I'm loosing it, 11 yr old is driving me crazy his father died and he has been through so much for his age His

Question

dad,my X & I split when I realized he was using drugs & ultimately he went to prison. My son was 1 yr when this happened.I left him & have been with the same man since Ricky was 2 & in the same home, stable & good life.Throughout my sons life his dad was in & out of prison, in & out of his life. We found out he was dying of HepC just 2 years before he died. His father tried to spend every last minute w/ him and I think spoiling him. He died 2 years ago when my son was 9. He has been going to counciling for over 4 years now (not helping). He is almost never happy, he acts angry, he's rude, he's unappreciative, he throws things, cusses me out, doesn't do well in school (his IQ is 138). He has called the police on me when I have spanked him-police said if I touch him I go to jaiI! Stopped spanking/alternate dicipline.Have 6 kids, he's the only 1 that acts this way. At times he'll be Mr.Perfect & loving-but he's mostly mean & unhappy-I am so lost and frustrated! Heartbroken too.Help?

Thank you all for your answers!
He has had 3 councilors so far. I think I have tried to over compensate for his loss. Military school is first and foremost on my mind many a days! but then I think that's like giving up on my son.
I have tried, explaining till I am blue in the face, he actually hums and plugs his ears!!! Completely out of control, It just keeps escalating!

Oh, yes, also, he is not bu-polar, add, adhd or anything like that either!
I can only describe him as literally a "Spolied Brat". It's awful!

I love his little friends and they are understanding and tolerant when he acts up or is rude to them.
The school insist on him continuing counseling, that is a condition that he gets to stay in school, he's been trouble in the past at school, so far this year there has not been any issues with school. My SO thinks his councilor is a quack and a half. The best councilor he has had was just a temporary. He was finding "pieces of the pie" and trying to find the underlying cause of this, whereas his current one just looks at his behavioral progression???? If that makes sense.

Wow, great advise. I swore I would never get personal onhere and I did! I think the willfullness answer is pretty right on the mark.

Answer 1

Wow, this is really a tough situation! You've tried all the stuff that should have worked - counseling and discipline.

I could be way off base here, but this is something to think about: maybe counseling has not helped because this is not a matter of emotional trauma - it is a matter of the will. He wants to act a certain way and is doing so because he has been through so much trauma and it is sort of overlooked. I don't mean overlooked like no one does anything about it; I mean, like a lil kid who tantrums when they are tired - you don't excuse it exactly but neither do you come down as hard as you ordinarily would because you feel like the tot has a 'good reason' for acting that way. Maybe [and I am only saying 'maybe'] you need to be tough on him. Make sure you are spending time with him and uplifting him so that you have a good relationship, but also do not let him get by with this behavior EVER. He is at an age where you will PROBABLY have to contract to get good behavior. For instance, be very specific in what is expected, and in what privileges he can earn by acting in this way. If you don't get a handle on this, in another year he is going to be WAY out of control.

Kids are very resilient, and I know he's had it tough, and his history could occasionally bother him, but after the time lapse since his father's death plus the counseling, if he is 'mostly mean and unhappy,' I am just thinking it is not as directly related to his past problems as it is to deliberate behavior.

Maybe I am way off and if so I am sorry! I hope I haven't said anything offensive - if so I haven't meant to. I really do hope your situation gets better and that someone can offer you some insight.

Answer 2

Perhaps a different counselor needs to be looked at, and one that encourages time with both you and your son present, and time with each of you alone. Sometimes it is the style of counseling that needs some changes. Also, his friends, if they have similar behavior, or encourage it, it will worsen. Also, I know that many parents do not like it, but medication may be in order. I would get him in with a psychiatrist, and ask for a counselor that specializes in children with rage manaagement and other behavioral problems. That way you can have a the treatment from both medical and psychological aspects. At 11 they are getting to the point of having the hormones run rampant in their body as well. I have tried positive reinforcment with very small prizes, (i.e. going to the convienence store for a drink) to larger ones. I sent a sheet to school each week that the teacher had to sign. Each daily signature was worth something, and if there was a whole week with signature, something a little bigger. This continued for a month of signatures, etc. It seems to work, school behavior improved. Also, at this age, he should be understanding the whole action/consequence thing. It needs to be reinforced to him that HIS actions have consequences, and it is up to him whether they are good or bad. Spanking at this age generally is ineffective, they either retaliate by calling 911, as yours did, or begin to hit others, younger siblings, schoolkids, etc.

I hope some of this helps. I can understand your frustration, and feelings of helplessness. I do believe that counseling can help, but sometimes we are using the wrong counselor, or the wrong methods. Good luck.

