I am in year long relationship that, besisdes our sexual desires, is pretty compatible. My boyfriend has made it clear that if our relationship is going to work, he needs to be able to have threesomes with me and another girl. Simply stated, I'm not interested and scared. I worry that he will fall in love with the other girl, that I will feel inadequate as a lover, about the dangers of STDs, and that this will turn into a compulsive behavior that I won't be able to handle or slippery slope into other activities. I worry if I just tell him that it is unacceptable that he will do it behind my back. He has asked me to at least try it once before I give up. I really don't want to leave him, but I fear this is a breaking point. He tells me that I'm being closed minded. It's too akward to talk to my girlfriends about. I just want another opinion or to know if someone else has been in this position.
2006-12-29 14:21:04 · 21 answers · asked by antelope 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
I think your concerns are founded. I wouldn't bring another person sexually into an established relationship. This is not being close-minded, it's called being smart. There is a risk he could fall in love with the other person. If he really loved and respected you he wouldn't try to pressure you into this. If he wants to sleep with other people then screw him. You don't deserve that crap.
2006-12-29 14:44:18 · answer #1 · answered by DawnDavenport 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If he has put such "requirements" on your relationship than he is being coercive and manipulative. Right now it's a threesome. What's the next thing he is going to "guilt" you into? It's not the threesome, it's a control issue.
There is nothing wrong with threesomes when done for the right reasons and with the right people. If all people involved are secure in their relationship and don't have any jealousy issues, than it can be a great alternative lifestyle that contrary to popular belief, is not a "slippery slope into other activities." Well, at least for those that have their head screwed-on straight.
But in his case the quest for a threesome is simply selfish. Which is the wrong reason. How would he feel if the threesome was a MFM rather than a FMF? Would he still want it? If he wouldn't than your enjoyment of the experience is not his concern, simply his.
Swinging (and a threesome is technically swinging) is the great equalizer in relationships. One person can not be in control. The relationship has to be completely 50/50. So if he wants a FMF he better be happy to grant you a MFM. If he's not, than he's not mature enough to open your relationship up like this in the first place. And if he says "yes" to it, get it first so he can't back-out after he gets what he wants. ;-)
But if you don't want to, than don't. There can be no conditions on love. If there is, it isn't true love, it is selfish love. The love of oneself more than your partner. None of this "Baby, I love you but..." or "I'd love you more if..."
He's being controlling, manipulative, and coercive. Which, in the long run will be the demise of your relationship anyway. Someday you'll get tired of being guilted into everything he wants. If he is really serious about you than he should be able to say a threesome isn't that important. Or, he should move-on and find someone who shares the same fantasies.
2006-12-30 05:11:57 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow... this makes you uncomfortable. And a bit awkward. This is one of those "fantasies" that is best left a fantasy. If you don't want to do it... DONT. If this is a man who insists despite knowing that it makes you feel weird... then he doesn't respect you... and that is a whole other issue. Tell him that this is a NON-issue... and that it IS going to be a breaking point if he keeps insisting on doing something that makes you feel inadequate, belilttled, scared, or weirded out... whether or not it is a three-some or some other "desire" of his. Ask him how he would feel if you INSISTED that you have a threesome with another guy.... how awkward would that make HIM feel?? Maybe then he could relate... he will tell you "its not the same thing..." But it doesn't have to be... it is the "feelings" that it brings up that matter in this situation. And he is asking you to do something that doesn't feel "right" to you. Do not let him bully you into doing something you do not want to do.... what else will he set as an "ultimatum" after this one is met?? Relationships aren't based on ultimatums... they are based on trust and respect. It sounds like he is incapable of either.
2006-12-29 14:28:04 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm a guy and I say dump him-ultimatums are not a form of love especially if he trying to force you into something you don't want. Think about how crappy you'd feel if you went through with it-would he care how you felt? He obviously doesn't respect you or the relationship. I'm sure that you can find someone much better to be with. I would never ask a girl that I was in love with to do that or anything else she wasn't comfortable with. If he is into swinging then let him do it with someone else. Fantasy and reality are two different things that he is not making a distinction between it seems.
2006-12-29 14:28:43 · answer #4 · answered by kws504 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Run for the hills! Ask him if the threesome can also be with another guy. If he says no then not only is it a one-sided relationship but he basically wants to have sex with other women and get you to ok it! If you have a shred of self-respect drop this guy ASAP and let him contract all the STDs he wants!
2006-12-29 14:25:46 · answer #5 · answered by John S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh man......he's looking for any "justifiable" reason to go out and sleep with other women. Please don't do this or it never will stop. I agree 100% with you. I was in this same situation and it's only now that I look back and think why would I even CONSIDER such a thing? Praise the Lord I didn't go through with it. He's going to go out and find somebody else whether you have threesomes or not, so my advice would be to tell him to get packin'.
2006-12-29 14:26:41 · answer #6 · answered by spelling nazi 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have been in a relationship like the one you stated yours wants, and it was fun and exciting. But NOT something anyone should do unless you are ready and really want to experiment with it. You should not be forced or you will regret it. My relationship was great and I enjoyed all of it, we were just not compatible in other ways (I wanted kids, he did not, we just went different directions), but the swinging never got in the way. But we both knew from the start that we liked that kind of thing. My hubby now does not approve of it, so it has never happened and will never happen. You have to do it because you are comfortable with yourself and with your significant other.
2006-12-29 14:38:33 · answer #7 · answered by Amanda&Chloe 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's a pretty serious issue, and if you feel that strongly about it, and he feels equally strong about "swinging" or threesomes, then I'd say that you probably won't be able to be happy together...especially considering that he has said that the only way for things to work is for you to agree to this.
2006-12-29 14:25:35 · answer #8 · answered by AK 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry but, you can't get too serious with a guy like that. What would your future hold? Either you giving in to something that youre not interested in, or him having affairs. Drop him now. He will eventually get this out of his system and grow up. Hopefully, anyway.
2006-12-29 14:23:56 · answer #9 · answered by Scunnered! 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Leave him. I'm not opposed to 3somes, but ANYone who tries to pressure you into doing something you don't want to do sexually, doesn't have any respect for you. Y'all are not a good match and this WILL cause your relationship to end eventually anyway...might as well get it over now...that way he can find someone who is into what he is, and you can be available to meet someone who is a better match for you.
2006-12-29 14:27:52 · answer #10 · answered by . 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