed and wants to be with you then he will do everything he can to help you get over this. I am not surprised that you're upset... I would be too.

Also keep in mind at 21 he is still very young... you are a lot older and typically girls are the ones who want commitment in their 20s rather than guys, so just be careful. You two need to communicate better or your relationship will be dunzo for sure. Good luck

Answer 2

The better question is "can you forget?". The answer is no.
The person you need to forgive is yourself. Yes, you were used, played and taken advantage of. He talks about changing the past - not gonna happen. The hurt is there.

This relationship is out of balance and needs to be re-negotiated.
The operative word here is Commitment, as in a fully functional marriage, especially the part about "forsaking all others".
After living with the guy you can't be without for three years and him dating other women while using you, how's it working for you? You are gaga over him and he takes advantage of that; are you still surprised?

This 21 year-old STILL does not understand what marriage, responsibility and commitment are about. All he can say is that he wishes you had not found out about the other women. I seriously question whether he has truly "grown up now" and is "like a different person".

You need to be able to write down what you want YOUR future (without regard to him being in the picture) to be. You need to be able to explain it to him so that he understands. If he's on board with that, then he gives you an engagement ring and you guys get married in 12 months. If that's not his bag, then you move out and move on. You are experiencing the consequences of prior choices. It's time for you to stop allowing the treatment that you have received from him in the past. Now. And you are not his mommy.

Answer 3

From reading some of these answers, there are a lot of hurting women out there. But I already knew that.
You must forgive him. You will be forgiven like you forgave. Although that does not mean you must continue in that relationship. On the contrary... what obligation does he have to you? You're just convenient until someone else comes along. If you intend to pursue him, move out (or make him move). Why should he continue to enjoy your convenience without any obligation to you? The ring changes things. (And an engagement period of 12 to 18 months)

Answer 4

Well, We all play the fool sometime, That is love. THe great thing is that you know you were a fool. He says he has changed and you should give him the benefit of the doubt. If you really want to be with him give him another chance just tell him how you feel and what you expect from the relationship and then ask him if he still wants to try again.

Good luck, dont be so hard on yourself

Answer 5

honey....don't waste your time on time wasters...he's got off with other girls behind your back in the past, and take it from me, he will or has done it again, even tho he says he hasn't, he just hasn't been caught yet....3 years is not that long hun, he still has alot of growing up to do.,....have some fun for a change instead of sitting there worrying about what he's up to, is he thinking about you when he's hitting on other girls?...i think not...wake up hun....life's too short...you are still young too....live a little....and stop worrying about him, if you have no kids together then it's a good time to drop this guy and get some time out with your mates...have some fun....he will carry on doing all this stuff while you allow it....show him that your no push over...

Answer 6

You'll probably never get over it. I would leave him. It's not fair to you that he treated you that way. He knows that he can get away with such behavior. What's to keep him from doing it in the future? He knows you'll take him back. What's worse is that he could do it again when you get married. How could you live with that? Just end it before it's too late. Good luck!

Answer 7

dolll, guys and even girls dont change. i would not forgive b/c that is wrong. my ex g/f cheated on me ALL the time, and it took lots of tears and hanging out with others to finally get over it all. some people use people and that is life. i wish you could see that there will be someone out there for you, all you have to do is put on the shoes and start looking. guys want a helluva woman, and i wish i could have met you....we probably would have been married by now with the amount of give we have given our mates. :)
good luck

Answer 8

You are growing into a mature woman and finally realized
that you don't want to be USED. He MAY have grown up
enough to understand that a man in love doesn't treat his
woman like dirt.
If you are presently living together, it would be hard financially
for you both to separate for awhile. If it was me, I would never
base my future on any man that treated my love like garbage.
Try separating and see if he will stick by you or find another
flame.

Answer 9

u know i think its only normal in the age of 18 . he shouldnt get attached and u , as u r 5 years older and in this age its a big gap , u should have known . u cant really blame him for it . its up to u if u want to make a fresh start with him now

all the best

Answer 10

Well, I would say that yes, you can completely forgive someone. The problem that you are having, is that no matter what, you just can't seem to FORGET what he did. If he is truly sorry as you say, you have to give him a chance to prove it. If you keep holding on to this, it could end up ruining your relationship. What you have to do now, is ask yourself what is more important...you holding on to this forever, or having him in your life?