Answer 3

ok i became ideal the place you're. My daughter went so a tactics as to sleep in college and that i desperate to homestead college her and no daddy lady offspring time. i comprehend that isn't be an selection right here. yet homestead college basically helped for 4 years then she began to make certain her dad lower back and ideal lower back in my face. Now she is 17 and pregnant. She did have a job. She is 3 try removed from graduating homestead college yet has been for the final 6 months. i'm an exceedingly dedicated mom and characteristic tried each and every thing together with her. Councilors, places, church, and so on. not something has looked as though it may artwork long term. a minimum of I had some sturdy years. each and every toddler is different. yet maximum young little ones won't open as much as a stranger. and he or she has continuously needed issues her own way. She is very lazy and did get into drugs as quickly as. So i will't say that my worldwide is suited. it somewhat is annoying to enhance little ones and that i do think of the fathers have a huge result on preteens and youthful youth. via all potential seek for suggestion from with him for some help in this. Little ladies recognize and love their daddy's. I desire you the final of luck in this worldwide from one mom to a different. i actually desire i'd desire to have been a larger help.

Answer 4

Some children cope with lifes truma's better than others. They are all different. For a lot of boys loosing their father seems to really affect them. My son's father is not in his life and it seems to really affect him. His behaviour can be a problem at times. I think finding the right counsellor would help, someone that your son can connect with. If he doesn't form a relationship with the counsellor it won't help. If you can keep changing until you find the right one. Although if the school is organising the counselling you probably don't have much choice. Do a search on reality therapy and narrative therapy on the net, you might find them helpful. What ever you do don't see a psyciatrist and get medication, all that will do is turn him into a zombie and ruin his life.

Answer 5

I am sorry to hear that you are going thru this.
Maybe you could switch counselors.
It is hard for anyone to deal with losing someone that they love, I cant imagine that when I was eight or nine.
Either way, he cant bully you.
Contact social services in your area.
In kentucky they have an office where you can file a status offense charge on your child and the social worker will schedule a hearing.
Turn him over to the state for a few months and let him see how fun acting out really is.
YOu owe it to your other kids to let him know that you wont tollerate his acting up no matter what the reason is

Answer 6

It is hard to say.. and not that I am a big believer in meds.. but have you had him to the dr... to see maybe if he is depressed? Have you had time to sit down with him.. just you and him... spend time with him and talk.. listen to what he has to say? ( I know it would be hard with 6 kids) Try giving him a journal, to write it.... his feeling thoughts.. drawing.... if the counciling... and it isn't working.. maybe it is the persone doing it... ask for a referal from the school or dr for another. Ask the school if there is any programs that he might help him. Do you have a big brothers in your area.. were they hook up older boys or men with boys and do things with them??? What type of kids does he hang around with at school, that might give you an idea why he is doing what he is doing. MAybe he needs a mentor.. someone that he can look up to and focus on... ask him what he wants to do when he grows up... if is is something like a police officer or fireman... ask the local department if you could possibly bring him by for a tour or to talk to someone about the field.. get his intrest geared in another direction.... focus of praise.. and hugs...
hang in there.. take care.. hope it all works out for you.

Answer 7

I understand that your son has gone through a lot but dont let him get away with things just because of that. He cant go through life being mean and misbehaving because hes had 2 deal with loss especially if he has an iQ of 138 and knows better.
If hes not had any progress with his counselor than talk to him about what has happened. If he doesnt open up to you then find someone that he looks upto and respects talk to him.

Answer 8

i'm sorry you are going through this, just know your not alone. there are alot of parents dealing with these kinds of situations, so there are ways to deal with them. try going online and looking up places like the boys and girls club, they have really good programs for kids to get involved in and to help with self esteem issues. contact social services and have them get you in touch with outreach programs that will not only help your son but you as well. tell them the situation and ask them if they can give you some phone numbers for these places. they can tell you who to call, and they have people who support the parents as well. your son needs some guidence right now from someone other than your husband or yourself, so there are people who will help you. also you can talk to the couselor at his school and ask about people they can get you touch with who can help. there is the big brother program too that you might want to consider, maybe hes looking for a role model and just doesn't want anyone to know it. GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!

Answer 9

Have you tried taking him to his doctor and asking the doctor what to do? Or look on-line for web sites with parenting advice. I know this sounds bad but when my husband was about 10 and acted that way his mom took him to visit a juvenille hall and used it as an example and said, "straighten up or i will send you here." Or look into boys town, they take kids that have problems behaving. I now what your going through, my 6 yr old is destructive and sometimes scares me. Good Luck.

Answer 10

well a death of a loved one is a hard thing to deal with at that age but I think he is taking it way too far if counseling isn't helping try changing counselors sounds like you've tried everything there is to try. Try taking one day a week ( I know hard with 6) and spend it just with him maybe he just wants attention. Hope this helps good luck