Agree or disagree and could you give me some good advice?

Question

A friend of mine is a father of a 17 year old daughter and although he has been present in her life he has never had a relationship with her mother. In the early days he found it hard as his daughters mother would make things difficult. His daughter will now only phone him if she needs money. But he refuses to give her any until he gets some positive responses from her, she didn't phone him on his birthday but only a week later when she wanted some money she phoned him to say happy belated birthday. He beleives that she see's him as an ATM machine, now she is 17, she is old enough to to build the relationship without interference from her mother.
What concerns me is that she phoned him up the a few days ago to ask for money for food. He refused and said he will feed her but will not give her money to buy food herself. He beleives that his daughter despite what he gives her will either love him or despise him, so in conclusion he chooses not to give her anything. needs advice

Answer 1

First, I think your friend really needs to communicate how he's feeling with his daughter...does she clearly understand that his saying no to requests for money are to help her grow into adulthood and not a reflection of any lack of relationship thus far?

I agree with his choice, as long as he is clear and consistent with her, she may be taking him for granted and seeing how far she can push him now that it's easier to be a part of eachother's lives...

communication, consistency plus plenty of patience, and of course the ever-underlying message that he loves her and wants a healthy relationship is eventually going to get through to her

Answer 2

I think the dad should try to set up some days to where him and his daughter and can spend sometime together. Like maybe going out to eat. It is his decision whether if he wants to keep giving her money or not. If he really does feel that all she wants is money then so be it. But it depends, because what effort is he putting towards trying to spend some type of time with the daughter. I'm not blaming neither one, but it is his job as the parent to try to initiate the 1st step, or contact with the daughter. Now if she denies him then he can go from there.

Answer 3

Finally. He's getting a backbone. I have a brother that does the same thing to my father. My brother has twins, my father's first grandkids and dad would do anything for him. However, my brother did not grow up in the same house as me and my dad and uses my dad only when he needs money. I get so frustrated because he knows how much my dad loves him. My brother was much better off growing up with his mother, I lived with my dad and he married a very controlling, abusive, mean woman that I call my stepmother. They have been together now for 25 years and she nags him about falling for my brother's antics. My brother will go months even years without calling my dad then up and call when he needs money. Tell you friend to stick to his guns. She is either gonna have to grow up and start respecting her father and treating him like a human being or find someone else to finance her troubles. More power to him.

Answer 4

Wow sounds like a difficult situation...just hang in there! At 17 years old all that runs through your head is money, having the best everything....
My brother does the same with my dad and he lives with him, so I am sure it's just a 17 year old thing....ignore the parent but take the money!
If his daughter really wants him around she will come around, it takes time and maturity, she is getting to that 18 and over stage that is usually when we tend to come around...at least I did with my father....

Answer 5

ok.......let's say that that man is your friend........not you.
1st.......he has to ask her to meet him bcoz he want to talk with her
2nd...he hasnt to give her money bcoz she'll use to that, and be sure that your friend never will receive love from her, if he only gives her money. he has to talk and tell her that he is her dad, not an ATM machine, but that he loves her, and want to be more time with her. He can also, ask her to spend some week ends at his house. She can take some decisions now that is 17, and her mom cant forbide her to know better her dad. He has to recover the lost time and try to gain her love back.
But he has to be sure about one thing..........love cant be bought........love has to be gained.
Anyways....he is making ok not giving her money now, she has to understand that relationship dad - daughter is not a street only one way.Both will have to put something from their own.

Good luck

Answer 6

A 17 year old is a super-selfish creature. Whether she loves her Dad or not her world revolves around herself right now and will for awhile. He sounds like my ex. My daughter would ask him for things and he'd refuse. She said he made her feel bad whenever she needed anything from him and made her pay him back by putting up with him talking smack about me, and his family, on and on...Now that she is older (20), he is begging for her attention and she ignores him. If your man is trying to get his daughter to "pay" for him doing things for her, it will very likely blow up in his face!

Answer 7

She's being a typical teenager. I've yet to meet any that doesn't think at some time or another that their parents are ATM machines.

Answer 8

NEVER LET YOU CHILD GO HUNGRY. WE ALL FEEL USED SOMETIMES BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE DAUGHTER WAS CONFUSED AND AFFECTED BY THE ATTITUDE AND DISPOSITION OF HER MOTHERS WAYS
TRY TO BE UNDERSTANDING AND SUPPORTIVE OF YOUR DAUGHTER YOU MAY NOT UNDERSTAND ALL THE TIME BUT BELIEVE YOU ME IT WILL ALL WORK OUT FOR THE BEST BECAUSE SHE IS HIS DAUGHER

Answer 9

it sounds like she is using him for money so what your friend is doing is the right thing by, buying her food instead of giving her the money.

Answer 10

He needs to help her because he brought her in the world and she diserves some help because that is hard age for some people.