How do you handle a mother-in-law who says whatever she thinks?

Question

My in-laws raised three boys all of whom are married. I am married to son #2. All three of us girls are good, moral, intellligent females who love our husbands, who are equally great guys. But our mother-in-law is another story...she just spends her opinion and says whatever she thinks, and can be tacky about it ... advice? (and be kind, we do love her!)

Answer 1

She is your husband's mother so you just have to deal with her. She is not going to change so when says something that's opinionated and tacky just smile and say, "That's nice" and then change the subject. Repeat as necessary.

Answer 2

Have you heard of tough love? You acknowledge that you love her, so perhaps it really is just a matter of offering her a taste of what she has been dishing out.

You could tell her that some things are better left unsaid. Though she's likely to give you an earful at this, at least you will have taken the first step - nicely.

Afterward... well, there is a product out now that has taken on the commercial theme of just what you are facing here. I don't remember the product, but the television commercial has what appears to be a mother in law in a double size bathroom (2 sinks) with the woman who is presumably the owner of the house (she and her husband). They are both apparently applying make-up. The mother in law figure says something like, "You know, you don't use enough bleach to take care of the mold in here." The woman stops, looks into the mirror at her mother in law for just a moment and says something like, "Is it enough to make you forget our address?" Then promptly follows it up with, "Would you pass the tissue, please?"

It's mean, that's true, but it is exactly what the woman just did - spoke her mind without thinking of the consequences. "Everybody Loves Raymond" has a mother in law on that show who does the very same thing. The other people on the show, however, don't seem to have found a way to deal with her yet, either. :-)

Answer 3

My mother in law is a little like that. I love her very much, please don't get me wrong. She is a wonderful woman and I have learned many things from her. However, I learned very early to let things just roll off my back. It's not worth causing problems between you and your mil by trying to confront her about things. When we had our first child, I used Vaseline because that's how my mother did it when she helped me out. My mil came over one day and told my husband to get the diaper changing stuff so she could change the baby's diaper. She made some kind of comment about the Vaseline and why was I using that instead of A&D (her treatment of choice). I sorda giggled to myself and made a mental note to always have the A&D handy when she was coming by, but I continued to use the Vaseline on a daily basis.

Answer 4

ARGH! I have the same problem- but my mother in law is from Hong Kong and this her little golden boy can do no wrong. There's really no way to tame the out-spokeness... I believe mother in laws feel they've known their sons longer and no best. Maybe just be up front and tell her it hurts your feelings when she says this and that. Or call her out and point blank say- why are you saying that? When they have to actually have to give an explanation of their tackiness, they're not as quick to do it. GOOD LUCK SISTER!!

Answer 5

Well whats wrong with tit for tat? This women has been around the block and others (who are not daughters in laws) pull no punches. I imagine she respects this, even she seems a little put off at first, so find your spine and start treating her woman to woman and speak your mind right back to her. You don't have to be rude, just make sure she understands how you feel.

Answer 6

My mother-in-law is one of those. She is a gossip, a murmurer, and a chronic excuse queen for all her flaws. She is like one of those people from the South who can insult anyone as long as she says "bless your heart" after it; as if that's supposed to make it alright.
All you can do is become more acquainted with her more and perhaps ignore much of her faultiness. Her "being-rough-around-the-edges" condition has no true remedy aside from her own recognition of it or a critique from one of her peers. Her kids could say something--your husband for example. If he speaks up in a lovingly and understanding manner, I am sure that she will listen.
Good luck,
Mr. M on "mother-in-law."

Answer 7

I have the same problem with my sister in law, I just laugh when she says or asks anything inappropriate and look the other way, maybe even walk away from her or just change the subject abruptly. Since you love her this will be easier than choking her.

Answer 8

Just listen, say thanks, I will take that into consideration and do whatever you feel like doing. You can't change her, you don't want to rock the boat, she is free to express her opinion, and you are free to ignore it. And who knows? Maybe occasionally she will give a good piece of advice.

Answer 9

You bite your tongue (alot). I have a similar situation with my MIL. I'm married to her "baby" son. However, when she says something to put someone down (intentional or not), that's the time to speak up. If you feel you can't get through to her, have your husband talk with her. I've found that my MIL listens to my hubby more so than she does me. I wish you luck! :)

Answer 10

Learn to accept that it's her nature.
I work with a lady who speaks her mind, whether or not it hurts the person whom she's speaking to/of. We just learned to adjust to how she is, and we let her know when she needs to give it a rest.